Just a Wednesday night.

My professor pulled me aside tonight to tell me that I am an outstanding writer and that I really should do something with that gift. My immediate response was to inform her that my mother is a retired English teacher (as if that explains it all). I have this habit of downplaying my gifts. I am extremely embarrassed when I get compliments, but I also cherish them deeply. I remember every instance that my mother has said that I do an amazing job with my kids. I remember every time a daycare parent tells me how much they appreciate what I do. I remember being complemented on my acting in high school theater. I crave recognition for not only my hard work, but also for my natural talents. Perhaps part of my biggest concern is that, well perhaps, just maybe, I have no natural talent. Or maybe I only deceive people into believing that I do have talent (So silly really. How can you deceive someone into thinking that you have talent?). I have joked many times that my biggest talent is deception and manipulation. And actually, I inherited that ability from my father. But the older I get, and the more I care about people and honesty, the more that gift is dwindling. I no longer can get a stranger to believe something about me that is not true. In fact, the other night while out with friends, I did not lie even once. It feels good to just be Rachel; to be real with not only the rest of the world, but also with myself. I must have natural talent. Even if that talent is only breaking the entrapment placed on me by my ancestors; learning not to lie. I hope that my kids grow up knowing what is expected of them is #1 to be really themselves; to recognize their own talent and embrace that. Can I embrace that I write well? Ah,... that may take me a little while. But I do embrace that I can love well. And I am proud of the direction I am moving.