New beginning (a.k.a. Life 2.0)

So many people have told me in the last five months that divorce is hard, that I need to grieve and cry, that healing takes time. I really thought they all just didn't get it. My marriage SUCKED (at least a large chunk of it did-maybe not all of it), and I was happy to be free of the negative and controlling environment. The first few days without him there I felt so free. It was great. Well, I was wrong. My circumstances are not making it easier now that the divorcing part is over. I do miss companionship. I do miss being a wife. It think I really got a lot of my identity from being a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, all I ever wanted to be growing up (besides an artist, teacher, or stripper) was a mother and wife. I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted between six and twelve kids. I wanted to live in the country, stay home, have a garden, be a PTA member and Sunday school teacher. Anyone that knows me now might guffaw at that. The artist and stripper might fit me better. But, no, I don't think so. I love being a mother. I love pouring out myself into making a safe space for not only my kids, but other kids, neighbor kids, friends and their kids and really anyone to come to. I value that. I value having an open and safe space for people to come to and be real.

I have been considering my gifts. I enjoy writing and sometimes I think I may have some talent there. I connect well with just about anyone. People confess things to me that they have never told anyone before. I have a large handful of people that call me their best friend. And two handfuls of friends that would call me one of their closest friends. I do hear all the time that my home is a great safe and comfortable space. So, I would say that creating a home and welcoming environment is my gift. I am very talented at cleaning and organizing. AND I enjoy that. I am GREAT with kids. I can be very consistent and I have a firmness that kids respect and appreciate, yet a softness that makes it easy to climb into my arms and rest. I have never met a kid that doesn't adore me after a few hours. I really hope that all of my daycare kids feel free to come and find rest at my home for years after they leave my care. I am very patient, I rarely over-react, and I love teenagers just about as much as I love preschoolers. I like the learning stages of the 3-5 year old and the emergence of adulthood in the early teen years. I like to be a part of that growth.

So, what does the future hold for me? My intentions are to someday marry again. But right now all I can be is a mother (and that is a wonderful huge responsibility!). I am planning to finish my degree and Masters in Social Work or Marriage & Family Therapy. I would love to work with teens. I recently started going to church again, and I want to get involved and find friends and community to take the place of that missing companionship piece. I will keep doing daycare for as long as it serves my needs. I have no problem doing it for 5-10 more years, but as my kids enter the teen years I am sure I will want to find something else to do. So I hope by that time I will be able to move on to a career with teens and counseling. And if God puts a companion in that mix someday, I will embrace that. If not, I know that I can be satisfied with being a mother and a friend.

As to the grieving. I am. I have been slightly depressed the last week. Screaming out to God. And crying. I have been embracing my emotional side and working through life's disappointments. So, I am welcoming this part of my journey, Life 2.0, yet still letting go of the past.