Divorce Life.
I have found it to be crazy how many people I am meeting that have gone through a divorce or who are currently going through a divorce. It is also quite shocking to me how freely people are dishing out advise. Many people think that I am not coping because I am not grieving. People expect me to be unstable and emotional. I may be a little unstable and once in awhile I am emotional, but not because of the divorce per se.
One piece of advise was to "use your library card" and get some books on divorce. I took it to heart and checked out ten books. Three on helping kids and seven on coping. After skimming some of them, I realised most of it did not apply to me right now. I already am doing all the things that they suggest. I am building new friendships. I made some changes in my life and home that are healthy. I have already forgiven Shane, and I am working hard at creating a great co-parenting relationship with him and his girlfriend. I am not dating, and I am not sure when I will want to or be ready to.
I am reading When the Vow Breaks: a survival and recovery guide for Christians facing divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Some of it I have to skim because it doesn't apply to where I am at. BUT the author writes about how in divorce there is the initiator and the non-initiator unless it is mutual. Well, I have always claimed that my divorce was mutual. We had talked about it many times over the months before the decision and on January 11th we decided together that divorce was the best choice considering what we had been learning in counseling and what changes or compromises each of us were and were not willing to make. After this decision I began to work on figuring out the legalities of an uncontested divorce. A few days after the decision, Shane decided he DIDN'T want the divorce. So, from that point on, I became the initiator and he became the non-initiator. It was easy to identify the stages of grief he went through. It was painful to watch and at some points I had to be strong for him. I am glad that his family gathered around and supported him throughout the process. Me, on the other hand, I haven't had that experience as dramatically. I have felt lonely, and I have felt desperate for stability at a few points, but not the actual grieving stages. Leading to my point, Warren writes in his book that the initiator often goes through the grieving stages BEFORE seeking the divorce, while the non-initiator goes through the process later. A light went on in my head. I spent months before the decision to divorce crying, denying that this was really happening to my marriage, angry at Shane for putting me through this shit, feeling guilty that I brought it on myself and wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband love me, trying to compromise myself to be what he said he wanted, and finally accepting that Shane wasn't going to choose me.
So, I am going to quit trying to force grief, and I am moving on to better things. I have a future. Even if some days I can't see which way that future is. Today I am working on living in the present.
I have more to share. If feels good to write. I hope to start writing more again and sharing the crazy life experiences I have been having.
One piece of advise was to "use your library card" and get some books on divorce. I took it to heart and checked out ten books. Three on helping kids and seven on coping. After skimming some of them, I realised most of it did not apply to me right now. I already am doing all the things that they suggest. I am building new friendships. I made some changes in my life and home that are healthy. I have already forgiven Shane, and I am working hard at creating a great co-parenting relationship with him and his girlfriend. I am not dating, and I am not sure when I will want to or be ready to.
I am reading When the Vow Breaks: a survival and recovery guide for Christians facing divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Some of it I have to skim because it doesn't apply to where I am at. BUT the author writes about how in divorce there is the initiator and the non-initiator unless it is mutual. Well, I have always claimed that my divorce was mutual. We had talked about it many times over the months before the decision and on January 11th we decided together that divorce was the best choice considering what we had been learning in counseling and what changes or compromises each of us were and were not willing to make. After this decision I began to work on figuring out the legalities of an uncontested divorce. A few days after the decision, Shane decided he DIDN'T want the divorce. So, from that point on, I became the initiator and he became the non-initiator. It was easy to identify the stages of grief he went through. It was painful to watch and at some points I had to be strong for him. I am glad that his family gathered around and supported him throughout the process. Me, on the other hand, I haven't had that experience as dramatically. I have felt lonely, and I have felt desperate for stability at a few points, but not the actual grieving stages. Leading to my point, Warren writes in his book that the initiator often goes through the grieving stages BEFORE seeking the divorce, while the non-initiator goes through the process later. A light went on in my head. I spent months before the decision to divorce crying, denying that this was really happening to my marriage, angry at Shane for putting me through this shit, feeling guilty that I brought it on myself and wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband love me, trying to compromise myself to be what he said he wanted, and finally accepting that Shane wasn't going to choose me.
So, I am going to quit trying to force grief, and I am moving on to better things. I have a future. Even if some days I can't see which way that future is. Today I am working on living in the present.
I have more to share. If feels good to write. I hope to start writing more again and sharing the crazy life experiences I have been having.
posted by Rachel at 10:16 AM
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