Layers

Layers. Layers upon layers upon layers. How are we made? From the inside out, layer upon layer? Like an onion (Shrek)? I feel that the more layers that are pulled off of me, the more people don't like me. Or maybe I just think that they don't like me. I am so worried that I will offend someone, yet I want to be able to speak what I really feel. I use humor too often to hide. I also don't say what I mean. I say things to get a reaction and when I don't get the reaction that I expect then I clam up or feel horribly stupid. Layers. Layers upon layers upon layers. I don't want to lose friends. I hold on so tightly, but I never let anyone know how tightly I hold on. I feel like the layers are being striped off even if I don't want them to be. Its like an open wound. I want to cling to something, but what to? I reach out to hold on to something, but nothing is there. It is just me in empty space. And layers upon layers upon layers are being striped away.

Never challenge the gate!

Carrera has started to giggle. The first time she giggled was on the 11th after we got home from a wedding. She sat on the couch in her beautiful dress and just giggled and giggled. Shane has the magic touch. He can get her laughing a lot. I am a little jealous. I am still the boob.

Funny story: After I put Colton and Calvin to bed I was heading into Carrera's room to change her diaper. We keep a gate up by her door because Millie (our dog) is not allowed in her bedroom (for MANY reasons!). So I always step over the gate rather than move it. Well, I underestimated the height of the gate and my shin went straight into the gate. I knew that if I fell I would drop Carrera, so I fought the gate with all my might trying not to fly over it. Well, we tied. The gate cracked and I didn't fall, but I am going to have a nice bruise on my shin. Maybe that wasn't so funny, but it reminded me of another similar story. My sisters and I try to go on a sister weekend about once a year. Two summers ago we just went overnight to Minneapolis. My sister Sara and I drove together to Mary's to meet up with Deb and Mary. I had worked all night the night before and then took care of my kids all day. I was all ready to go when she came to pick me up, but I had to get something from downstairs. At the bottom of our stairs is a gate, also to keep Millie from going downstairs (she is not allowed in the downstairs for MANY reasons). Well, with the lack of sleep my mind told me that I could hurdle the gate... in my stilettos. If you can picture it in your mind it was quite a sight. My sister was standing at the top of the stairs. I took a running start down the stairs and tried (I am crying right now because I am laughing so hard remembering it) and tried to make it over the gate. This gate had a little more give than the gate to Carrera's room and it fell straight forward with me on top of it. So here I am laying on the floor on top of the gate in my short skirt and stiletto heels wondering what the hell just happened. Sara was wondering the same thing. We laughed VERY hard!!

Tonight Carrera and I went out for coffee while Colton and Calvin hung out at Grandma "LEGOs" (my mom). (Side note: Colton told me that we need to buy Grandma's house because he likes it). It was nice to get a little break from the kids. They didn't listen very well today. Anyway, at coffee I started to think about one's CENTER. Its been a long time since I've thought about my center, and I'm not exactly sure why. (Perhaps because I am so busy). In massage school they talked a ton about being centered/centering oneself. I'm not sure what that means exactly. What is our center and is it really all that important to know our center/find our center? Any thoughts?

Day #2

Day #2: I LOVE doing daycare. Today was wonderful. I had two kids in addition to my own. An 11 month old and a three year old. The three year old arrives at 5:30 a.m.! Yes, you read that right. Me, the night owl, has to get up at 5:00 a.m. four days (sometimes five) every week! I actually enjoyed my morning this morning. She goes back to sleep and I have some coffee and get tons of stuff done! Side note: I think that I am going to shower in the evening now.

My thoughts have been so focused on my kids and daycare that I feel I haven't had time to think about some of the other pertinent things, like god. I hope that this weekend I can get out for coffee and really gather my thoughts. I can find tons of reasons NOT to believe, but something holds on to me. I think it is the unexplainable things that happen to me. Those little miracles that happen every day. Even the way that I make it through the days. I love my life. Life just happened and I feel that I didn't make the decision for it to be what it is. I wouldn't have planned to get pregnant when I was 21. I wouldn't have planned to be doing daycare. I didn't plan on having Carrera Jade. But it has all turned out wonderfully. I really couldn't have planned it any better. I have the most fabulous husband ...who just walked in the door. I am going to go hang out with him before bedtime. Goodnight!

