Rae of Sunshine

Autumn Update

2011-09-29T09:47:00.003-05:00

I am not sure how long it has been since I last posted life updates. Carrera had her 5th birthday in August, and Colton and Calvin had their 9th birthday in early September. School started for the kids at the beginning of September. Carrera started Kindergarten. It has been really hard for her to adjust, but she is slowly becoming more used to being away from home and mama.

I took a second job on the weekends that my kids are with their dad. I also extended my daycare hours and days. Basically I am working seven days a week. Part of me wonders how long I will be able to maintain the busy-ness. But I also like the financial security that it offers, and I am happier when I know that I can financially hold my own.

I am dating an amazing guy, David. He is a refreshing change from any relationship I have experienced. He is real and easy to be with. There is no drama, and I am so comfortable just "being" with him. I have high hopes, but am enjoying the cautious slow love. Tonight my parents get to meet him.

I love just "being." My water heater broke, I had to rip out some flooring that was damaged from the water, my house is not as organized as I would like. I have been trying to figure out how I will ever be able to finish my degree..., but really, in the moment, all is well. I am alive and happy.

Journeying Forward

2011-08-22T10:22:00.003-05:00

It has been a month since I've written anything to post on here. Life happens. I haven't had any revelations or inspiration. Life has been kinda like the pounding of a runner's feet on pavement, one foot in front of the other, just moving. Not even necessarily straining for anything.

I don't like calling myself a single mother. When I think "single mom" I don't think "divorced chick" with her kids half time. I am, I guess, half-time single and half-time mother. Although, I am fully single and always a mother.

Life has its challenges right now. The kids are all three going through hard phases. I think it is because they are dealing with Shane and I living in separate homes. The excitement has worn off and life is different for them this year. School is starting school and Carrera will be in kindergarten. I think she is excited, but that entails another change for her. Lots of changes for them.

Shane asked me yesterday if I am happy. I have to say, that despite the challenges I am facing, I am sincerely happy. I have all that I need, my three kids and health. I refuse to let life steel my joy.

Sharings.

2011-07-18T18:15:00.003-05:00

Love. Sharings. I may have written this before.
The kind of love I want is hundreds of thousands of sharings. I want to be with someone who will share with me and care enough to hear what I share with them the hundreds of thousands of sharings that come with a life.
That is my requirement. I like outgoing men. I like shy men. I like cute, sexy men. I like plain men. I just want someone who can do this one skill: listen AND share, give AND take.

Wednesday Night.

2011-06-29T22:24:00.003-05:00

I really wanted to go sing karaoke tonight. I mean REALLY wanted to. I find myself at home, singing to Pandora. And it doesn't quite hit the spot, but I do love the freedom that I have in my empty house. Just me and my demons... and Millie, the cocker spaniel... who is losing her hearing.

I want love. I am singing Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You." I know that Hollywood love isn't real. I have felt sparks from a kiss, but it wasn't from someone that is a good fit for me.

Now its Sugarland "Sex on Fire (Live)." Music stirs everything in me. Music, people, realness.

I went to a church get-together tonight and met some good people. Some I didn't connect with, although I was friendly. Others I connected with well. It felt exhilarating to be with people. I LOVE people. That is my passion. Connection! Connecting with every human that I encounter on my journey on this Earth.

I can't wait until my home is really an open door where people feel they can come in and grab food out of the fridge, and dirty a glass for water. I want to fill my house with people coming and going and communing with one another. I crave it. I crave music and people.

This aloneness... I can appreciate it. I really can. But not forever. Love is more than just an exclusive one person thing. It is community.

Journey "Don't Stop Believin'"...music is love. At the end of the day I have such a hard time turning it off to sleep.

Darius Rucker "Come Back Song"...uh! I LLLLUUUUUVVVV his voice! Its yummy.

I don't need romance. I need music. And community. Now... I'm off to dance. Goodnight Wednesday...

Present.

2011-06-29T09:37:00.003-05:00

I wonder often if other people like their lives, their jobs, their kids, their homes. I love my life, my job, my kids and my home. I love my family, my friends, my church, my lifestyle, my patio table that I am sitting at, the two year old asleep on my lap, the sound of all the kids playing, the shade from the umbrella, the breeze, my mug of coffee.
Present moment. I love living in this moment, unattached to future, setting free the past. I choose to not let the past keep me tied up. I choose to let the future be elusive in my mind. ...ok, that part is harder. Honestly, it is hard to be unattached to future. It is hard to say to myself that I can BE HERE NOW, and not think too much about what I will be doing a year or two from now. But I really can't know where I will be a year or two from now. What a great time in life to learn about being present in the moment. This is all I am certain of, all I have is NOW.

Divorce Life.

2011-06-28T10:16:00.003-05:00

I have found it to be crazy how many people I am meeting that have gone through a divorce or who are currently going through a divorce. It is also quite shocking to me how freely people are dishing out advise. Many people think that I am not coping because I am not grieving. People expect me to be unstable and emotional. I may be a little unstable and once in awhile I am emotional, but not because of the divorce per se.
One piece of advise was to "use your library card" and get some books on divorce. I took it to heart and checked out ten books. Three on helping kids and seven on coping. After skimming some of them, I realised most of it did not apply to me right now. I already am doing all the things that they suggest. I am building new friendships. I made some changes in my life and home that are healthy. I have already forgiven Shane, and I am working hard at creating a great co-parenting relationship with him and his girlfriend. I am not dating, and I am not sure when I will want to or be ready to.
I am reading When the Vow Breaks: a survival and recovery guide for Christians facing divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Some of it I have to skim because it doesn't apply to where I am at. BUT the author writes about how in divorce there is the initiator and the non-initiator unless it is mutual. Well, I have always claimed that my divorce was mutual. We had talked about it many times over the months before the decision and on January 11th we decided together that divorce was the best choice considering what we had been learning in counseling and what changes or compromises each of us were and were not willing to make. After this decision I began to work on figuring out the legalities of an uncontested divorce. A few days after the decision, Shane decided he DIDN'T want the divorce. So, from that point on, I became the initiator and he became the non-initiator. It was easy to identify the stages of grief he went through. It was painful to watch and at some points I had to be strong for him. I am glad that his family gathered around and supported him throughout the process. Me, on the other hand, I haven't had that experience as dramatically. I have felt lonely, and I have felt desperate for stability at a few points, but not the actual grieving stages. Leading to my point, Warren writes in his book that the initiator often goes through the grieving stages BEFORE seeking the divorce, while the non-initiator goes through the process later. A light went on in my head. I spent months before the decision to divorce crying, denying that this was really happening to my marriage, angry at Shane for putting me through this shit, feeling guilty that I brought it on myself and wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband love me, trying to compromise myself to be what he said he wanted, and finally accepting that Shane wasn't going to choose me.
So, I am going to quit trying to force grief, and I am moving on to better things. I have a future. Even if some days I can't see which way that future is. Today I am working on living in the present.

I have more to share. If feels good to write. I hope to start writing more again and sharing the crazy life experiences I have been having.

New beginning (a.k.a. Life 2.0)

2011-06-11T13:05:00.006-05:00

So many people have told me in the last five months that divorce is hard, that I need to grieve and cry, that healing takes time. I really thought they all just didn't get it. My marriage SUCKED (at least a large chunk of it did-maybe not all of it), and I was happy to be free of the negative and controlling environment. The first few days without him there I felt so free. It was great. Well, I was wrong. My circumstances are not making it easier now that the divorcing part is over. I do miss companionship. I do miss being a wife. It think I really got a lot of my identity from being a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, all I ever wanted to be growing up (besides an artist, teacher, or stripper) was a mother and wife. I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted between six and twelve kids. I wanted to live in the country, stay home, have a garden, be a PTA member and Sunday school teacher. Anyone that knows me now might guffaw at that. The artist and stripper might fit me better. But, no, I don't think so. I love being a mother. I love pouring out myself into making a safe space for not only my kids, but other kids, neighbor kids, friends and their kids and really anyone to come to. I value that. I value having an open and safe space for people to come to and be real.

I have been considering my gifts. I enjoy writing and sometimes I think I may have some talent there. I connect well with just about anyone. People confess things to me that they have never told anyone before. I have a large handful of people that call me their best friend. And two handfuls of friends that would call me one of their closest friends. I do hear all the time that my home is a great safe and comfortable space. So, I would say that creating a home and welcoming environment is my gift. I am very talented at cleaning and organizing. AND I enjoy that. I am GREAT with kids. I can be very consistent and I have a firmness that kids respect and appreciate, yet a softness that makes it easy to climb into my arms and rest. I have never met a kid that doesn't adore me after a few hours. I really hope that all of my daycare kids feel free to come and find rest at my home for years after they leave my care. I am very patient, I rarely over-react, and I love teenagers just about as much as I love preschoolers. I like the learning stages of the 3-5 year old and the emergence of adulthood in the early teen years. I like to be a part of that growth.

So, what does the future hold for me? My intentions are to someday marry again. But right now all I can be is a mother (and that is a wonderful huge responsibility!). I am planning to finish my degree and Masters in Social Work or Marriage & Family Therapy. I would love to work with teens. I recently started going to church again, and I want to get involved and find friends and community to take the place of that missing companionship piece. I will keep doing daycare for as long as it serves my needs. I have no problem doing it for 5-10 more years, but as my kids enter the teen years I am sure I will want to find something else to do. So I hope by that time I will be able to move on to a career with teens and counseling. And if God puts a companion in that mix someday, I will embrace that. If not, I know that I can be satisfied with being a mother and a friend.

As to the grieving. I am. I have been slightly depressed the last week. Screaming out to God. And crying. I have been embracing my emotional side and working through life's disappointments. So, I am welcoming this part of my journey, Life 2.0, yet still letting go of the past.

Partner (List no.2)

2011-06-11T12:58:00.003-05:00

I want a partner that....
- is spiritual.
- can commit.
- communicates well.
- can confront issues.
- is good with money (frugal).
- appreciates me and all the energy and hard work I put into life and relationships.
- smells good (absolute MUST).
- encourages me to use my gifts.
- SEES me and who I am.

Final.

2011-06-03T13:15:00.004-05:00

I woke up thinking, this is going to be an "inside" day, but it turned out pretty nice. I noticed my neighbors' lawn is mowed, so I will have to get mine done tomorrow. And at some point I need someone to show me how to work my weedwacker.

