Wednesday Night.

I really wanted to go sing karaoke tonight. I mean REALLY wanted to. I find myself at home, singing to Pandora. And it doesn't quite hit the spot, but I do love the freedom that I have in my empty house. Just me and my demons... and Millie, the cocker spaniel... who is losing her hearing.

I want love. I am singing Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You." I know that Hollywood love isn't real. I have felt sparks from a kiss, but it wasn't from someone that is a good fit for me.

Now its Sugarland "Sex on Fire (Live)." Music stirs everything in me. Music, people, realness.

I went to a church get-together tonight and met some good people. Some I didn't connect with, although I was friendly. Others I connected with well. It felt exhilarating to be with people. I LOVE people. That is my passion. Connection! Connecting with every human that I encounter on my journey on this Earth.

I can't wait until my home is really an open door where people feel they can come in and grab food out of the fridge, and dirty a glass for water. I want to fill my house with people coming and going and communing with one another. I crave it. I crave music and people.

This aloneness... I can appreciate it. I really can. But not forever. Love is more than just an exclusive one person thing. It is community.

Journey "Don't Stop Believin'"...music is love. At the end of the day I have such a hard time turning it off to sleep.

Darius Rucker "Come Back Song"...uh! I LLLLUUUUUVVVV his voice! Its yummy.

I don't need romance. I need music. And community. Now... I'm off to dance. Goodnight Wednesday...

Present.

I wonder often if other people like their lives, their jobs, their kids, their homes. I love my life, my job, my kids and my home. I love my family, my friends, my church, my lifestyle, my patio table that I am sitting at, the two year old asleep on my lap, the sound of all the kids playing, the shade from the umbrella, the breeze, my mug of coffee.
Present moment. I love living in this moment, unattached to future, setting free the past. I choose to not let the past keep me tied up. I choose to let the future be elusive in my mind. ...ok, that part is harder. Honestly, it is hard to be unattached to future. It is hard to say to myself that I can BE HERE NOW, and not think too much about what I will be doing a year or two from now. But I really can't know where I will be a year or two from now. What a great time in life to learn about being present in the moment. This is all I am certain of, all I have is NOW.

Divorce Life.

I have found it to be crazy how many people I am meeting that have gone through a divorce or who are currently going through a divorce. It is also quite shocking to me how freely people are dishing out advise. Many people think that I am not coping because I am not grieving. People expect me to be unstable and emotional. I may be a little unstable and once in awhile I am emotional, but not because of the divorce per se.
One piece of advise was to "use your library card" and get some books on divorce. I took it to heart and checked out ten books. Three on helping kids and seven on coping. After skimming some of them, I realised most of it did not apply to me right now. I already am doing all the things that they suggest. I am building new friendships. I made some changes in my life and home that are healthy. I have already forgiven Shane, and I am working hard at creating a great co-parenting relationship with him and his girlfriend. I am not dating, and I am not sure when I will want to or be ready to.
I am reading When the Vow Breaks: a survival and recovery guide for Christians facing divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Some of it I have to skim because it doesn't apply to where I am at. BUT the author writes about how in divorce there is the initiator and the non-initiator unless it is mutual. Well, I have always claimed that my divorce was mutual. We had talked about it many times over the months before the decision and on January 11th we decided together that divorce was the best choice considering what we had been learning in counseling and what changes or compromises each of us were and were not willing to make. After this decision I began to work on figuring out the legalities of an uncontested divorce. A few days after the decision, Shane decided he DIDN'T want the divorce. So, from that point on, I became the initiator and he became the non-initiator. It was easy to identify the stages of grief he went through. It was painful to watch and at some points I had to be strong for him. I am glad that his family gathered around and supported him throughout the process. Me, on the other hand, I haven't had that experience as dramatically. I have felt lonely, and I have felt desperate for stability at a few points, but not the actual grieving stages. Leading to my point, Warren writes in his book that the initiator often goes through the grieving stages BEFORE seeking the divorce, while the non-initiator goes through the process later. A light went on in my head. I spent months before the decision to divorce crying, denying that this was really happening to my marriage, angry at Shane for putting me through this shit, feeling guilty that I brought it on myself and wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband love me, trying to compromise myself to be what he said he wanted, and finally accepting that Shane wasn't going to choose me.
So, I am going to quit trying to force grief, and I am moving on to better things. I have a future. Even if some days I can't see which way that future is. Today I am working on living in the present.

