Update.

Still not divorced... learning to wait.

Unwanted.

I will be 31 in less than a month, and I realize that I have spent my whole life feeling unwanted. 31 years of feeling unwanted. And I wonder what needs to change. I recently started a relationship with, seriously, one of the most amazing men I have ever met, if not THE most amazing. And almost everyone in my life is ecstatic; happy for me. He is nothing like I have ever experienced in a partner. And I am trying at the same time as embarking on this new experience, to shed as many preconceived notions, or as he and I like to call it, the "carry over," as possible. One major carry over I have is worrying that I am not loved, not appreciated, not seen, and more that all of those, not wanted.

I have learned in my early childhood classes about how the brain develops. The connections that are formed in early childhood and that are used the most become strong, while the rest become weeded off over time. My brain constantly is trying to protect my heart and questions whether I am wanted or valued. Is that connect too ingrained in my head? Will I ever stop doubting that I am loved, appreciated, seen and wanted?

I am trying so hard to see the dynamics of this relationship from a different perspective than I have in the past. From the perspective of a child without preconceived ideas of what it means to be valued and appreciated.

It is not that I am insecure. In fact I really have healthy self-esteem and I am confident in my ability to be a fantastic life partner. I am beautiful, healthy, sexy, smart, funny and fun. But do others see that? Am I seen? Do others value that? Am I valued? Do other appreciate that? Am I appreciated? I am not the only person on this planet. And I value relationship (friendship and romantic). I like me, but is there another person out there that wants me?

One-Minute Writer

Today's Writing Prompt: Change
Write about one way you haven't changed since you were 13 years old.

I am 30 now, soon to be 31, and I still believe that people are basically good despite my experience of evidence to the contrary. I think that people make choices based on their life experience, upbringing and culture. And they must really believe that the decisions they make are the best decisions for themselves based on their values.
I still value community and individuals and freedom. I still value love and kindness. I still like to dance, all day, every day.

Another Wednesday.

I guess we can't exist without emotion. I am not by nature, or at least at my age now, very emotional. I feel like I do feel passion and disgust. I guess maybe a better way to explain it is that I don't SHOW emotion. I feel so many things right now. I don't know what to do with the emotion bombarding me.