Shane and I signed papers on Wednesday. Within ten days I should get notice that our divorce is official. And I really have nothing more to say about that.

Depths.

2011-05-29T21:32:00.011-05:00

So much on my mind.

I am laying here in an empty house, feeling not so tough. I have worked and worked for this life I have. I have labored to make a home that is safe, full of love, beautiful, put together. And here I am alone. What is a home without family?

There is so much to think about. Am I enough? Can I make it through this? I have only felt weak a handful of times since Shane left. And tonight I feel weak. I do want someone to lean on. I want to feel there is someone I can trust to help me right now. And yet, I want to prove that I was and still am that confident put together woman.

Where do I go when I am weak? I curl up inside and shut the doors. I don't want to do that anymore. Where is there a place I can lose it?

I want to scream at God.

Moving forward.

2011-05-03T07:23:00.012-05:00

Today I am meeting with my therapist... for the last time. We are closing the file.

It seems crazy really. Three years of therapy added up to walking away from my marriage, only to find that all those remaining anxieties and fears and failures and feelings of inadequacy just melted off. I am happy. I feel fulfilled. I feel true to myself. I feel amazing really. Today is the day.

My best friend came over last night after we had coffee at our secret hideout. I laugh. After nine years of being unhappy and unfulfilled, I am learning again to laugh. The universe is filling my life with people that help me laugh. Everywhere I look I see joy. I can appreciate the little things. And I love life.

Three years of therapy, and the answer is to walk away. The answer was to admit failure. Perhaps it takes two to fail in a marriage. But I am becoming okay with the idea that I may have failed. I did my best. I pulled on every resource I could. I read books, talked with friends, met with a therapist weekly. And now, I am letting nine years pass behind me, stepping off the beaten trail, and making a new path.

I am not perfect. I see my flaws. I see challenges as I move forward. I still have work to do. I need to let go of unhealthy expectations of others, life, and most importantly, of myself. I am ready for those new challenges. I am excited for moving forward.

Update.

2011-04-19T09:11:00.003-05:00

Still not divorced... learning to wait.

Unwanted.

2011-04-19T08:50:00.003-05:00

I will be 31 in less than a month, and I realize that I have spent my whole life feeling unwanted. 31 years of feeling unwanted. And I wonder what needs to change. I recently started a relationship with, seriously, one of the most amazing men I have ever met, if not THE most amazing. And almost everyone in my life is ecstatic; happy for me. He is nothing like I have ever experienced in a partner. And I am trying at the same time as embarking on this new experience, to shed as many preconceived notions, or as he and I like to call it, the "carry over," as possible. One major carry over I have is worrying that I am not loved, not appreciated, not seen, and more that all of those, not wanted.

I have learned in my early childhood classes about how the brain develops. The connections that are formed in early childhood and that are used the most become strong, while the rest become weeded off over time. My brain constantly is trying to protect my heart and questions whether I am wanted or valued. Is that connect too ingrained in my head? Will I ever stop doubting that I am loved, appreciated, seen and wanted?

I am trying so hard to see the dynamics of this relationship from a different perspective than I have in the past. From the perspective of a child without preconceived ideas of what it means to be valued and appreciated.

It is not that I am insecure. In fact I really have healthy self-esteem and I am confident in my ability to be a fantastic life partner. I am beautiful, healthy, sexy, smart, funny and fun. But do others see that? Am I seen? Do others value that? Am I valued? Do other appreciate that? Am I appreciated? I am not the only person on this planet. And I value relationship (friendship and romantic). I like me, but is there another person out there that wants me?

One-Minute Writer

2011-04-19T08:34:00.005-05:00

Today's Writing Prompt: Change
Write about one way you haven't changed since you were 13 years old.

I am 30 now, soon to be 31, and I still believe that people are basically good despite my experience of evidence to the contrary. I think that people make choices based on their life experience, upbringing and culture. And they must really believe that the decisions they make are the best decisions for themselves based on their values.
I still value community and individuals and freedom. I still value love and kindness. I still like to dance, all day, every day.

Another Wednesday.

2011-04-06T10:29:00.003-05:00

I guess we can't exist without emotion. I am not by nature, or at least at my age now, very emotional. I feel like I do feel passion and disgust. I guess maybe a better way to explain it is that I don't SHOW emotion. I feel so many things right now. I don't know what to do with the emotion bombarding me.

Partner (List no.1)

2011-03-29T08:21:00.008-05:00

I want a partner that... will willingly pick up cream on the way home from work for me without griping; will plan and cook meals with me; enjoys sex as much as I do; apologizes; seeks new adventure for us; motivates me; accepts the fact that I shower twice a week, wear my clothes more than once, like to stay up late; is as laid back as I am; basically doesn't sweat the small stuff; is spontaneous.

Transition.

2011-03-29T07:30:00.007-05:00

I have been feeling drained. Emotionally and physically. I am to blame for the physical drain. I have been staying up too late and napping at odd times. I may be partly to blame as well for emotional drain. I have been not eating well and not working out as much as I need to. I also have one challenging kid in daycare right now. That makes a huge difference in my ability to get to the end of the day without being totally petered out. I know I need to offer myself more grace. I am embarking on a new journey. I am in a state of transition. I am learning how to balance a new set of responsibilities (um, doing the laundry, and trying to pack up more of Shane's stuff). And I am enjoying my new found ability to relax. I have been unmotivated to get things done around the house. This might be a good sign. Cleaning and organizing are my coping mechanisms. I have nothing really upsetting me right now, so nothing is getting done. I need something to motivate me.

Hope.

2011-03-22T21:48:00.002-05:00

I am starting to wake up and feel inspired to write again. I am sitting here, surrounded by the days mess. Toys scattered across the floor; markers haphazardly thrown on the table; flour, sugar and egg smeared on the counter. Signs of life. We live here. Tonight was gym night with my bestest friend. After the kids and I got home I mixed up a batch of cookies with Calvin. I think I gained five pounds off of cookie dough. I love the little things. I love mixing up cookies with Calvin. I love hearing Colton's stories that only he understands completely. I love watching Carrera dancing through the kitchen (right before she wipes out. So funny, but not allowed to laugh). I miss "family" some days. I miss that my kids aren't going to have mom and dad in the same house anymore. But we are still a family. We still love each other. We still have each others backs. We are going to bake up some of the cookies tomorrow for the kids to bring for dad. Dad loves Mama's cookies. Our lives are changing, but we are still on this planet together. And I have hope.

Silence.

2011-03-21T09:43:00.003-05:00

After weeks of silence. I am feeling. I started crying yesterday, and it is so hard to stop. I have so many questions. Questions for God, or the divine. Why? Why? Why? Why am going through this? Why nine years? A nine year lesson. Will I ever be enough? Enough for another person to love? I want someone to take a risk to be with me. Someone to give up, whatever it is that holds them back. I want someone that will give up other women. I want someone that will give up their ego or their insecurities. I want someone to choose me. I want to be loved. I will settle for nothing less.

Alone time.

2011-02-23T21:45:00.002-06:00

I haven't been getting enough alone time.

I have been filling my time with people.

I spent the last nine years feeling unable to freely spend time with people.

So, I guess this is okay. It is okay that I have filled up my time for a few weeks... or month. I think that now I am ready for some down time. My house needs some TLC. Work is piling up. Taxes are screaming my name. And I am shocked that I haven't even take one bath since Shane moved out. I LOVE baths! I must create a new routine.

Living Outloud!

2011-02-21T15:05:00.003-06:00

I have been refraining from writing partly out of respect for Shane. We have been officially separated for over a month. And honestly, it has been a wonderful month. Only one hard day. The rest of the time I have been enjoying my freedom by spending time alone and with friends, soaking in life. I have laughed more in the last month than I have in years. I have been surrounding myself with encouraging people. People that build me up and accept me for who I really am. It is so refreshing to live life outloud. I have been dancing through the last month. Living my truth.

I have had to drop two of my three classes this semester. It is just hard to balance moving forward with divorce, while being a mother and trying to take care of all the little things that come along with running a house.

I am looking forward to this summer. A good friend is going to teach me how to play softball. I have at least four friends interesting in motorcycling with me. Some friends have invited me and the kids to go to the black hills with their family. I want to take the kids camping. I am excited to set up the ring pool and spend fun time with the kids. I am excited to bike all over town with them.

I am working on doing some decorating in my home. I picked out paint colors and I am looking for some artwork. I feel like I have a fresh start. It is very nice to be able to make a safe space in my home for people to come and be free to express themselves.

Superbowl.

2011-02-07T09:29:00.005-06:00

BEST WEEKEND EVER! Friday night I got the house cleaned and spent some time with my mom (Shane had the kids). Saturday Shane moved and the kids spent the day with some friends of ours. After helping Shane, I got a few things done around the house and made a Goodwill trip. I purchased a puppet stage. Its needs to be cleaned, but it was totally a score! That evening the kids and I spend some time with our friends P. & N., and we ended up crashing at their home. It was so nourishing to be away from home and in a safe space. I am working at creating friendships with people who are just real.

Sunday I attended a Spiritual Center with my best friend and drove down to the cities to spend time with friends. It is so nice to have the freedom to do what I want, go where I want, and to spend time with who I want.

M. Day.

2011-02-05T12:52:00.004-06:00

Moving day.

Shane moved into his new apartment today. I think he picked a great apartment. It has lots of room for the four of them, it is closer to work and the kids' school than his hometown, which is where he was thinking about moving. There is a playground and a pool. It is far enough away from me that we don't have to worry about running into each other.

It feels nice to have the move over. I was worried about it. Mostly about how he would act around me. There has been a lot of tension when we see each other, and that makes it hard to know how to respond to him.

Well, on to the next step in our journeys.

Big Sap.

2011-02-03T11:14:00.005-06:00

I have been being a big sap and listening to Keith Urban's Making Memories of Us (posted a few days ago on the blog) over and over. Ever since I first heard the song on the radio years ago I've thought: that is what I want!! There are other songs that have done that to me over the years as well. I worry that it is an unrealistic expectation of life. I have the capacity to love someone like that. But is there anyone out there the has the capacity to love me?

Lists.

