Partner (List no.1)

I want a partner that... will willingly pick up cream on the way home from work for me without griping; will plan and cook meals with me; enjoys sex as much as I do; apologizes; seeks new adventure for us; motivates me; accepts the fact that I shower twice a week, wear my clothes more than once, like to stay up late; is as laid back as I am; basically doesn't sweat the small stuff; is spontaneous.

Transition.

I have been feeling drained. Emotionally and physically. I am to blame for the physical drain. I have been staying up too late and napping at odd times. I may be partly to blame as well for emotional drain. I have been not eating well and not working out as much as I need to. I also have one challenging kid in daycare right now. That makes a huge difference in my ability to get to the end of the day without being totally petered out. I know I need to offer myself more grace. I am embarking on a new journey. I am in a state of transition. I am learning how to balance a new set of responsibilities (um, doing the laundry, and trying to pack up more of Shane's stuff). And I am enjoying my new found ability to relax. I have been unmotivated to get things done around the house. This might be a good sign. Cleaning and organizing are my coping mechanisms. I have nothing really upsetting me right now, so nothing is getting done. I need something to motivate me.

Hope.

I am starting to wake up and feel inspired to write again. I am sitting here, surrounded by the days mess. Toys scattered across the floor; markers haphazardly thrown on the table; flour, sugar and egg smeared on the counter. Signs of life. We live here. Tonight was gym night with my bestest friend. After the kids and I got home I mixed up a batch of cookies with Calvin. I think I gained five pounds off of cookie dough. I love the little things. I love mixing up cookies with Calvin. I love hearing Colton's stories that only he understands completely. I love watching Carrera dancing through the kitchen (right before she wipes out. So funny, but not allowed to laugh). I miss "family" some days. I miss that my kids aren't going to have mom and dad in the same house anymore. But we are still a family. We still love each other. We still have each others backs. We are going to bake up some of the cookies tomorrow for the kids to bring for dad. Dad loves Mama's cookies. Our lives are changing, but we are still on this planet together. And I have hope.

Silence.

After weeks of silence. I am feeling. I started crying yesterday, and it is so hard to stop. I have so many questions. Questions for God, or the divine. Why? Why? Why? Why am going through this? Why nine years? A nine year lesson. Will I ever be enough? Enough for another person to love? I want someone to take a risk to be with me. Someone to give up, whatever it is that holds them back. I want someone that will give up other women. I want someone that will give up their ego or their insecurities. I want someone to choose me. I want to be loved. I will settle for nothing less.