Unwanted.

I will be 31 in less than a month, and I realize that I have spent my whole life feeling unwanted. 31 years of feeling unwanted. And I wonder what needs to change. I recently started a relationship with, seriously, one of the most amazing men I have ever met, if not THE most amazing. And almost everyone in my life is ecstatic; happy for me. He is nothing like I have ever experienced in a partner. And I am trying at the same time as embarking on this new experience, to shed as many preconceived notions, or as he and I like to call it, the "carry over," as possible. One major carry over I have is worrying that I am not loved, not appreciated, not seen, and more that all of those, not wanted.

I have learned in my early childhood classes about how the brain develops. The connections that are formed in early childhood and that are used the most become strong, while the rest become weeded off over time. My brain constantly is trying to protect my heart and questions whether I am wanted or valued. Is that connect too ingrained in my head? Will I ever stop doubting that I am loved, appreciated, seen and wanted?

I am trying so hard to see the dynamics of this relationship from a different perspective than I have in the past. From the perspective of a child without preconceived ideas of what it means to be valued and appreciated.

It is not that I am insecure. In fact I really have healthy self-esteem and I am confident in my ability to be a fantastic life partner. I am beautiful, healthy, sexy, smart, funny and fun. But do others see that? Am I seen? Do others value that? Am I valued? Do other appreciate that? Am I appreciated? I am not the only person on this planet. And I value relationship (friendship and romantic). I like me, but is there another person out there that wants me?