2011-02-03T09:44:00.008-06:00

Lists.

I have been making lots of lists.

The major one is my boundaries right now. I haven't been good with setting boundaries... ever. I feel that I have been stumbling and tripping ever since Shane and I decided to split. I want to make friendships, but don't know quite how to not give too much of myself. It is embarrassing! I make a stupid choice or two and want to crawl in my closet and die. I have been to eager to get out and live a little. I am learning to accept all things about myself, but I am unwilling to stay in a rut, if you will. So I have some major "rules" for myself. A huge one is that I am trying to listen to the "little voice." I am rather intuitive, but often I question my intuitions and that voice that says: "don't do that" or "take a step back" and especially the one that says "you are okay even without affirmation" or "you have all you need." Abundance. I wrote that an the end of my last blog as a reminder to myself of what a friend said to me on Tuesday. And I forgot to delete it. I have an abundance; an abundance of time... an abundance of finances (I have enough)... and abundance of support. The universe is providing those things, but what I need is an abundance of positive. I find myself slinking into the negatives of life, of being alone. At first it was intoxicating, then challenging, now it just is. I am learning to be alone.

Back to lists. I have one of things I want to learn and do, like cross country skiing, ballet, voice lessons, and travelling. I have a list of the negotiable and non-negotiable in a future mate. I have one of all the projects I want to do in the house this next spring. It is exciting!

Now I need to get back to work. Snack is over.

Nourishment.

2011-02-01T22:46:00.004-06:00

This evening was such a nourishing evening, all about me. I met my bff to walk at the gym for 40 minutes, followed by an appointment with my therapist, followed by a massage with my friend Deb. I feel so grounded right now. I know what some of the choices I need to make are. I know what I need to work on. I talked a little about it with my niece when I got home. I need to work on the big four, and I've already started it. My big four are: physical, emotional, spiritual and relational. As far as that physical goes, I've got my gym membership, motivation, and a fridge full of healthy food. I do need to work on getting a better sleep schedule though. In the emotional, I have tons of work to do. I need to learn how to feel again. I am reading a book about the language of emotions. Spiritual, well I signed up for this program, I found a spiritual center to attend weekly, and I am reading about chakras. But what I really need to do is start meditating and praying again. Lastly, relationally, I have been meeting new people and building relationships. I just need to get my boundaries straightened out. So, here I am. I see what I need to do, and I'm heading in that direction!
Abundance

Keith Urban - Making Memories Of Us

2011-02-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

Define.

2011-02-01T08:46:00.003-06:00

I def have some boundary defining to do. Too bad I have the kids all the time and can't even keep up on homework. Maybe this weekend I can work on that.... maybe.
(Something smells like vanilla in here. Mmmmm... yum.)

Dilemma.

2011-02-01T08:37:00.002-06:00

So, I put out this commitment to myself that I wouldn't date until I completed the spiritual class I signed up for. I thought it was a year class, but it lasts until October 2012! So now, what do I do? Can I keep that commitment? Can I go like almost two years without sex!? (And I am ONLY doing the sex thing within a relationship, so no cheating on that. My heart gets too involved, even if I try not to let it.).

Just Another Manic Monday...

2011-01-31T20:28:00.005-06:00

My bff has got me addicted to wraps... the food kind. Mmmmm... yummy! My daughter is presently squealing at how cute the little baby grapes are! Nothing is ever boring around here. Tonight was the first night that life felt semi-normal again. My mom watched the last 15 minutes of daycare so I could get Carrera to dance (she has had to miss the last three weeks!). While we were at dance, my mom brought my boys to see their grandpa (my dad) at the nursing home. I am a horrible daughter-I have yet to visit him myself. We met back at home and one of my fabulous neighbors had cleared my driveway of snow. So I made the kids a quick dinner, threw in a movie and sped to a local gym and signed up. CHECK. One major thing off my list of modifications I am ready to make in my life. Major bonus, they have yoga two nights a week. I am SO there! Then I ran and picked up groceries. It was so fun to buy foods for myself. And that brings me to now, my wrap and iced green tea. I feel so good! My fridge is full of healthy food, my heart is full of love and my head is clear. Mmmmmm.... I just want to sit and enjoy this moment.

"Mom! Mom!" Ok, that didn't last long. Oh well, I love being a mom more than anything in this universe!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

2011-01-31T09:34:00.000-06:00

Aloneness and Faith.

2011-01-30T14:02:00.010-06:00

Ok, so this morning at the spiritual center the pastor chick talked about faith, expectations and manifestation. What we expect is most likely to come to life. I know all this. I mean I really do. I get it. I've heard it before. I keep telling myself I just need some time to be negative. But I think that time is over... for now. I will be happy... I AM HAPPY! I hope to find another mate in 3 or 5 years. I hope to make some great friends that I can spend time with on the weekends. But right now I can accept that the universe (or universal spirit) is pushing me towards aloneness. I will spend this time searching and growing and dancing. And then when the time is right I hope to find someone who wants to share in my dance. Even if that person is just a close friend.

Aloneness is a good challenge. I am working on developing boundaries and goals and routines. I am learning how to look out for myself. I've always expected that someone else would look out for me or have my best interests in mind... what was I thinking! That is so not true. So I am creating that security and safety for myself.

I also want community. I want to have connections and make connections. I feel like I can do that and that I am doing that. Random people are kinda coming together in my life to create this community that I can feel free to be myself within. People are happy for me and excited to see what will happen as this process unfolds. And I am happy to see their lives unfolding as well. How incredibly amazing life is!

I am. And that's it. I am not more than that, and I can't really be less than that either. I worry that I am TOO much. It will take a really strong and large person to be able to handle me as a mate. I like to take up space. I like to be loud.... and it isn't just that I like to be loud. I just AM fucking loud. I remember being called gypsy girl in elementary school because I was eccentric and artistic. I've always wanted to be a fairy. To be covered in glitter and color and fly and dance in the air. And that is what is going to unfold during this time of metamorphosis in my life. It is exciting. And I am going to take on an attitude of acceptance. I accept what I am going through right now. It is an important part in my life journey.

Another hump.

2011-01-30T13:59:00.003-06:00

Brought Carrera into B&N for the first time since all this went down. She refused to go anywhere else with mama for coffee. AWKWARD! I feel that Shane must'ave painted a pretty negative picture of me because I got a few cold looks and lot less friendliness. I hope it doesn't last this way forever. I love Barnes.

Creeps.

2011-01-30T00:07:00.002-06:00

I am nobodies type. I attract creeps. I am going to spend the rest of my life alone because I refuse to settle for someone that isn't: confident, independent, spiritual, intelligent, outgoing, an explorer, an adventurer, sexual, and ATTRACTIVE! (Trust me, the list is growing longer by the second)

Fucking Cry.

2011-01-29T23:29:00.006-06:00

I got stood up again tonight. My bff, V, said, "Maybe the universe is telling you that you need to go home and be alone." So true, ...and so hard. Being alone. I am realising that, well, A) it is going to be awhile before I have another good fuck-which is crazy hard for me to come to grips with, but, B) I can't just surround myself with people and still work on finding me. So, I came home. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Way to go Rachel! Lets do this! Lets cry!

One of my faults, or I guess a better way to say it is, one of the things I've given up of myself is my ability to express emotion. I was that typical overly eccentric and emotional child. My dad liked to call me "free spirit" and if I had been left to grow in a healthy environment I would have been so artistic and expressive. But that was stifled. I learned very early on to Stuff. Those. Emotions. Down. and to do it quickly and deeply. So, here I am at age 30 trying to Dig. Down. Deep. and find that... child. Just so I can fucking cry.

Friday Night.

2011-01-28T22:42:00.003-06:00

I'll be honest. I was really hoping to go out tonight. Not that I couldn't just go out by myself.... but I won't. Tonight I did go to book club from 7-10 p.m. and that was fabulous. It was fun to listen to everybody's crazy stories and connect with women that are in a similar place in life to where I am. People can be so encouraging and so crazy fun. I feel like I've missed out on so many years of connecting with people and now I want to spend every free second doing just that. So here I am, all dressed up and no where to go.

The Moment.

2011-01-28T07:49:00.002-06:00

Life is intoxicating right now. I feel high! I have been dancing and allowing myself to feel the air on my arms. I have been laying on the floor and being with my space. I am slowing down and really enjoying the moment.

New Beginnings.

2011-01-27T10:11:00.007-06:00

Shane and I are getting divorced

It isn't the fault of either of us (or at least I'm choosing not to place blame). We fought out this part of our journey together for nine years. Being complete opposites with very different life goals, the challenges began to outweigh the benefits for both of us. I think he may be having a harder time with it than I am. Although I hide it all very well. Perhaps too well.

I cried for the first time last night. In front of my kids. Calvin told me something that I always tell him, "Mom, its okay to cry... It lets out the negative emotions." That made me laugh and then cry harder. I miss having someone here to talk to and tell about my day and what I am learning. I also miss being held.

I am excited to see what the future brings to me. Well, the "present" actually. I am focusing on being present with this whole experience. I am seeking the universe and myself, the self that I lost somewhere along the way.

I've started touching things, like tables and walls and fabric. I am really beginning to feel my surroundings. Perhaps the next step will be learning to feel my actual feelings.

Ahhhhhh!!!

2011-01-23T11:45:00.002-06:00

I had this fabulous revelation this morning: No body cares. I can offer myself as I am to people and they have a choice to accept me or not. And those people that accept don't care that I can be a little quirky, that I talk a lot, that I don't know how to tell creeps to fuck off, that I only have red wine to offer, or that I made semi-cold chicken sandwiches for us to eat at four in the morning. Like, where have these people been my whole life!? After 30 years of being critiqued, I get to just live and be me. This is so fuckin awesome!

Over.

2011-01-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

Shane moved out. Just took his clothes and necessities.

Happy.

2011-01-14T17:25:00.003-06:00

I am happy. Really and truly happy right now. I had a wonderful night out with friends last night. I'm realising how hard life has been in the last few years and I am taking time for me. It is hard this weekend though. We were supposed to spend the weekend out of town with the kids, but the roads are too bad (snow) to go anywhere. So we are stuck here. I really would like to do something for me tonight, like read, or work on some sort of project, but I know that the kids will flip if I do that. Sometimes I can be so selfish.

