Helen Fisher Book.

Shane and I are reading Why Him? Why Her? by Helen Fisher. Helen Fisher is a anthropology research professor, expert on the nature of romantic love, and scientific advisor to chemistry.com/match.com.

I'll start this out by saying that I have done MANY personality tests/profiles. I think I know my personality better than I know the back of my hand. Shane on the other hand hates personality tests, or anything that labels people into groups and categories. Of course his interest in this book is the scientist angle. Helen Fisher isn't just writing another personality profile, but she is doing/using gene research. Her personality categories are based on research that has been done on our chemical makeups and genes. Research is revealing that more of our personality is genetic than perhaps we have ever imagined. I've always been intrigued by the nature vs. nurture debate. (I'll blog more on that another time). I LOVE genes! I absolutely LOVE reading or hearing about gene research. So this personality book is right up my ally.

Back to the book...

So Fisher created four personality types (like most personality tests do): Builder, Explorer, Director and Negotiator. Like most personality tests, on her test the top score is your primary personality and the second to the top is your secondary personality. We are not 100% one personality, that would make life too boring. What I found interesting and different from other personality tests is that Fisher's research is focused on learning about why we chose the mate we chose, and what combinations are best to creating a lasting partnership (marriage). Most personality lectures/articles that I have listened to/read have said that opposites attract. For example using The Personaltiy Color Indicator (by Carol D. Ritberger, PhD), greens marry oranges and reds marry yellows. (I am green and Shane is orange) But Fisher's research has found that most often, and what works best, is when Builders marry Builders, Explorers marry Explorers, Directors marry Negotiators, and Negotiators marry Directors. Hmmm... I'm not very far into the book yet, but this is truly fascinating to me. I am a NEGOTIATOR/Explorer and Shane is a DIRECTOR/Something (he hasn't taken the test yet). So, this morning over coffee I was thinking about all the men I've 'loved' and dated, or even just crushed on over the years. Almost all of them were Explorers.

More to come...

Two Year Olds.

Carrera is two and a half, and deep into the adventurous twos, curious twos, defiant twos... Lets just say there is all out war in our home. It really doesn't help that I am a Taurus, and not only hard to manipulate, but determined to be be top dog in our house. Carrera is just like me and also determined to be top dog. I slept on the couch last night. Guess who got my place in bed? Carrera. But she is NOT going to win.

Warning: You may find some of this funny.

She started her twos out by a habit of reaching into her poopy diapers and smearing poop all over toys and walls. We eventually solved that by putting her into bodysuits that snap in the crotch. Because she is as big as a three year old they were a little tight and now has outgrown them. She also has outgrown the poop smearing stage. Thank the gods!!

She is now in a steal pen and write on everything stage. She has always liked to draw on herself, but now that she is getting older, she can move chairs and climb up onto things to get markers and pens. It took me well over 10 coats of paint to cover up her wall artwork in November and just this past week she drew over the same spot. I was livid.

She spent most of yesterday screaming at me. Mostly because I wouldn't let her push and steal toys from other kids, ruin our photo albums, and play with pens. She did manage to draw all over one of my magazines.

Carrera now has a toddler bed and can climb out of a Pack 'n Play. She also is learning how to open doors, which means bad news. She is in the process of dropping her nap. Although she likes to go into her room at nap time and wake up all the kids sleeping in there (three of them to be exact). If she does nap, she is up until midnight. Shane and I like to go to bed around nine. She refuses to sleep in her room, so she sleeps in our room. Which leads to why I slept on the couch last night. Carrera napped yesterday, yet she went to bed with us last night at nine. Boy was she loud playing with toys in the Pack 'n Play in our room, but I feel asleep. At shortly before midnight I woke up because the bathroom light was on. I thought it was one of the boys because Shane was fast asleep next to me. So I got up to check. Carrera was standing next to the toilet. It was full of toilet paper. She had taken out the towels and strewn them all over the bathroom. So I firmly told her to get to bed. She bawled, typical tactic to wake daddy who will take her side. So she climbed in bed with Shane and fell asleep. I cleaned up the bathroom, and ended up on the couch. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in our bed with her. She ends up sideways in bed. I'm tempted to lock her in her room tonight. Or maybe, more realistically, I could sleep in HER room until she falls asleep. One thing I know for sure: NO MORE NAPS!!