Three Kids

I have three kids starting daycare in the next two weeks. That is the maximum number of kids that I can have under school age! Three cheers! I really feel relieved, and excited!!

A Psalm of Life

A Psalm of Life
What the Heart of the Young Man Said to the Psalmist
By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

Fire-Truck

So, I am in business! I have two children lined up for daycare and I was working today on meal planning. I'm going to have to learn how to cook.

I don't think that I have ever been happier. I feel like everything is falling into place in my life right now. I LOVE being a mother and being able to be at home with my kids. We have been playing "fire-truck" the last couple of days because they got some emergency vehicle toys from Grandma Caryl, including police cars, helicopters, ambulances and fire-trucks. We also sat down and talked about fire and what we do if there is a fire and where we are supposed to meet outside. We read a goldenbook about firemen, and they have been drawing firemen and fire-trucks all morning.

Carrera hung out in her exersaucer yesterday for the first time. She watched Colton, Calvin and I play with their emergency vehicles. She is getting prettier and prettier. It is so much fun having a girl. I am already planning all the fun things that we are going to do together when she gets a little older.

Well, I haven't had the chance to read at all this week. I have been focusing on business and the kids. Oh, and the elections. Three cheers for the Democrats!! In our area the Republicans won many of the races. Sometimes I feel like my vote isn't counted because the Republicans win so much around here. My hope is that someday people will see the light :)! Until then, I will keep voting Democrat. It is reassuring to see Democrats winning in other parts of our state and nation. Way to go to everyone that voted (no matter who you voted for)!

VOTE!

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!
(Unless you are going to vote Republican)

One Child

Yesterday I was on a high and today I am stressed. I have one child lined up to start daycare at the end of November and possibly one at the end of December. Financially we really need to have kids NOW, but life takes its own time. I will feel less stressed once I have a running daycare.

On a better note, I really feel like I have been keeping up with everything around the house. I even painted the toyroom this past weekend. That is something that I have been wanting to do for a LONG time. My house is pretty organized and I think I am a better mom when I don't feel like I am behind on everything. I am hoping that tonight I can list some stuff on eBay because Shane works until 11:30 p.m. Colton and Calvin go to bed at 8:00 p.m., so if Carrera is mellow or sleeping I should have a nice chunk of me time. Maybe I'll even get the chance to take a bath!

I haven't had much thinking time in the last two days. I did get to go vote today though. We have made it a family tradition to all go vote together as a family. It can be a pain to pack up the kids, but we want them to get in the habit young. I want to raise good voters (I just laughed outloud at myself).

My kids are screaming upstairs. I need to check up on them.

The God Delusion

There are so few pictures of me with Colton and Calvin when they were babies, and so few of me and Carrera. Shane took this one tonight at my request. I'm a little shiny because I was painting in the toyroom all afternoon. And Carrera looks a little perturbed. Oh well.

So I've been reading this book The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Shane checked it out from work. It's been causing me to do a lot of thinking. In the past five or six years I have shifted from Christian to agnostic to pantheist to agnostic to Christian. I think that I may have said that I was an atheist about two or three times, but then sunk back into agnosticism or Christianity. Sometimes I just claim to be a spiritual person, whatever that means. The whole god thing has been a challenge and consumes my thoughts on a regular basis. I'm not sure if it is an intellectual battle or emotional. Probably a combination of the two. I really think that many Christians are mean hypocritical snobs* (Ouch! That comment may come back to haunt me). I'm not saying that I am by any means any better of a person. Any of you who know my dark side know that I am no angel. I just don't think that Christianity has any positive effect on most people's character. Intellectually Christianity and god are really improbable. I think prayer doesn't work and prophesy is a hoax (although I still pray quite frequently out of habit and/or hope). I have a stronger belief in astrology and palm reading than I do in prophesy (Shane will think that comment amusing because he makes fun of me and Gin for studying astrology), but I don't think anyone can foresee the future! Emotionally, I've been burned by many Christians. I am constantly asking myself if I doubt God because of intellectual reasons or the experiences I've had with religious people. I don't want to give up Christianity because it is my heritage, yet I'm sick of lying to myself and to others about what I truly believe. I am afraid of losing friends/family. It would be less of an offense to tell my family that I am homosexual (although I am not) than it would be to tell them that I don't believe in god. Note: I am not committing to unbelief, although even considering it may cause an uproar. ...More thoughts to come. I need to get to bed.

