New Year.

After nine years Shane wants me to feel okay being myself in our relationship, and actually I have to be. I can no longer fake it. So, the hard part now is finding ME. I think that in the past I’ve always tried to form myself into whatever the people around me wanted me to be, especially the men around me. I formed who I was to fit what they were looking for in a woman… or at least what I thought they were looking for. It never served me well because I never had much luck with men until I met Shane. I think that is a huge fear for me right now. If Shane and I part ways, will I ever find someone that wants me? Especially now that I have three kids, stretch marks and I am 30. In a way, I know that this part of my journey is here to solidify that I am ok with just being me even if no one else is. Can I really be that? Can I really do this? Can I really be me in spite of the pressure to be something I am not? I am blunt and bullheaded. I can be a know-it-all, but I love to hear other opinions and learn new things. And my newest realization is that I am an extrovert. I am unhappy and stifled right now at this point in my life because I have no social outlet. I love one-on-one conversation, but the energy of a crowd is intoxicating. Perhaps I can find me and be me in this relationship. Perhaps he can be happy as well and we can make it work. I am uncertain. I have hope some moments and none in the next. But what I do know is that I can’t be stagnant any longer. It has been hard over the years to step out and do the things I want to do despite his obvious disapproval. I do love him. I love his opinions about politics and freedom. I love that he is so sexually free. Perhaps with him I have become way freer than I would have become without him. It is hard to separate one fraction of the journey and wonder what would happen without. I love the movie “Sliding Doors” because I really think that we take our choices too seriously. I could have left Shane five years ago when we were in a similar predicament, but I chose to stick it out, to honor my covenant with him. I was religious at that point. If I had walked away would I be in a different place now, or would I still be searching for permission from someone to be who I am? I guess I think that all roads lead to the same lessons, and perhaps to the same end. Do I think I will be with Shane ten years from now? Uncertain at this point. A year ago I would have said definitely. But not only do I want to be happy, but I really want him to be happy, and I am not helping him find happiness. As a matter of fact, I feel that I only bring him pain. He wants a relationship and a life that I am not willing to have. Will he make adjustments for me? Some. Will he be happy with those adjustments? I’m not sure. I think he hates that I blog about him, but I have an obsession with openness. Perhaps as a result of my messed up childhood (oh, I know, we all have messed up childhoods. Don’t worry, I am not going on a “poor me” rampage. I actually had it pretty good considering.). I’m an overly honest person. One of Shane and I’s problems for sure. If someone asks me if they look fat in a shirt and they do, hell if I’m gonna lie! I wouldn’t want them lyin’ to me! So, here I am. On a journey to self-discovery. Honestly, my 20s were all about self-discovery, but this now is about self-expression. It’s about not apologizing for who I am. It’s about moving forward confident that I am worthy of belonging on this earth just as I am. Letting go of that obsessive need for approval and saying take me or leave. This year will definitely be an interesting one.