Alone time.

I haven't been getting enough alone time.

I have been filling my time with people.

I spent the last nine years feeling unable to freely spend time with people.

So, I guess this is okay. It is okay that I have filled up my time for a few weeks... or month. I think that now I am ready for some down time. My house needs some TLC. Work is piling up. Taxes are screaming my name. And I am shocked that I haven't even take one bath since Shane moved out. I LOVE baths! I must create a new routine.

Living Outloud!

I have been refraining from writing partly out of respect for Shane. We have been officially separated for over a month. And honestly, it has been a wonderful month. Only one hard day. The rest of the time I have been enjoying my freedom by spending time alone and with friends, soaking in life. I have laughed more in the last month than I have in years. I have been surrounding myself with encouraging people. People that build me up and accept me for who I really am. It is so refreshing to live life outloud. I have been dancing through the last month. Living my truth.

I have had to drop two of my three classes this semester. It is just hard to balance moving forward with divorce, while being a mother and trying to take care of all the little things that come along with running a house.

I am looking forward to this summer. A good friend is going to teach me how to play softball. I have at least four friends interesting in motorcycling with me. Some friends have invited me and the kids to go to the black hills with their family. I want to take the kids camping. I am excited to set up the ring pool and spend fun time with the kids. I am excited to bike all over town with them.

I am working on doing some decorating in my home. I picked out paint colors and I am looking for some artwork. I feel like I have a fresh start. It is very nice to be able to make a safe space in my home for people to come and be free to express themselves.

Superbowl.

BEST WEEKEND EVER! Friday night I got the house cleaned and spent some time with my mom (Shane had the kids). Saturday Shane moved and the kids spent the day with some friends of ours. After helping Shane, I got a few things done around the house and made a Goodwill trip. I purchased a puppet stage. Its needs to be cleaned, but it was totally a score! That evening the kids and I spend some time with our friends P. & N., and we ended up crashing at their home. It was so nourishing to be away from home and in a safe space. I am working at creating friendships with people who are just real.

Sunday I attended a Spiritual Center with my best friend and drove down to the cities to spend time with friends. It is so nice to have the freedom to do what I want, go where I want, and to spend time with who I want.

M. Day.

Moving day.

Shane moved into his new apartment today. I think he picked a great apartment. It has lots of room for the four of them, it is closer to work and the kids' school than his hometown, which is where he was thinking about moving. There is a playground and a pool. It is far enough away from me that we don't have to worry about running into each other.

It feels nice to have the move over. I was worried about it. Mostly about how he would act around me. There has been a lot of tension when we see each other, and that makes it hard to know how to respond to him.

Well, on to the next step in our journeys.

Big Sap.

I have been being a big sap and listening to Keith Urban's Making Memories of Us (posted a few days ago on the blog) over and over. Ever since I first heard the song on the radio years ago I've thought: that is what I want!! There are other songs that have done that to me over the years as well. I worry that it is an unrealistic expectation of life. I have the capacity to love someone like that. But is there anyone out there the has the capacity to love me?

Lists.

Lists.

I have been making lots of lists.

The major one is my boundaries right now. I haven't been good with setting boundaries... ever. I feel that I have been stumbling and tripping ever since Shane and I decided to split. I want to make friendships, but don't know quite how to not give too much of myself. It is embarrassing! I make a stupid choice or two and want to crawl in my closet and die. I have been to eager to get out and live a little. I am learning to accept all things about myself, but I am unwilling to stay in a rut, if you will. So I have some major "rules" for myself. A huge one is that I am trying to listen to the "little voice." I am rather intuitive, but often I question my intuitions and that voice that says: "don't do that" or "take a step back" and especially the one that says "you are okay even without affirmation" or "you have all you need." Abundance. I wrote that an the end of my last blog as a reminder to myself of what a friend said to me on Tuesday. And I forgot to delete it. I have an abundance; an abundance of time... an abundance of finances (I have enough)... and abundance of support. The universe is providing those things, but what I need is an abundance of positive. I find myself slinking into the negatives of life, of being alone. At first it was intoxicating, then challenging, now it just is. I am learning to be alone.

Back to lists. I have one of things I want to learn and do, like cross country skiing, ballet, voice lessons, and travelling. I have a list of the negotiable and non-negotiable in a future mate. I have one of all the projects I want to do in the house this next spring. It is exciting!

Now I need to get back to work. Snack is over.

Nourishment.

This evening was such a nourishing evening, all about me. I met my bestie V. to walk at the gym for 40 minutes, followed by an appointment with my therapist, followed by a massage with my friend Deb. I feel so grounded right now. I know what some of the choices I need to make are. I know what I need to work on. I talked a little about it with my niece when I got home. I need to work on the big four, and I've already started it. My big four are: physical, emotional, spiritual and relational. As far as that physical goes, I've got my gym membership, motivation, and a fridge full of healthy food. I do need to work on getting a better sleep schedule though. In the emotional, I have tons of work to do. I need to learn how to feel again. I am reading a book about the language of emotions. Spiritual, well I signed up for this program, I found a spiritual center to attend weekly, and I am reading about chakras. But what I really need to do is start meditating and praying again. Lastly, relationally, I have been meeting new people and building relationships. I just need to get my boundaries straightened out. So, here I am. I see what I need to do, and I'm heading in that direction!
Abundance

Define.

I def have some boundary defining to do. Too bad I have the kids all the time and can't even keep up on homework. Maybe this weekend I can work on that.... maybe.
(Something smells like vanilla in here. Mmmmm... yum.)

Dilemma.

So, I put out this commitment to myself that I wouldn't date until I completed the spiritual class I signed up for. I thought it was a year class, but it lasts until October 2012! So now, what do I do? Can I keep that commitment? Can I go like almost two years without sex!? (And I am ONLY doing the sex thing within a relationship, so no cheating on that. My heart gets too involved, even if I try not to let it.).