Hiatus. (a.k.a. Lack of sleep and too much coffee)

My best friend is on hiatus. At least that is what her Facebook status says. I'm really not sure what it means. All I know is what I see (or don't see, which is her) and what I feel. I'm not going to tell you exactly what I feel on here, but it varies from understanding to hurt and back again. I will tell you that having a break from someone that I feel is so interconnected with who I am has been really nourishing. Unexpected, I KNOW! A break... just that word has so much meaning right now. BREAK. I have been in the process of breaking free from others expectations of me, breaking free from myself. There is something I need that I don't have: discipline. To be more specific, SELF discipline. Maybe this hiatus is a good thing. When I want to call her, I just don't. I'm giving her the space she needs or thinks she needs. So that means that I am getting a little space too. A little space that I didn't ask for, but is helping me find who I am now and what I want now. I want the self control to not eat all day long. I want the self control to walk away from Facebook and read to my kids (ouch). I want the self control not to lose my temper at 7:30 p.m. when my buttons have been pushed all day and all I want is a long massage and an orgasm, but my daughter is refusing to go to bed. (My cup o' coffee just ran dry. Drat!) I want to be able to walk away from a pile of dirty dishes, forget about making the bed, and just BE for awhile. I want to be quiet, be in the quiet, hear the quiet. I want to wander with no destination. Does that sound like a vacation (or a hiatus)? But this peace has to be possible here and now. I know that the answer comes in mindfulness, in the choices I make every second of every day. I may have been a little moody tonight, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same. My cup runneth over. I don't have to be spent at the end of the day, do I? I've always been fairly easily swayed by my emotions and by others emotions. This makes a perfect bed for drama to be planted and flourish, and indecisiveness. I hate drama! What I need is a planting of myself, a solidifying (ooh, that word again). Everything is a choice. Make a choice. Stick to the choice. What is my priority? Our priorities are what we spend our time doing. What do I spend my spare time doing? (I will not answer that for you all to ridicule me) I don't spend my time doing what I really want to do. Perhaps that is my question on this hiatus: Am I really living my priorities? (I should have titled this post 'Lack of sleep and too much coffee') I must go to bed.