New Year.

2011-01-10T22:53:00.002-06:00

After nine years Shane wants me to feel okay being myself in our relationship, and actually I have to be. I can no longer fake it. So, the hard part now is finding ME. I think that in the past I’ve always tried to form myself into whatever the people around me wanted me to be, especially the men around me. I formed who I was to fit what they were looking for in a woman… or at least what I thought they were looking for. It never served me well because I never had much luck with men until I met Shane. I think that is a huge fear for me right now. If Shane and I part ways, will I ever find someone that wants me? Especially now that I have three kids, stretch marks and I am 30. In a way, I know that this part of my journey is here to solidify that I am ok with just being me even if no one else is. Can I really be that? Can I really do this? Can I really be me in spite of the pressure to be something I am not? I am blunt and bullheaded. I can be a know-it-all, but I love to hear other opinions and learn new things. And my newest realization is that I am an extrovert. I am unhappy and stifled right now at this point in my life because I have no social outlet. I love one-on-one conversation, but the energy of a crowd is intoxicating. Perhaps I can find me and be me in this relationship. Perhaps he can be happy as well and we can make it work. I am uncertain. I have hope some moments and none in the next. But what I do know is that I can’t be stagnant any longer. It has been hard over the years to step out and do the things I want to do despite his obvious disapproval. I do love him. I love his opinions about politics and freedom. I love that he is so sexually free. Perhaps with him I have become way freer than I would have become without him. It is hard to separate one fraction of the journey and wonder what would happen without. I love the movie “Sliding Doors” because I really think that we take our choices too seriously. I could have left Shane five years ago when we were in a similar predicament, but I chose to stick it out, to honor my covenant with him. I was religious at that point. If I had walked away would I be in a different place now, or would I still be searching for permission from someone to be who I am? I guess I think that all roads lead to the same lessons, and perhaps to the same end. Do I think I will be with Shane ten years from now? Uncertain at this point. A year ago I would have said definitely. But not only do I want to be happy, but I really want him to be happy, and I am not helping him find happiness. As a matter of fact, I feel that I only bring him pain. He wants a relationship and a life that I am not willing to have. Will he make adjustments for me? Some. Will he be happy with those adjustments? I’m not sure. I think he hates that I blog about him, but I have an obsession with openness. Perhaps as a result of my messed up childhood (oh, I know, we all have messed up childhoods. Don’t worry, I am not going on a “poor me” rampage. I actually had it pretty good considering.). I’m an overly honest person. One of Shane and I’s problems for sure. If someone asks me if they look fat in a shirt and they do, hell if I’m gonna lie! I wouldn’t want them lyin’ to me! So, here I am. On a journey to self-discovery. Honestly, my 20s were all about self-discovery, but this now is about self-expression. It’s about not apologizing for who I am. It’s about moving forward confident that I am worthy of belonging on this earth just as I am. Letting go of that obsessive need for approval and saying take me or leave. This year will definitely be an interesting one.

Bump.

2011-01-10T20:22:00.003-06:00

I've been like a bump on a log. I have been so down trying to determine what the future will hold. It seems that no matter how it pans out there will be pain. Pain for me, pain for Shane, pain for the kids. I eventually got my butt off the couch this morning and made myself do some productive stuff. Lil' I.J. and me went through Carrera's closet and filled up over two bags of outgrown clothes. Lil' I.J. begged for a few items, which I will gladly give her at her mom's consent. It was so great to goof off and have fun with my babies today. So many of them aren't babies anymore. Lil' I.J. is 3 already, and her little buddies are almost all preschoolers (2-5). My house is full of tiny people that like to talk my ears off and fight over Barbies. God I love it! I am not a baby person. Give me the 3 year olds!! They hold my heart!

Proud Mama.

2011-01-10T20:18:00.002-06:00

Calvin and Colton both recently got their first official journals. They have been obsessively writing in them too. I couldn't be prouder. This morning Carrera decided that she needs a journal too. She wrote her first two words (besides her name). She wrote: "Baby Odie" on a piece of paper, and she knew enough that "baby" starts with a B because of the sound! My baby is so smart, and my boys are such great budding writers. I am such a proud mama today!

GPS.

2011-01-10T20:12:00.004-06:00

My friend Jennifer posted on Facebook today: "If I am in fact controlling my destiny maybe I should get a GPS, because I have no idea where I'm going." That is exactly how I feel right now. Also, Sabrina posted: "Dear Life, Please stop fucking with me!" Gotta love my friends. Are we all going through shit right now or WHAT!?

Falling...

2011-01-10T09:05:00.001-06:00

Straight up, I'm falling apart.

Invested.

2011-01-09T10:30:00.004-06:00

He wants me invested. I was invested a year ago. I poured out my heart and all of me. Then I was introduced to her. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck on a dirt road. My emotions are ripped to shreds. My heart is still sitting in the hospital. The rest of me is wondering if I will make it or not. I just can't stand up out of that bed and say "Ok, I'm invested again."

Giraffe on the ceiling.

2010-12-29T16:45:00.003-06:00

I remember reading a book in about 5th grade about a girl who was completely herself much to the disdain of her peers and parents. She was eccentric and artistic. I remember thinking that I wished to have the courage to be myself. I didn't find anything close to her courage until late into my high school years, and even then, I often hid my artistic expression from others. I still feel like I don't know how to fully express myself. I once told a counselor that I wished I could paint my walls in rainbow and hang a giraffe from the ceiling, but eccentricism just isn't accepted, or at least I don't feel it is. I get sick of my cookie cutter home, haircut and life.

Silent Night.

2010-12-22T21:16:00.003-06:00

"Silent night. Snowy night..." At the "Soulstice" Celebration I attended last night, they sung "Silent Night" with varied lyrics. It is in my head because my house is currently silent. Ah, sweet silence.

Tonight we opened our solstice presents with the kids. We got a Wii. Yeah, I know, lil' miss anti-video games decided that a Wii would be a good choice for us. Don't get me wrong, I am still anti-sitting in front of a tv (or DS) like a zombie and playing games. Resulting in lack of socializing (a.k.a. communicating) with one another. But there is just something about the Wii. I have a friend that has family Wii bowling nights with popcorn. That was the kicker for me. I WANT that! I hate dragging the kids out of the house and spending money on activities that aren't really social in the first place, like movies. I want family nights. Board games are great, but they get a little old with 8-year olds and a 4-year old. Now Wii bowling, we can do that! So tomorrow I will be setting up the Wii and welcoming our first video game system (not counting v-smile of course). I also got the kids Twister and a puzzle. Endless hours of fun in this house!

Sunday at the Barnes.

2010-12-19T13:15:00.004-06:00

I've been reading Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha (Tara Brach, Ph.D) for years. Ever since I started back at the local university, I haven't had a ton of time to read and most recently I have been reading fiction for my book club. But I do still periodically pick up Radical Acceptance and read a chapter. I am half way through. Today I read about being "enough" which is a current theme in my life. Am I enough? I wear so many hats. I am the daughter, the student, the mother, the wife, the friend, the daycare lady, and the business owner, just to name a few. But am I enough? I am not enough in my marriage, that is obvious. I feel that recently I am not enough as a mother because my kids are all going through rough stages, refusing to listen or follow instructions. I feel that I am not enough as a daycare provider because parents are challenging me because kids have been sick and we don't do enough crafts. I have been challenged as a business owner because I have recently been told I charge too much for daycare and parents want to switch (economy?). I am not enough as a student because I am getting at least one B if not three this semester. I am just plain not enough. And I have nothing left in me to strive right now. I am accepting with radical acceptance that I just don't have the capacity to be enough.

With that said, I have some plans that I want to incorporate as a business owner and daycare lady. My recent class was Parent Involvement in Early Childhood Education. Well, I am an early childhood educator as a daycare provider, even if I don't make loads of money, or respect, or have a degree in that field. So I am going to incorporate more parent involvement techniques. Over break (before Jan. 11 when the new semester begins) I plan to put together a parent resource library, put together 12 newsletters for the following year, and send out invitations for parents to come observe or participate in our daily activities. What I have found interesting is that it is the parents that never come to my daycare, and rarely pick up or drop off their kids, that complain the most about my rates and my daycare. Logically one would think that you would refrain from complaining about someone you never see or talk to, but, our culture allows it.

So, is it wrong that I am still striving to be "enough" or is that human nature? In my heart and head I honestly believe that I am doing a great job in all areas. I am a good wife, a good mother, a good daycare lady, a good business owner, a good friend and a good daughter. But maybe my vision is blurred. So, back to the book. Maybe I'll finish it over break (along with all four books for book club!).

Snow day!

2010-12-11T22:43:00.004-06:00

What an absolutely wonderful, beautiful day! Shane and I connected on a level that I haven't felt in a long time. We slept in this morning. After we got up all of us, including Millie (our dog) and the kids, went out to shovel the drive. It felt so great with all of us working together as a team. Then we all gathered upstairs, drank hot chocolate and coffee and just relaxed. Later, we all worked together to clean and pick up the house. Then Shane and I worked together on projects in the den. At the end of the night we all cuddled up to watch a movie. It was the perfect day. Everything is working out. Why did I ever doubt.

Failure.

2010-12-09T08:36:00.003-06:00

If this marriage fails, my first and only, I will never get married again. I will be the old single white woman in her little house with her dogs (not cats or birds). I'll have a drawer full of vibrators, each with its own cutesie name and I will please myself. Never again will a let a man hurt me like this.

Raw.

2010-12-08T22:41:00.000-06:00

Raw. Raw. Raw. Raw. Raw.

Real. Real. Real. Real. Real.

It feels so raw, but I refuse to hold back and not keep it real.

Shane and I started counseling again for the third time in our almost nine years of marriage.

There is a woman... well girl actually... into whose face I want to scream "Home wrecker". ...Although I know it isn't her fault.

I am not innocent either. Three years ago my own actions brought us into counseling, and Shane perhaps felt the same urge that I do.

I love him so completely. He is everything I want. I can't live without him.

But can I live with him?

Turning to chocolate.

