Just Another Manic Monday...

My bff has got me addicted to wraps... the food kind. Mmmmm... yummy! My daughter is presently squealing at how cute the little baby grapes are! Nothing is ever boring around here. Tonight was the first night that life felt semi-normal again. My mom watched the last 15 minutes of daycare so I could get Carrera to dance (she has had to miss the last three weeks!). While we were at dance, my mom brought my boys to see their grandpa (my dad) at the nursing home. I am a horrible daughter-I have yet to visit him myself. We met back at home and one of my fabulous neighbors had cleared my driveway of snow. So I made the kids a quick dinner, threw in a movie and sped to a local gym and signed up. CHECK. One major thing off my list of modifications I am ready to make in my life. Major bonus, they have yoga two nights a week. I am SO there! Then I ran and picked up groceries. It was so fun to buy foods for myself. And that brings me to now, my wrap and iced green tea. I feel so good! My fridge is full of healthy food, my heart is full of love and my head is clear. Mmmmmm.... I just want to sit and enjoy this moment.

"Mom! Mom!" Ok, that didn't last long. Oh well, I love being a mom more than anything in this universe!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Aloneness and Faith.

Ok, so this morning at the spiritual center the pastor chick talked about faith, expectations and manifestation. What we expect is most likely to come to life. I know all this. I mean I really do. I get it. I've heard it before. I keep telling myself I just need some time to be negative. But I think that time is over... for now. I will be happy... I AM HAPPY! I hope to find another mate. I hope to make some great friends that I can spend time with on the weekends. But right now I can accept that the universe (or universal spirit) is pushing me towards aloneness. I will spend this time searching and growing and dancing. And then when the time is right I hope to find someone who wants to share in my dance. Even if that person is just a close friend.

Aloneness is a good challenge. I am working on developing boundaries and goals and routines. I am learning how to look out for myself. I've always expected that someone else would look out for me or have my best interests in mind... what was I thinking! That is so not true. So I am creating that security and safety for myself.

I also want community. I want to have connections and make connections. I feel like I can do that and that I am doing that. Random people are kinda coming together in my life to create this community that I can feel free to be myself within. People are happy for me and excited to see what will happen as this process unfolds. And I am happy to see their lives unfolding as well. How incredibly amazing life is!

I am. And that's it. I am not more than that, and I can't really be less than that either. I worry that I am TOO much. It will take a really strong and large person to be able to handle me as a mate. I like to take up space. I like to be loud.... and it isn't just that I like to be loud. I just AM fucking loud. I remember being called gypsy girl in elementary school because I was eccentric and artistic. I've always wanted to be a fairy. To be covered in glitter and color and fly and dance in the air. And that is what is going to unfold during this time of metamorphosis in my life. It is exciting. And I am going to take on an attitude of acceptance. I accept what I am going through right now. It is an important part in my life journey.

Another hump.

Brought Carrera into B&N for the first time since all this went down. She refused to go anywhere else with mama for coffee. AWKWARD! I feel that Shane must'ave painted a pretty negative picture of me because I got a few cold looks and lot less friendliness. I hope it doesn't last this way forever. I love Barnes.

Fucking Cry.

I got stood up again tonight. My bff, V, said, "Maybe the universe is telling you that you need to go home and be alone." So true, ...and so hard. Being alone. I am realising that, well, A) it is going to be awhile before I have another good fuck-which is crazy hard for me to come to grips with, but, B) I can't just surround myself with people and still work on finding me. So, I came home. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Way to go Rachel! Lets do this! Lets cry!

One of my faults, or I guess a better way to say it is, one of the things I've given up of myself is my ability to express emotion. I was that typical overly eccentric and emotional child. My dad liked to call me "free spirit" and if I had been left to grow in a healthy environment I would have been so artistic and expressive. But that was stifled. I learned very early on to Stuff. Those. Emotions. Down. and to do it quickly and deeply. So, here I am at age 30 trying to Dig. Down. Deep. and find that... child. Just so I can fucking cry.

Friday Night.

