The God Delusion

There are so few pictures of me with Colton and Calvin when they were babies, and so few of me and Carrera. Shane took this one tonight at my request. I'm a little shiny because I was painting in the toyroom all afternoon. And Carrera looks a little perturbed. Oh well.

So I've been reading this book The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Shane checked it out from work. It's been causing me to do a lot of thinking. In the past five or six years I have shifted from Christian to agnostic to pantheist to agnostic to Christian. I think that I may have said that I was an atheist about two or three times, but then sunk back into agnosticism or Christianity. Sometimes I just claim to be a spiritual person, whatever that means. The whole god thing has been a challenge and consumes my thoughts on a regular basis. I'm not sure if it is an intellectual battle or emotional. Probably a combination of the two. I really think that many Christians are mean hypocritical snobs* (Ouch! That comment may come back to haunt me). I'm not saying that I am by any means any better of a person. Any of you who know my dark side know that I am no angel. I just don't think that Christianity has any positive effect on most people's character. Intellectually Christianity and god are really improbable. I think prayer doesn't work and prophesy is a hoax (although I still pray quite frequently out of habit and/or hope). I have a stronger belief in astrology and palm reading than I do in prophesy (Shane will think that comment amusing because he makes fun of me and Gin for studying astrology), but I don't think anyone can foresee the future! Emotionally, I've been burned by many Christians. I am constantly asking myself if I doubt God because of intellectual reasons or the experiences I've had with religious people. I don't want to give up Christianity because it is my heritage, yet I'm sick of lying to myself and to others about what I truly believe. I am afraid of losing friends/family. It would be less of an offense to tell my family that I am homosexual (although I am not) than it would be to tell them that I don't believe in god. Note: I am not committing to unbelief, although even considering it may cause an uproar. ...More thoughts to come. I need to get to bed.

*I have met a few Christians that cause me to reconsider this comment. My friends Maggie, Michele, Neesha, Misty, and Clinton are a few. I trust that my family, even when hurtful, have good intentions.