2010-11-24T09:13:00.003-06:00

Today I turn to chocolate. A dangerous choice, I know. Those yummy chocolate stars have been starring at me for days from the top of the fridge. I shoved them into the back of the cupboard hoping to forget their existence, but they still called to me. So, with my head and heart burdened, I turn to them. Asking them, please to not make me crabby or angry, asking them to comfort me.

I paused my writing to throw the rest of them in the garbage. The reality hit me: these chocolates are only going to surge me with discontent and longing for something more. Something more that can't be defined, and then I would spend my day wallowing in my own misery. Of course the damage may already be done - I ate at least a dozen before the rest landed in the garbage.

There are times in life when I just have to stop, throw my hands in the air and say "I give up!" Life take me where I need to go because I am at a loss. Nothing is easy right now. Nothing makes sense in my mind or heart. I love, I live, I am at a loss for words.

Writing Prompt: Frugal

2010-11-21T14:06:00.003-06:00

The One-Minute Writer: Today's Writing Prompt: Frugal
Write about an area in which you don't want to be frugal:

Wikipedia: Frugality is the practice of acquiring goods and services in a restrained manner, and resourcefully using already owned economic goods and services, to achieve a longer term goal.

There are many areas in which I refuse to be frugal. I buy more expensive food that is either organic, or will take me less time in the kitchen. I just purchased a front loading washer with the warranty for five years. My husband and I refuse to drive old cars that are not reliable. Yet, I am restrained when it comes to clothing. I do shop at Goodwill. I also like to buy used books and items on eBay or half.com. I refuse to buy cheap cosmetics and hair products, because I have sensitive skin and am obsessed with my hair. Really, I need to learn how to be more frugal!

Blah...

2010-11-21T12:27:00.008-06:00

I'm watching the Vikings/Packers game curled up next to the one adult that I am unafraid of, my husband. My anxiety has been high this last week. I can go for weeks feeling great and then out of nowhere, bam, it hits me. I guess it really is a life-long condition. Non-debilitating because I refuse to let it keep me from living, but a pain in the ass just the same. I have been sick every time I eat in the past three weeks. I thought that it was just from my legs healing (I had minor surgery), but my anxiety has been steadily growing. So, I have been having a hard time sleeping and eating, and my body feels like it is stuck in fight or flight mode. My body is sore from my muscles flexing involuntarily. I wish I knew a magic trick to flush the anxiety out of my system. A run would be nice, but I ain't running on ice!

I feel ashamed every time I talk about my anxiety, like I have a major flaw.

Today I cancelled daycare for tomorrow. Calvin has been puking since 9 a.m. and isn't going to be stopping anytime soon. When Calvin gets sick, he gets sick. He has already thrown up over ten times in the last four hours. I HATE cancelling daycare. For one, I really enjoy my kids and I don't usually want to take a day off. For two, I have some parents that are not very forgiving when I have to cancel. So this boosts my anxiety even more. I told myself that this year I was going to be stricter with parents and myself. Last year so many kids got sick. So, although I feel like shit that I cancelled, I am glad that no one else is going to get sick.

I set goals for homework the last few weeks. I want to get all my homework done before Thanksgiving. I want to finish all my TA work and my final papers, so that the few weeks after Thanksgiving before finals all I have to do is study for my one final. I hate having things hanging over me. So last week I finished one final paper and this weekend I was supposed to complete the second one. I started it this morning. I have six pages left to write. I think I can finish before Thursday, but I won't be done today like I hoped. I might work on my TA stuff tomorrow and finish that while I take care of Calvin. I recently got pegged as the go-to girl for my online class. My prof isn't that good at getting back on e-mails, and I asked her all the pertinent assignment questions at the beginning of the semester so the whole class thinks that I am the Grad Assistant. Too bad I'm not. That is what I hope to do when I am done with my undergrad. I do have the answers for most of their questions.

As the semester drags on my house is getting more and more messy. I am so ready for the semester to be over so I can get caught up on picking up, organizing and filing. I need to weed out the toys before Christmas and take a trip to Goodwill. I also want to do some leisure reading. I have been buying books on half.com like crazy and using the library. There are SO many books I want to read!

Well, with school, and daycare, and messy house, and minor surgery, and too many cookies, I guess it is no wonder my anxiety is high. I just hope that I can unwind over the next few days.

Gender Roles.

2010-11-10T22:08:00.005-06:00

One of the benefits of being a non-traditional student is that I take a lot of online classes, and online classes often have online discussions. This gives me a great opportunity to work on my writing and communicating effectively through my writing. (It also gives me the opportunity to critique and rip apart other students' lack of writing skills. Is it really that hard to write "are you" instead of "R U"? For God's sake this is a college course!)

Tonight I had to answer the question: How did you acquire your gender views, and to what degree are you satisfied with them? Here is my reply:

Wow. Um. My parents have very traditional gender roles to some extent. My mom stayed home, made meals, changed diapers, cleaned, went to school conferences, etc. My dad worked, and disciplined once in awhile. I was lucky to have two college educated parents who saw value in teaching their six kids critical thinking skills. Dinner time was family discussion time and I learned at an early age to examine my limited boxed view of the world and discard anything that didn't work. This fostering of openness to challenging myself was the foundation for later change in my view of gender roles. When I went to college right out of high school I got a work placement in the University Women's Center. This position opened my eyes to a whole new sea of views about women and gender and sexuality. Without this experience it may have taken me a lot longer to get to where I am today. I dropped out of college and eventually went to massage school where I met a lot of modern day hippies and empowered (and sexual) women. After massage school I met my husband, a liberal feminist who studied women's studies in college. All of these things helped to collaborate my view on gender and gender roles. AND with that, I am very satisfied with how I stand on gender roles.

So, are "Wow. Um." just as bad as "R U"... not sure. I guess I was going for the communicating effect. Like I just was asked this question in an interview and just had to follow it with "Wow....um...." ...Touche.

Confrontation.

2010-11-10T10:50:00.003-06:00

My prompt today will be the first word that popped into my head: Confrontation.

In my Community Psychology therapy technique class we end up discussing confrontation regularly. And, as to be expected, all my classmates hate and avoid confrontation. I have a love-hate relationship with confrontation. And sometimes, with certain people, more of a love relationship. I have to tone it down for Shane because he feels like I am beating him up with all the confrontation and bluntness I provide him with. The thing is, I LOVE when people tell me how they really feel (although I hate it when people decide to tell me how they really feel when I am trying to tell them how I really feel). I grew up somehow becoming a very passive person, believing everything that everyone else said and never standing up for myself. Something changed when I had kids. Confrontation became this mama bears biggest challenge. I was determined to overcome. I would become, I told myself, a master at confrontation. And therefore I took every opportunity, and despite fear, I dove in, sometimes ending up feet first, head first, or completely belly flopping (that can sting!). But I never gave up. I refuse to give my daughter, or my sons, an example of a mother that doesn't stick up for herself and her family. So I may hate the actual physical act of confronting someone, but I know that I love the results... usually (read: when my husband doesn't end up being ticked at me for two weeks, or when I can actually wave to my neighbor because she doesn't avoid me at all costs).

Live to write or write to live!

2010-11-10T10:31:00.006-06:00

I took a memoir writing class last Saturday after having been encouraged by multiple people to write. The instructor (a witty and overly chipper actress from the Guthrie whom I immediately fell madly in love with and wanted to make my best friend)challenged the class to write for five minutes every day using a prompt or idea. So, even though my plate is already. Way. Too. Full. I am going to try. I actually found that I can write quite a bit given only five minutes. Some of my writing I may post on here, and some I may keep to myself, and given that I am in a very emotional and introspective phase right now, I will perhaps benefit from the writing more than any reader.

Committed to... the library!

2010-11-02T13:51:00.004-05:00

I finished Committed in a about a day. I loved it. I actually feel glad to be married and that I am married to someone that I care about, who cares about me and agrees with me most of the time. It could be so much worse!

I have discovered the library. Both the public library, which I have barely used in the last ten years, and the university library, which until last week I could count on one hand the number of times I had entered. So, on Sunday I ventured, coffee in hand, to study in the pure and blissful silence of the university library. I decided quite quickly that I need to pack up and move in (silence is a rarely experienced luxury in our home). The public library is amazing too. I have been filling my brain with books and ideas. In fact, I am taking a memoir writing workshop at the public library on Saturday. I thought it might be an interesting hour and half, and I really do love to write. Just as much as I love to read. I am rekindling my love for fiction and quickly becoming an addict.

As a child I went to the public library after school two or three days a week. I got in trouble at school once for walking to the library after school without a parent permission slip. My mom was not upset with me because she knew I was supposed to go to the library, but she did write a note for the rest of the year that gave me the option of riding the bus home OR walking to the library. In the small town that I grew up in we had a small one-room library that is linked with the Great River Regional Library system. I remember when we first got a library in our town. The first thing I loved was that I could rent movies... for FREE! My love grew from borrowing movies, to the art books. I checked out every single drawing book from the library and would draw every picture. Then I fell in love with fairy tales, especially the ones from other cultures. I read through every fairy tale book at least once. Then I read the entire juvenile fiction section book by book, followed by the science fiction section. By sixth grade I had worked myself into the adult fiction section and was reading John Grisham. Throughout these years I would check out an average of about fifteen books a week and read every single one of them. My addiction actually got so bad that my mom grounded me from reading for a whole week. I was DEVASTATED! What happened to me between then and now? Well, I've read fiction off and on until I had kids, and then... nothing. Don't get me wrong, I've read books, but just not fiction and not much variety. So realising that there are books and books and books waiting for me is exhilarating. And I not only want to read fiction. I want to read memoirs and history books and learn about music and politics and.... well, everything. I feel like a sponge. I want to bath in books. And, as hard as it is right now with school, I am reading for fun again!

In the heat of the semester.

2010-10-19T08:31:00.003-05:00

I just read the first two Hunger Games books and a memoir, The Same Kind of Different As I Am. It has felt really good to sink my teeth into some books. I am about to start Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love). I really don't know how I am fitting leisure reading into my life in addition to my studies. I have a paper to write today and a presentation due tomorrow. I have a test Friday and I haven't even read the chapters. I'm pulling my As though.

Last Saturday Shane and I brought Colton and Calvin to a comic book show and Carrera stayed home with her cousin Damaris. Damaris just turned 17! They had a fabulous day together. It was a good break for the boys and I. We had a fun lunch at our favorite pizza restaurant in Maple Grove. We talked about girls and school.