*I have met a few Christians that cause me to reconsider this comment. My friends Maggie, Michele, Neesha, Misty, and Clinton are a few. I trust that my family, even when hurtful, have good intentions.

Missing

Missing
by Evanescence

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed
I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Shane is napping

Carrera is sick for the first time. Her poor little nose is all stuffed up, and all she wants is to be held. Alas, I am not getting the things done today that I wanted to get done, but its okay. I'd rather be holding her anyway.

Calvin just got out of his timeout and he asked me, "Mommy, will you make me happy?" It took me a few minutes to figure out that he wanted me to smile at him.

Colton wants to regift his Spiderman birthday card. He thinks that his cousin would like it. Ah, the sacrificial giving of a four year old.

Shane is napping.

Halloween Pictures

All in a day

So, I do this thing. It's like I don't want to go to bed. I always distract myself and then all of a sudden it is 1 or 2 in the morning. My intentions are good. I was thinking "I should go down to the office and get some sh*t done." Well, here I am perusing though blogs on MySpace. I found a whole group of friends that are SO interesting, and I am lost in blogs about religions and mathematics and tubas. Am I really so bored/lonely that I have to read blogs of people I don't even know to feel connected to the outside world! I have TONS of things that I should be doing. I could be listing things on eBay and making some money (something that I am not doing right now since I quit Target and haven't got any daycare kids yet), or I could be getting my daycare stuff organized. I have a toyroom that needs painting, two loads of laundry to fold (I did fold about seven yesterday), and three more to wash. I could read a book, something that I have been wanting to do, or hang some pictures back up on the walls that I took down when we thought we were moving. Oh, and I still have all the Halloween decorations up. No, I am sitting here on the computer, so conveniently placed in the "office," reading blogs.

Tonight I went shopping with my close friend, Maggie. She is one of the REALest people I know. It is so nice to feel so comfortable with someone. We can be dark and a little wacky and its okay because we are both kinda weird. So, we went shopping because I REALLY need some clothes. Most of my clothes are really old, really stained, have holes, and are too big or too small. Its funny how once you become a mother you quit buying clothes for yourself. I bought two shirts at Target and then I was done. I have such a hard time committing to a piece of clothing. I think I need to take a trip to Goodwill or Savers. It is easier to buy already used clothing for some reason. It almost feels like I am adopting it and giving it a good home. I can make the oddest piece of clothing, the most rejected item at the thrift store look marvelous. Most of my best outfits are thrift store outfits. I wish that I still had some of the clothes that I had in college. I had some great thrift items in college that I gave away when I went off to bible school. Ahhh, bible school. Those were the days. I had some horrible clothes at Bible school. Well, it was fun to get out and shop with Maggie. She is tall and has some of the same problems that I have in buying clothing. We had a few laughs at how medium shirts are made for B cups and large shirts are made for C cups. If your chest is too small, then the shirt hangs in the front funny. If you are too large... Well, its not a pretty sight, although quite funny.

Shane has off tomorrow and we are going to go on a date! I am SO excited! I'm not sure where we are going to go or what we are going to do. I do know that we need to go and look at microwaves. I want a microwave that hangs over our stove for Christmas. I'm slowly making our house exactly the way I want it. I hope that we stay here for a long time because I really don't want to make this house into my dream home and then leave. Besides, we live in a great neighborhood.

It's almost 1 a.m. Gotta get to bed. Maybe I will get some stuff done tomorrow. I think that sometimes I give myself too much of a hard time. I really do spend my days doing a lot. I take care of my three kids, make meals, do dishes, sort the mail, pick up toys, do laundry, etc. I just think that I want to get more done in a day than is possible. Goodnight!