I had forgotten about the twos.

Later: Of course I wrote this in the early am. At breakfast time Carrera gave me Eskimo kisses and kept telling me how much she loves me. I wouldn't trade this age for any other... I think.

Raw Rachel on... Children

So I can't sleep. I'm up thinking about kids, not uncommon for me really considering my life and career revolve around mothering. Really I’ve learned a ton since becoming a mom over six years ago, and a child care provider over two years ago. By all means, I am NOT an expert on children, but I am constantly reading books on parenting, children, education, child development, and I find it completely fascinating and relevant to my every day life. Considering that I am an affirmation whore and addicted to absolute perfection, I work very hard to come up with concrete ways to be as excellent as I can be at ‘parenting’. So here are some of my evaluations. Feel free to criticize, I thrive on really good criticism:

#1 I strive to not label behavior as good and bad, but as inappropriate and appropriate. Most behaviors do have a place in our society. For example, it may be appropriate to bite a stranger that is trying to abduct you, but it is not appropriate to bite your caregiver or your mama’s nipple. Or, it may not be appropriate to tell your teacher to ’chill out’, but may be appropriate to tell mama when she is overreacting.

#2 MOTIVES: I bet Carrera does not wake up and think ‘I am going to do everything in my power to make my mom have a really bad day.’ Her motives are probably to have fun and get her way. I attempt to filter the kids actions through ‘motives’ glasses.

#3 Most attitudes and misbehaviors are STAGES. I am convinced there is a ‘standing on tables’ stage, ’bite your caregiver’ stage, ’steal toy’ stage, ’smear lunch in my hair’ stage, ’high pitch scream’ stage, ’trip over my own feet’ stage, and the list could go on and on.

#4 Ever heard “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” Yup, there is a ‘spill my cup’ stage. And there is no reason to get upset!! This is my new standard response: “Uh oh, your MILK is EMPTY, we’d better fill that up right away for you.” Why even mention the damn spilled milk!!!!!! It only upsets me and the kid.

#5 Validation starts at birth. I’m still working on my techniques with validating children’s feelings without condoning inappropriate behavior. Although young children do not understand logic, they do understand tone of voice and intention. “I understand that you are upset that you can’t have the sword that Billy is playing with, but it is inappropriate to take it away from him.” Ok, it might sound ok in theory. Like I said…. I’m still working on this one. Sometimes it just comes out of my mouth as “no.”

#6 Say “yes” more than “no”!!! Yes, you can have a glass of water. Yes, we can have a snack in a couple of minutes. Yes, we can read that book as soon as I’m done changing this diaper. Yes, you can have the sword when Billy is finished with it.

#7 EMPATHY is your greatest ally. Working with children has definitely fine tuned my empathy. I’ve actually crawled with kids, sat with kids, shadowed kids, just to try to understand where they are coming from. I’ll bet it is really cool to climb on the table and look out over the whole room. I bet it is really frustrating to want to crawl to a toy and not know how to do it yet. I bet biting Rachel’s shoulder and hearing her yelp is probably really funny.

#8 Yeah, I apologize to kids on a regular basis.

#9 EVERY kid needs one on one attention. At home and at daycare. I make it my goal to connect one on one every day with each child that enters my home (or lives in my home).

#10 Kids wake up on the ‘wrong side of the bed’ just like adults do. Hey, it’s ok to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and we can do it TOGETHER.

These are straight up daycare thoughts:

#1 What is going on at home affects the child and how they act at daycare. ALSO what is going on at daycare affects the child and how they act at home. That sounds pretty elementary, but it is SO true!

#2 It doesn’t matter how much training you have, what matters is if you can CONNECT with that child.

#3 My home is their home for the day. This also means that parents are welcome to come and go, and come in and make themselves comfortable (during daycare hours). This only makes sense.

#4 I really LOVE every one of the kids I watch. I know that if I didn’t I couldn’t be a really good daycare provider. I’ve been told ‘don’t get too attached’ but every time I’ve had to see a kid go I’ve cried for a good long time.Ok, so I'll get off my high horse now.

Oh, wait, lastly... spanking is hitting.

Disclaimer: I really try, but I still feel like I will never quite be a perfect mother. So this is all written from a woman who is TRYING. AS IF you really want to hear my opinions... but maybe you do.