On Sunday Colton and Calvin attended a birthday party for a friend from school. Carrera and I went back early and hung out. It was the highlight of my week. T's (the birthday boy) parents are fabulous. They have a tiki bar out by the lake at their house. A fully stocked tiki bar. We drank wine and talked about the Chinese program, about life, and briefly before I left about politics. It's been a long time since I've been able to hang out with kindred spirits and just be me. I think I needed the break from the pressures surrounding me every day here in my home.

Shane and I have been contemplating what marriage means and what we want it to mean. Shane is considerably less introspective than I am. I HATE marriage and being married, but mostly because of the religious connotations of marriage in our culture. For a woman marriage is a trap. I feel trapped in a web of pressures of being the wife and mother. I want to be me, not the wife. I want to be Rachel, free to make choices that aren't always revolving around Shane. I know, selfish right? But for some reason men don't feel that same pressure as husbands that we do as wives.

Well, that is life in the heat of the semester... in a nutshell.

Healthy Adult.

2010-10-08T06:51:00.005-05:00

I worry sometimes that if I share too much about my childhood I will be seen as inadequate. As if a poor childhood experience indicates that I will be an inadequate adult. It is easy to find statistics about children of alcoholics or children of abusers and the likelihood of their own failure at life.

Neither Shane and I had examples in our home growing up of healthy relationship's.

I grew up not knowing what it meant to be a healthy college student.

I had religion down pat. Selflessness and servant hood to God were values I had adopted from years of religious doctrine.

But now, how do I be a healthy adult? I worry sometimes that my lack of knowledge about being an adult will show through. I feel like a five year old or seven year old in a 30 year old body. I hope that no one discovers my secret of my lack of knowledge... but yet. I've worked hard to learn how to be a spouse, a partner, a mother, a daycare provider. I've worked hard to discover my own desires and potential. What does it mean to be an adult? Does it mean taking responsibility for your actions? Well then I was an adult by the time I was ten. Is it a physical change? Well then I was an adult when I was thirteen. Is it an arrival, a stagnancy? Well then I hope to never be an adult. As a human In am in constant state of change. I am learning and adapting every day.

Just a Wednesday night.

2010-09-22T20:08:00.009-05:00

My professor pulled me aside tonight to tell me that I am an outstanding writer and that I really should do something with that gift. My immediate response was to inform her that my mother is a retired English teacher (as if that explains it all). I have this habit of downplaying my gifts. I am extremely embarrassed when I get compliments, but I also cherish them deeply. I remember every instance that my mother has said that I do an amazing job with my kids. I remember every time a daycare parent tells me how much they appreciate what I do. I remember being complemented on my acting in high school theater. I crave recognition for not only my hard work, but also for my natural talents. Perhaps part of my biggest concern is that, well perhaps, just maybe, I have no natural talent. Or maybe I only deceive people into believing that I do have talent (So silly really. How can you deceive someone into thinking that you have talent?). I have joked many times that my biggest talent is deception and manipulation. And actually, I inherited that ability from my father. But the older I get, and the more I care about people and honesty, the more that gift is dwindling. I no longer can get a stranger to believe something about me that is not true. In fact, the other night while out with friends, I did not lie even once. It feels good to just be Rachel; to be real with not only the rest of the world, but also with myself. I must have natural talent. Even if that talent is only breaking the entrapment placed on me by my ancestors; learning not to lie. I hope that my kids grow up knowing what is expected of them is #1 to be really themselves; to recognize their own talent and embrace that. Can I embrace that I write well? Ah,... that may take me a little while. But I do embrace that I can love well. And I am proud of the direction I am moving.

Fall Update.

2010-09-17T07:58:00.006-05:00

Wow, there is so much to write about! I may just start with an update of the family.

Colton & Calvin started 2nd grade in the Chinese Immersion program again. We are contemplating this being their last year. So far the adjustment back to school hasn't been too hard. Carrera has one more year at home with me before she starts kindergarten.

Carrera had her 4th birthday at the end of August and Colton & Calvin had their 8th birthday last week. They had a big party with friends.

All three kids started swimming lessons last Saturday. Calvin starts violin lessons this Satuday. Carrera started dance class last Monday. Shane and I are taking a yoga class starting in November and we are back to having regular date night on Tuesdays. I am taking 10 credits this semester, and am TAing for a class. We are busy.

My son is dead.

2010-08-16T08:15:00.007-05:00

Calvin has been begging all summer for me to bring him out into the woods behind Shane's mom's house. After hearing stories about my childhood summer days spent in the woods by our home, making forts and finding treasure, he has a fantasy of finding fossils and spending time with his mother out in the elements. So his day arrived. We all put on our jeans, hoodies and tennis shoes and all five of us headed towards the back pasture and the river with high hopes of treasure and fun. We approached the barbed wire debating who should go in first. The five horses quickly approached expecting treats. Colton snuck between the barbed wires first. A few seconds later he was flying through the air like a rag doll, and landed on the ground with a thud. I was frozen, so much so that I didn't even notice Shane leap over the fence to pick up Colton. All I remember after the thud was thinking "My son is dead" followed by Shane lifting him over the fence into my arms. He was sobbing. I never heard such a beautiful sound in my life. My son was sobbing, which meant one thing to me: "He is alive." Still in shock, I slowly carried him back up to the house. We laid him down on the couch and examined him. Sure enough, we could see two perfect mud hoof prints on the back of his shirt.

The next morning I examined Colton again... no bruises, no marks, except for on my heart.

New phase.

2010-08-10T10:14:00.002-05:00

I have been reading fiction. It feels like a love affair. I feel so good and relaxed. I feel that I haven't been giving Shane enough attention, but I am HERE and he is HERE and I feel we are, or at least I am, entering a new phase in life and in our relationship. I am happy, I am content, I am in love, I feel loved.

Summer class closure.

2010-08-10T10:11:00.002-05:00

Somehow I got two A's in my summer classes!! I am ecstatic. Honestly, I did half ass work and hoped it would be good enough. And I guess it was. In one class, barely! Ahhh, sigh. I think I am ready to tackle another semester.

Little bit of life... in my head.

2010-08-06T20:11:00.005-05:00

Wow, today was the day from 'hades'. Perhaps not so bad because I wasn't the one miserable, but everyone around me was. I've had sick or maybe sick or soon to be sick or just over being sick... kids all week long. It crescendoed into today. Crying, unhappy kids, all wanting to be held and catered to by ME. And my own puking son and now sick husband. I... want... to... cry? or scream? or sleep? or all of the above! I really want a long massage, and a good nights sleep, after a shower and maybe a glass of organic wine... if I have any on hand.

On a lighter note, my summer classes are OVER. One for sure 'A' and one still in limbo cause the prof is being a slow poke at getting grades back. I got impatient today and e-mailed him. I hate waiting to know my grade. So now I'm on break from classes until August 23rd. What will I do with myself? Well, I hope to clean every room in the house thoroughly, finish some landscaping projects and read a few books.

I joined a book club. A FABULOUS book club. A book club of women, like me, that get together once every two weeks, drink wine, and chat about books... and other stuff. This is THE group I've been looking for. I abhor mom groups and church groups... both full of women with facades instead of personalities, and that devour gossip instead of wine. Fuck the gossip, I'll take the wine any day.

Gossip. The thing about gossip is that if we were all open about ourselves and threw away the facades, there would be no need for gossip. I really don't care who talks about me behind my back, as long as its the truth. I have a daycare mom, Sara, who is REAL. And as raw and crass as she can be, I adore her for her transparency. I adore her because I can say anything, she takes nothing personally, and there are no secrets. Her life is an open book. Actually a very interesting one sometimes. And neither of us judge each other for our parenting choices, or 'styles' if you will. We march to the beat of our own drums and sometimes our beats are different, but that makes the music of life more interesting.

Perhaps Shane and I need to see life more like that. Perhaps I am the trombone and he is the harp... or he is the snare drum and I am a big bass. Or... well, you get the picture. Life would be boring without some variety to make the music more complex and more exciting to listen to. Hmm... that is a great analogy for how I see the universe. I like PEOPLE. I like to meet new people and 'SEE' them and figure out what their music sounds like. That is one reason I am excited about this new book club. It will give me the opportunity to hear some new 'music' and learn about people. And I think I may need some fiction (books) in my life as well.

Now for that shower...

Contemplating Classes.

2010-07-30T10:02:00.006-05:00

When I started classes at the local University back in May 2009 I formulated a four year plan for my undergraduate. Over time, I condensed that plan into three years and was hoping to graduate in May 2012. I am reevaluating that plan now. I really want to do daycare until September 2013 because all but one of my current daycare kids will be in elementary school by that time. I know that more kids will be added in the next few years, but there is something very special about the core kids I have now. Today I thought, I can take my time. Even if it takes five years to finish my undergraduate I don't have to push it and stress myself and everyone around me out. This summer was good, but having classes hanging over my head took away from the relaxation element that I really needed. As a result I dropped one class for the fall, and am tempted to even drop another. I need time and energy for Shane and for me.

Welcoming August.

2010-07-28T10:53:00.007-05:00

As August approaches, I have begun to tie up some loose ends. At this time of year I look at the last few months, what I have accomplished project-wise, and evaluate what I can realistically finish before the snow flies. I am a project-a-holic. This past summer I have completed a TON. Just yesterday I put a dead bolt on our bathroom to bedroom door so we can officially lock the kids out of our bedroom. I thought about listing for you all I've done this summer, but it may be embarrassing, so I'll just let you imagine. It feels good to have accomplished so much, and I really don't have much more I want to finish this summer. Which means I am ready for the snow... almost.

We brought the kids back-to-school shopping last weekend and they are all set. I've ordered my books for the fall and will be wrapping up my summer classes in the next few days. August should be relaxing, and I am ready for it.

I have really been learning to accept every day as it comes. There has been stress, but it is minimal to the joy I get from my life. I am so happy to be happy. I wonder if people that are happy all the time appreciate it or not. I appreciate being able to enjoy the little things. I appreciate loving kids. I appreciate loving people and our differences.