I have more to share. If feels good to write. I hope to start writing more again and sharing the crazy life experiences I have been having.

New beginning (a.k.a. Life 2.0)

So many people have told me in the last five months that divorce is hard, that I need to grieve and cry, that healing takes time. I really thought they all just didn't get it. My marriage SUCKED (at least a large chunk of it did-maybe not all of it), and I was happy to be free of the negative and controlling environment. The first few days without him there I felt so free. It was great. Well, I was wrong. My circumstances are not making it easier now that the divorcing part is over. I do miss companionship. I do miss being a wife. It think I really got a lot of my identity from being a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, all I ever wanted to be growing up (besides an artist, teacher, or stripper) was a mother and wife. I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted between six and twelve kids. I wanted to live in the country, stay home, have a garden, be a PTA member and Sunday school teacher. Anyone that knows me now might guffaw at that. The artist and stripper might fit me better. But, no, I don't think so. I love being a mother. I love pouring out myself into making a safe space for not only my kids, but other kids, neighbor kids, friends and their kids and really anyone to come to. I value that. I value having an open and safe space for people to come to and be real.

I have been considering my gifts. I enjoy writing and sometimes I think I may have some talent there. I connect well with just about anyone. People confess things to me that they have never told anyone before. I have a large handful of people that call me their best friend. And two handfuls of friends that would call me one of their closest friends. I do hear all the time that my home is a great safe and comfortable space. So, I would say that creating a home and welcoming environment is my gift. I am very talented at cleaning and organizing. AND I enjoy that. I am GREAT with kids. I can be very consistent and I have a firmness that kids respect and appreciate, yet a softness that makes it easy to climb into my arms and rest. I have never met a kid that doesn't adore me after a few hours. I really hope that all of my daycare kids feel free to come and find rest at my home for years after they leave my care. I am very patient, I rarely over-react, and I love teenagers just about as much as I love preschoolers. I like the learning stages of the 3-5 year old and the emergence of adulthood in the early teen years. I like to be a part of that growth.

So, what does the future hold for me? My intentions are to someday marry again. But right now all I can be is a mother (and that is a wonderful huge responsibility!). I am planning to finish my degree and Masters in Social Work or Marriage & Family Therapy. I would love to work with teens. I recently started going to church again, and I want to get involved and find friends and community to take the place of that missing companionship piece. I will keep doing daycare for as long as it serves my needs. I have no problem doing it for 5-10 more years, but as my kids enter the teen years I am sure I will want to find something else to do. So I hope by that time I will be able to move on to a career with teens and counseling. And if God puts a companion in that mix someday, I will embrace that. If not, I know that I can be satisfied with being a mother and a friend.

As to the grieving. I am. I have been slightly depressed the last week. Screaming out to God. And crying. I have been embracing my emotional side and working through life's disappointments. So, I am welcoming this part of my journey, Life 2.0, yet still letting go of the past.

Partner (List no.2)

I want a partner that....
- is spiritual.
- can commit.
- communicates well.
- can confront issues.
- is good with money (frugal).
- appreciates me and all the energy and hard work I put into life and relationships.
- smells good (absolute MUST).
- encourages me to use my gifts.
- SEES me and who I am.

Final.

I woke up thinking, this is going to be an "inside" day, but it turned out pretty nice. I noticed my neighbors' lawn is mowed, so I will have to get mine done tomorrow. And at some point I need someone to show me how to work my weedwacker.

Shane and I signed papers on Wednesday. Within ten days I should get notice that our divorce is official. And I really have nothing more to say about that.