Fucking Cry.

I got stood up again tonight. My bff, V, said, "Maybe the universe is telling you that you need to go home and be alone." So true, ...and so hard. Being alone. I am realising that, well, A) it is going to be awhile before I have another good fuck-which is crazy hard for me to come to grips with, but, B) I can't just surround myself with people and still work on finding me. So, I came home. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Way to go Rachel! Lets do this! Lets cry!

One of my faults, or I guess a better way to say it is, one of the things I've given up of myself is my ability to express emotion. I was that typical overly eccentric and emotional child. My dad liked to call me "free spirit" and if I had been left to grow in a healthy environment I would have been so artistic and expressive. But that was stifled. I learned very early on to Stuff. Those. Emotions. Down. and to do it quickly and deeply. So, here I am at age 30 trying to Dig. Down. Deep. and find that... child. Just so I can fucking cry.