I hung out last night with my best friend. She recently moved into her own apartment, leaving her husband in the house they previously shared. We talked a little at the end of the night about morals... or values really. I choose to surround myself with people that value children and seeking truth. I choose to surround myself with people that are open minded and accepting of human variation. I choose to surround myself with people that value living life to its fullest extent and feeling emotion. I've had to let go of some friendships this past year, but I am welcoming some new ones as well.

So, here's a toast to August and soon we'll be welcoming Autumn and new seasons in life.

Colonoscopy... what defines marriage.

2010-07-22T10:38:00.006-05:00

I can't believe it has been over a month since I last blogged. So much has been going on. Summer is going by So fast. We had a week off in June and packed it full of fun and busy. We ran all over with the kids and helped Shane's mom with projects. We painted our bedroom and redecorated our bathroom. We had a garage sale and are still bringing loads to Goodwill.

Our July week off is this week. We planned nothing other than doctors appointments. On Monday I had my varicose veins mapped out for removal (three cheers!), and haircuts. Tuesday Shane and Carrera had dentist appointments and Carrera (still only 3 years old) went in all by herself and got her teeth cleaned! Then we brought the kids to the zoo. Today Shane had his first ever colonopscopy. He did wonderful. It had me thinking a lot about what it means to be "married".

I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of the word 'marriage'. As a child I always wanted to marry and have children, but I was also very religious and that came with the territory. As an adult I've often felt marriage was a ball and chain, and a cultural prerequisite for status proving achievement as a woman. Yuck! Marriage, I hate the idea of it. Now 'commitment' and 'partnership,' those are words I can relate to and feel good about. Today marriage took on a new feel. I brought Shane to get a medical procedure done. This isn't the first time. I brought him and stayed with him when he got his vasectomy too. These experiences really solidify the bond between us. What is marriage? Sitting in a small room in a surgical center supporting the man I love and knowing that I will be sitting by him just the same at age 40 and 50 and 60 and 70 and hopefully 80 and 90. I will be the one here for him. His constant companion. And I love that. So maybe I need to reevaluate 'marriage' cause I love being married to this man!

Fat Jeans.

2010-06-16T10:04:00.001-05:00

Well, there are my fat jeans, my skinny jeans and my super-skinny jeans. I did have my super-fat jeans, but I’ve been below 200lbs for over a year (I lost 40 lbs, and kept off 30!), so I passed them on for a new life with someone else. Today is the first day in months that I have had to dig under the super-skinny jeans and put on my just skinny jeans, which felt like fat jeans. In all honesty, they are still skinny jeans. Us girls and our weight. Fortunately along with the extra 10 lbs I have right now, my boobs came back! So I guess I can handle the love handles and skinny jeans. I’ve been fluctuating so much from stress. One day I’ll eat like crap trying to make myself feel happy, then the next day I can’t eat at all cause I have a lump in my throat, then life is good and I eat well. This is what marriage stress does to me. Yesterday I read the kids the book “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt”. Some parts of life are extremely hard, but “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. …We’ve got to go through it!” So, so long super-skinny jeans, I’ve got bigger problems, and I refuse to by sidestepped with worry about weight.

Dancing to life's tune.

2010-05-24T09:13:00.003-05:00

There are days when life is like one long orgasm. Days when that first sip of coffee feels like heaven as it goes down. Days when cuddling with the kids makes my heart leap so intensely that I feel it cannot be contained in my chest. Days when colors are brighter and nothing can take away my sun. Today is one of those days. And literally every pore on my body is tingling with joy. Life is amazing. Just being alive: watching the trees and grass turn green, observing in spider web outside the window, seeing life unfold one second at a time, dancing to the tune that life gives.

Pollen count is high!

2010-05-17T12:41:00.002-05:00

Wow, May has been crazy busy. My sister's wedding in Illinois, then another wedding this weekend and a comic book show. Next weekend I have a class reunion and the boys have a birthday party to go to. I like busy, but I am really looking forward to some time to just sit and enjoy the weather before classes start again in June. I'll admit though, I am eager to start again and get another semester done. I just got my grades today from last semester, all A's. My hard work paid off.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Shane took a new position at work. It includes a slight pay decrease, but the hours are great. Instead of some days and some evenings and lots of weekends, he'll be working Monday to Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. This does mean that he will not be able to sub for daycare, but he'll be able to avoid daycare and that stress, and the huge perk is that he will get more time with me and the kids (the main reason he took this job).

Different Mother.

2010-05-13T14:16:00.001-05:00

Colton and Calvin had a different mother than Carrera. And I feel terrible about it.

Birthday Highlights.

2010-05-13T09:54:00.004-05:00

Highlights from my 30th Birthday:

Asking Colton and Calvin who's birthday it was, to which they stared at me for 50 seconds before I said mine. They said "oh" and walked away, so my first "Happy Birthday" was a text from facebook, and the second was M's mama.

Coffee card from M's mama.

Large Drip coffee from G's mama.

My first ever Caribou caramel mocha from R's mama. Which I shared a sip with R.

When IJ gave me her beautifully wrapped present she helped me open it. After opening I asked her where we should hang it and she said "Downstairs" with firmness. Then squealed leaned forward and grunted out "Love it!" To which I agreed "Love it!" And we raced up the stairs (she won as always).

Watching IJ party with Barbies.

Building a train.

Beautiful pouring rain watering the earth, feeding the poor grass, trees, and plants.

Reading many of my favorite books to kids.

Seven of my most favorite little people in the world dancing with me at snack time. IJ being the first to stand up in her chair.

Family.

2010-05-12T14:51:00.002-05:00

I love having a break from school because of my kids. It isn't so much that school affects how I spend my time with my kids, but I feel like I am less distracted when I am spending time with them and I don't have homework on my brain. Today I just played. Just played and enjoyed watching the kids. I wasn't thinking: I need to finish this paper or read this chapter during nap time.

8 years.

2010-05-12T14:36:00.006-05:00

Today marks eight years of marriage for me and Shane. Eight wonderful and horrible years. I feel like we've finally made it over the "hump"... the seven year hump? I'm hoping it is more smooth sailing from here on out. We've got our rhythm down. We have the commitment. We both absolutely adore one another. We actively work on communication. All these elements keep our marriage on track... oh, and I can't forget to add: great sex (Any of you that really know me should have expected that!). So here's to 42 more years (at least) of marriage... and of great sex.

Weeds.

2010-05-12T13:59:00.002-05:00

Welcome Wednesday! No matter how down I am, I wake up happy the next morning(coffee helps with that).

My daughter is back to her old self (after having the pukies). She just screamed at me because I wouldn't let her wear her nice tennis shoes in the muddy back yard. She then proceeded to tell me that she hates pants and socks and shirts and most of all SHOES! I told her some day she can join a nudist colony, but for now she is under my roof and my rules. After stomping out back in her "back yard (canvas) shoes", she runs back with her hands full of weeds for me. I love being a mother. I love weeds! I remember picking them for my mother and grandmother. So now I must go... cause god knows those weeds need to be cut and put into a beautiful vase.

Just Down.

2010-05-11T20:27:00.003-05:00

I work so hard to be positive. I screen my intake. I don't hang out with people that are negative or that bring me down. I always look for the rainbow, the lemonade, the silver lining. I think it is really important to live life seeing the good instead of the bad. Sure I was sick all day but I got to really observe my daughter playing. The trip to my sister's wedding that I have been looking forward to for months is now over, but I have new things to look forward to. But other people, people I can't avoid, negative comments... I can't keep away from them entirely. So tonight, I am down.

Maybe I am...

2010-05-11T07:32:00.001-05:00

Maybe I am everything that other people say I am:
"What, you're not shy!"
"You are so good with kids."
"You are such a good mother."
"You are so gorgeous!"

Maybe I should listen and not contradict.
....maybe.

My Sister's Wedding.

2010-05-11T06:23:00.006-05:00

I absolutely LOVE this photo of my sister. It indicates how fun and spontaneous she is while not losing any of her drop-dead gorgeousness (and her husband Erik, in the shadows).

I spent the weekend in Illinois in the hometown of my sister's now husband to celebrate their wedding, which was on Saturday bright and early. The weekend was full of fun. All five of my siblings, all their spouses and all thirteen of our kids were there. In addition my aunt and uncle, cousin Andy, his wife and two kids also attended the small immediate family wedding. I feel like I have to pause to determine the most important moments of the weekend. It was wonderful to watch all the kids be together and get along and have fun, but I think the highlight was hearing the vows. They were beautiful. So here's to my beautiful fun-loving sister and her new "toy" - my new brother-in-law. They are going to have a blast together!

Pathetic.

2010-04-28T22:56:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here looking at piles of stuff from Target. I should put it all away. I should wash the dishes or do something, anything but sit here in my sorrow. I am going through the hardest time in my life, just a few weeks before my 30th birthday, which I will spend alone. I will be going to get a tattoo... by myself. Pathetic.

World.

2010-04-26T15:54:00.002-05:00

We live in a broken world; full of pain. Nothing ever stays the same. Nothing is as it seems. Everything deteriorates and falls apart.

Ups and downs.

2010-04-21T09:24:00.003-05:00

Shane and I are pretty normal (in some ways). We have our ups and downs just like every couple. Some of ours downs may have been extreme, but sometimes I wonder how well we know what is going on in other people's lives or relationships. Little hints here and there from casual friends and acquaintances make me wonder if everyone doesn't really have the same problems that Shane and I have. We are redefining "us." I don't think we have ever really been on the same page with what we expect "us" to be. We both grew up without very good examples from our parents of what healthy marriage looks like. It does frustrate me that culturally we have to give off an appearance of always having it all together. At least that is how I perceive it.

School and other items of interest.... (Uh)

2010-04-21T09:00:00.004-05:00

School Update:
The semester is winding down. My 100% on yesterday's test pretty much assures that I won't have to take the final for that class. Yeah! But I still have a paper due Friday, a test next Monday, paper due next Wednesday along with a group presentation, a paper due next Friday, and one final on Wednesday May 5th. I had hoped to finish two papers on Monday, but I haven't. I am ready for a few weeks off before summer classes start. I'm taking two online this summer, and four in the fall. I'm going to try to take the GRE in the fall, which means I want to study this summer. Right now I have all A's. I expect to keep two of those, but the third class is still up in the air. I may end up with an A-. I'll be happy to say good riddance that prof though!

