Today.

I hear on a regular basis how lucky I am to be able to be at home with my kids. I think that most people don't think very hard about what life as a child care provider is like. This morning I wanted to swear at the world. This is what I wrote:

Today I want to quit doing child care.
Today I want my home to be MY HOME.
Today I want my daughter's room to be full of her toys, not pack 'n plays.
Today I want my couches and floors to be pee stained from my own kids, and the crumbs sticking to my feet to be from their toast.
Today I don't want to wipe boogers or change the poopy diapers of anyone by my daughter.
Today I want 15 minutes to hold my daughter without being interrupted by a crying baby.
Today I want to sit with my boys when they get home from school and hear all about their day, and not be so busy changing diapers and getting kids ready to go home to be with their parents.

I really don't get the time with my kids that I would like to have. Yes, I get to see their first step, hear their first word and be there for all the firsts. But I do not get to give them the attention that I would like to. Carrera would probably get just as much quality time, if not more, if I didn't do daycare. If I didn't do daycare I could spend my evenings playing and reading and having quality time with my kids instead of cleaning up after a long day, getting paperwork and meal counts done, stressing about getting training done and meeting standards of other parents whose kids I love. And that is just it. Right now, as much as I get frustrated with the stress level of my job and the fact that I can't be as involved of a mom as I'd like to be, I still really LOVE all the kids I watch, and want to see them grow and succeed. Just some days I want to focus on mine.