Abomination.
I've been reading the blog of one of my daycare moms. I love reading about their experiences throughout the last year because I remember a lot of those days. I also get a little sad. I have a few friends who have blogged about their pregnancies and first child. Friends that are SO excited to have that baby. I wouldn't say that I wasn't excited to have Colton and Calvin, but, well, it wasn't the way I had imagined it would be.
I'm not sure that I'd even want to write about all the events that happened at that time. Shane and I were dating. Actually Shane and I were engaged. I really didn't know that I could get pregnant that easily. My parents never talked about sex. I found out what intercourse was when I was 16 from my friend Hillary. My parents only liked one guy that I had ever dated. They had kicked me out and I was living with Shane, living in sin, basically excommunicated from my church and therefore my friends and social life. My poor babies. All the stress. I didn't have health insurance.
"Having a child out of wedlock is an abomination."
Not sure who said that or where I heard it, but it sticks in my head. It seems to summarize to my first experience with pregnancy.
Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. I love my husband and my twin boys are amazing! I just wish that I had been more excited to have them, more prepared, more ready. I made a lot of mistakes with them. Mistakes that I will not make with Carrera. I hope that they can forgive me for all the times that I wished I wasn't a mother. I hope that they know that even though I wasn't really excited, I still am very in love with them. I am excited NOW to be their mother. I am prepared NOW. I have taken the time to read about parenting since having Carrera. I have built my own philosophies, and cherish the little things that they do, even the hard things. As much as I hate Carrera's tantrums, I cherish them. I could not have said the same for Colton & Calvin's tantrums. I wanted to plug my ears, shut my eyes, and make it all disappear. I say that I have no regrets in my life, but I do wish I could go back and enjoy Colton & Calvin at age 1 and 2 and 3 and 4... But, I enjoyed them at age 5 and now at age 6. Motherhood may have chosen me, but now I have chosen to be a mother.
I'm not sure that I'd even want to write about all the events that happened at that time. Shane and I were dating. Actually Shane and I were engaged. I really didn't know that I could get pregnant that easily. My parents never talked about sex. I found out what intercourse was when I was 16 from my friend Hillary. My parents only liked one guy that I had ever dated. They had kicked me out and I was living with Shane, living in sin, basically excommunicated from my church and therefore my friends and social life. My poor babies. All the stress. I didn't have health insurance.
"Having a child out of wedlock is an abomination."
Not sure who said that or where I heard it, but it sticks in my head. It seems to summarize to my first experience with pregnancy.
Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. I love my husband and my twin boys are amazing! I just wish that I had been more excited to have them, more prepared, more ready. I made a lot of mistakes with them. Mistakes that I will not make with Carrera. I hope that they can forgive me for all the times that I wished I wasn't a mother. I hope that they know that even though I wasn't really excited, I still am very in love with them. I am excited NOW to be their mother. I am prepared NOW. I have taken the time to read about parenting since having Carrera. I have built my own philosophies, and cherish the little things that they do, even the hard things. As much as I hate Carrera's tantrums, I cherish them. I could not have said the same for Colton & Calvin's tantrums. I wanted to plug my ears, shut my eyes, and make it all disappear. I say that I have no regrets in my life, but I do wish I could go back and enjoy Colton & Calvin at age 1 and 2 and 3 and 4... But, I enjoyed them at age 5 and now at age 6. Motherhood may have chosen me, but now I have chosen to be a mother.
posted by Rachel at 11:36 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home