Depths.

So much on my mind.

I am laying here in an empty house, feeling not so tough. I have worked and worked for this life I have. I have labored to make a home that is safe, full of love, beautiful, put together. And here I am alone. What is a home without family?

There is so much to think about. Am I enough? Can I make it through this? I have only felt weak a handful of times since Shane left. And tonight I feel weak. I do want someone to lean on. I want to feel there is someone I can trust to help me right now. And yet, I want to prove that I was and still am that confident put together woman.

Where do I go when I am weak? I curl up inside and shut the doors. I don't want to do that anymore. Where is there a place I can lose it?

I want to scream at God.

Moving forward.

Today I am meeting with my therapist... for the last time. We are closing the file.

It seems crazy really. Three years of therapy added up to walking away from my marriage, only to find that all those remaining anxieties and fears and failures and feelings of inadequacy just melted off. I am happy. I feel fulfilled. I feel true to myself. I feel amazing really. Today is the day.

My best friend came over last night after we had coffee at our secret hideout. I laugh. After nine years of being unhappy and unfulfilled, I am learning again to laugh. The universe is filling my life with people that help me laugh. Everywhere I look I see joy. I can appreciate the little things. And I love life.

Three years of therapy, and the answer is to walk away. The answer was to admit failure. Perhaps it takes two to fail in a marriage. But I am becoming okay with the idea that I may have failed. I did my best. I pulled on every resource I could. I read books, talked with friends, met with a therapist weekly. And now, I am letting nine years pass behind me, stepping off the beaten trail, and making a new path.

I am not perfect. I see my flaws. I see challenges as I move forward. I still have work to do. I need to let go of unhealthy expectations of others, life, and most importantly, of myself. I am ready for those new challenges. I am excited for moving forward.