So I'm done May 5th and May 6th we are leaving for Illinois for my sister's wedding. We are all going. It should be a fun little family vacation. Carrera has never been out of Minnesota.

Shane has been sick; pneumonia. I have a sinus infection and allergies. All the kids have runny noses. I love the warm weather. We have been outside every day, but I am ready for us to be un-sick.

We're having ring pops and enjoying the day. I love my job!

My WHOs.

2010-04-16T01:20:00.005-05:00

What really matters? What really matters RIGHT NOW? Not my driveway or my arms that I am currently insecure about or whether or not I will get up in the morning on time or how I feel about turning 30 or what grades I will get this semester. I am alive... that is pretty damn special in and of itself. I have people that love me and care about me in my life. I have ten kids that love me and depend on me to support them, at least part of the time. Why am I here on this earth? Is there a why? Do I even need to ask or to answer that one. I'm feeling that "hut" feeling. Every so often I get all "What is the meaning?" and think "Life would be better if I lived in a hut." Meaning, I wish that I wasn't boggled down with all the American materialism crap. Do I really care about WHAT I have? Isn't WHO I have more important. And I have my WHOs.

Black.

2010-04-16T01:17:00.003-05:00

I can't sleep cause I'm worried that my neighbors fucking sprinklers are going to fuck up my newly Jet Blacked driveway. Boy am I a shallow materialistic bitch. Now that is honesty for ya.

The Current.

2010-04-12T11:43:00.002-05:00

I stole this one from my BFF.

A Parable by Richard Bach:

"Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all--young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure." But they cried the more, "Savior!" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Savior."

Real life.

2010-04-08T11:10:00.002-05:00

I've been catching up on reading a few of my friends' blogs. People are getting married, having babies, losing loved ones. Real life stuff is happening, hidden behind the happy words. Real life is the friends I talk to who are on the cusp of divorce, or discontent with marriage. Real life is sick kids, worrying about finances, losing sleep. No body blogs about that.

Right now.

2010-04-06T13:34:00.002-05:00

Everyone has meltdowns. Just not always on the best of days. I lost it yesterday at my friend's wedding, and the tears continued all day into today.

My eyes are swollen.

I am ready to feel ok. I'm just not sure if I can MAKE myself feel that right now.

C's get degrees.

2010-03-14T19:25:00.002-05:00

I absolutely love using the phrase "C's get degrees," but have never used it really to apply to myself. I may use it jokingly when I turn in a paper, and then act all shocked when it comes back with an A. But really, I know I do a good job. I am an excellent paper writer and test taker, oh and speaker. Really, being in school is an ego boost for me. I may have a rough week fighting with my kids, or fighting with my husband, but I got that A. That easy A. Well, I found myself submitting a less than perfect paper about 30 seconds ago. Yup, I would probably give it a... B, but considering my professor is a devil in disguise, I will be able to say by tomorrow evening probably, to myself: "Well Rachel, C's get degrees."

I know I did a half ass job and my attitude stinks. I have been focusing more on hanging out with my own kids on spring break, and not on homework. I needed spring break, and this prof pulled a take home test/paper on us. It felt like a slap on the face. Tuesday of spring break we get e-mailed a test due Monday (tomorrow). I will never understand profs. So I threw together some crap, call it a paper, and perhaps, even if it is a B paper, my attitude deserves that C.

Another Monday.

2010-02-22T13:16:00.003-06:00

It's a Monday. The daycare kids always have a tough time on Mondays. They spend the weekends being coddled by their parents and following different rules, then Mondays it is back to my rules. By Tuesday they are all usually back in the groove.

I got our taxes done and I'm keeping up with homework. My greatest flaw is that I see any loss of points on homework as complete failure. I am getting all As right now although I'm barely pulling them. One slip up and I'll have a B. Perhaps I'll feel relief at that first B. Maybe I will be able to breathe again and realise that it isn't failure, just average. It's ok to be average. Right?

Well, today during nap time I finished up a few phone calls I've been putting on hold, and now I am going to study for a little while. I have three tests in a week and a half. I also have a paper due Friday. I'm not feeling the slight bit stressed though. I have adequate time to study and to finish the paper. Besides, my 'to do' list only consists of homework right now.

Shane is home sick today with a nasty cold. I'm fighting one too.

We had a great weekend. The whole house is clean and picked up. We had a playdate on Saturday and took the kids to see the new Percy Jackson movie on Sunday. Colton and Calvin have tutoring tonight.

Ta da! There is my boring, uneventful life in a nutshell.

Procrastination.

2010-02-11T20:45:00.005-06:00

Here I am, 8:45 p.m., sitting down in a quiet house to write a seven page paper (take-home test). I am determined that I WILL finish it tonight. Why? Because I have a test on Tuesday, another seven page take home test next Wednesday, and a research paper due a week from the Friday after that. In my world, I try to have homework that I know is coming up done at least a week in advance, so my personal deadline for that paper is also next Friday. Boy am I glad I chose to take only 9 credits this semester instead of 12!

I just got out of the shower. A half hour one because the kids and Shane are all in bed. Now I'm whitening my teeth and I may pause for a break to paint my nails. I also have some craft stuff to get ready for tomorrow's daycare valentine's party. Of course I left that to the last minute, although I've been collecting a stack of ideas. I plan to wear pink and red and glitter, of course!

Saturday is dedicated to finishing our taxes and Sunday I plan to drag the kids out to Shane's moms for a little valentine's day fun. Unfortunately Shane works all weekend. Just when I think I'm caught up with one thing, something else is on my plate. I don't really mind being busy or busy-stress. I hate worry-stress. Tonight I'm not worried, just procrastinating. I'm not quite sure what to write in this take home test. I got B's on my last two tests and honestly it crushed my ego. I feel incompetent.

Monday Morals (vs. Sunday Morals)

2010-02-01T07:42:00.004-06:00

Thinking about morals.

I am not a "church goer" and never will be again. I've met my fair share of people in churches with a lack of morals (esp. consistent morals).

Which leads me to consider the consistency of MY morals. I separated my morals from religion a few years ago and found that they became stronger. When my morals were based on a set of rules outside of myself they were easier to bend. Now that they are internal and based on what I REALLY believe is right they are concrete and consistent.

So what do we do when our morals conflict with other people's morals?
Like white-lies. A lot of people have no problem with white-lies. Do I? The hard thing about bending morals, like with white-lies, is the definition of a white-lie. When does a white-lie cease to be white. Is the omission of details or being polite a white-lie. When I tell my kids to say "no thanks" instead of "I hate fish! Yuck!" am I teaching them it is ok to lie?

I hate lies, even white-ones. If I could rewrite common courtesies there would be no lying involved.

So is it my job to push my morals onto others? If my daycare mom wants to tell her work that her kids are sick so she can stay home, am I supposed to care and judge HER morals? I don't think so. But then we are looking at another undefined line. If someone were abusing their child I would intervene, but not lying to their employer. Perhaps it depends on the moral.

Millie update.

2010-02-01T07:35:00.003-06:00

After doing lots of research and talking with Shane's sister, we decided we are not going to do surgery for Millie. We are wrapping the joint and will see how it heals over the next six weeks. The good news is that she does walk on it some, so that means that it isn't going to atrophy. If we can get it stronger it will help. Mary (Shane's sister) actually thinks Millie will be back to running around by this summer. We went out to Foley last night to have her show us how to wrap it.

Sick.

2010-02-01T07:18:00.004-06:00

I had sick daycare kids all last week. Many of their parents kept them home (bless them!). But despite best efforts, I caught something. I'm sure it wasn't because sick kids sneeze and cough in my face. So, on Wednesday night Shane told me to cancel daycare Thursday. I didn't. On Thursday night Shane told me to cancel for Friday. I am stubborn. I suffered through telling him "If I worked retail I'd call in sick, but 12 parents depend on me so that THEY can go to work." That is a lot of people!! Well, all weekend I felt like my ear drum was going to pop out, so when Shane walked in the door yesterday and said "You look sick. You're canceling tomorrow right." (stated as a command, not a question) I conceded. Last night we went to bed by 9 p.m. and Carrera woke me up at 10:30 p.m. because her ear hurts. Damn-it. So we put some peppermint essential oil behind it (My new trick thanks to my best friend Virginia) and after almost an hour awake she slept all night. Right now I'm getting the boys ready for school and then I hope Carrera and I will go back to bed.

Millie.

2010-01-27T10:28:00.002-06:00

Millie is our American Cocker Spaniel. Shane got her right before we started dating in 2001. She will be 9 years old in July. For the last six weeks she's been limping off and on. I finally brought her in yesterday, after an exam and x-ray we found out that she needs knee surgery. Choices. Of course we will do the surgery, but that doesn't keep us from thinking about other things we'd love to do with that money: buy a huge television, take the kids to Disneyland, get eye surgery,... I feel so pathetic even thinking about the financial cost. I know that having a pet is a commitment and that means taking care of them and being willing to dish out when they need it, but I am disappointed too.

Shingle Stress.

2010-01-27T10:18:00.007-06:00

From: Rachel Wxxxxxx
To: RPG Tech Services
I sent in some damaged shingles that were under warrantee and haven't heard anything from CertainTeed. How do I check on the status of that claim?
-Rachel Wxxxxxx

From: RPG Tech Services
To: Rachel Wxxxxxx
Please advise a file/claim number or your full name/address and phone number.
Thank you
RPG

From: Rachel Wxxxxx
To: RPG Tech Services
Shane and Rachel Wxxxxxx
XXXX Somewhere Ln.
Somewhere, MN XXXXX
(555) 555-5555

From: RPG Tech Services
To: Rachel Wxxxxxx
Claim # 555555
The claim is now in the Lab for analysis. The evaluation does take 5-7 weeks from the time it arrives at the CertainTeed office.
Thank you
RPG

From: Rachel Wxxxxxx
To: RPG Tech Servces
RPG,
Thank you for your reply. Just a little FYI, I mailed it the second week in August, it was confirmed received the third week in August. That was 22 weeks ago, which is a little more than 5-7 weeks.
-Rachel Wxxxxxx

Mini update.

2010-01-21T09:39:00.001-06:00

Carrera didn't ask for her pacifier at all yesterday or today!! Wow, that was way too easy. (Less than a day of crying)