I'll be honest. I was really hoping to go out tonight. Not that I couldn't just go out by myself.... but I won't. Tonight I did go to book club from 7-10 p.m. and that was fabulous. It was fun to listen to everybody's crazy stories and connect with women that are in a similar place in life to where I am. People can be so encouraging and so crazy fun. I feel like I've missed out on so many years of connecting with people and now I want to spend every free second doing just that. So here I am, all dressed up and no where to go.

The Moment.

Life is intoxicating right now. I feel high! I have been dancing and allowing myself to feel the air on my arms. I have been laying on the floor and being with my space. I am slowing down and really enjoying the moment.

New Beginnings.

Shane and I are getting divorced

It isn't the fault of either of us (or at least I'm choosing not to place blame). We fought out this part of our journey together for nine years. Being complete opposites with very different life goals, the challenges began to outweigh the benefits for both of us. I think he may be having a harder time with it than I am. Although I hide it all very well. Perhaps too well.

I cried for the first time last night. In front of my kids. Calvin told me something that I always tell him, "Mom, its okay to cry... It lets out the negative emotions." That made me laugh and then cry harder. I miss having someone here to talk to and tell about my day and what I am learning. I also miss being held.

I am excited to see what the future brings to me. Well, the "present" actually. I am focusing on being present with this whole experience. I am seeking the universe and myself, the self that I lost somewhere along the way.

I've started touching things, like tables and walls and fabric. I am really beginning to feel my surroundings. Perhaps the next step will be learning to feel my actual feelings.

Ahhhhhh!!!

I had this fabulous revelation this morning: No body cares. I can offer myself as I am to people and they have a choice to accept me or not. And those people that accept don't care that I can be a little quirky, that I talk a lot, that I don't know how to tell creeps to fuck off, that I only have red wine to offer, or that I made semi-cold chicken sandwiches for us to eat at four in the morning. Like, where have these people been my whole life!? After 30 years of being critiqued, I get to just live and be me. This is so fuckin awesome!

Over.

Shane moved out. Just took his clothes and necessities.

Happy.

I am happy. Really and truly happy right now. I had a wonderful night out with friends last night. I'm realising how hard life has been in the last few years and I am taking time for me. It is hard this weekend though. We were supposed to spend the weekend out of town with the kids, but the roads are too bad (snow) to go anywhere. So we are stuck here. I really would like to do something for me tonight, like read, or work on some sort of project, but I know that the kids will flip if I do that. Sometimes I can be so selfish.

New Year.

After nine years Shane wants me to feel okay being myself in our relationship, and actually I have to be. I can no longer fake it. So, the hard part now is finding ME. I think that in the past I’ve always tried to form myself into whatever the people around me wanted me to be, especially the men around me. I formed who I was to fit what they were looking for in a woman… or at least what I thought they were looking for. It never served me well because I never had much luck with men until I met Shane. I think that is a huge fear for me right now. If Shane and I part ways, will I ever find someone that wants me? Especially now that I have three kids, stretch marks and I am 30. In a way, I know that this part of my journey is here to solidify that I am ok with just being me even if no one else is. Can I really be that? Can I really do this? Can I really be me in spite of the pressure to be something I am not? I am blunt and bullheaded. I can be a know-it-all, but I love to hear other opinions and learn new things. And my newest realization is that I am an extrovert. I am unhappy and stifled right now at this point in my life because I have no social outlet. I love one-on-one conversation, but the energy of a crowd is intoxicating. Perhaps I can find me and be me in this relationship. Perhaps he can be happy as well and we can make it work. I am uncertain. I have hope some moments and none in the next. But what I do know is that I can’t be stagnant any longer. It has been hard over the years to step out and do the things I want to do despite his obvious disapproval. I do love him. I love his opinions about politics and freedom. I love that he is so sexually free. Perhaps with him I have become way freer than I would have become without him. It is hard to separate one fraction of the journey and wonder what would happen without. I love the movie “Sliding Doors” because I really think that we take our choices too seriously. I could have left Shane five years ago when we were in a similar predicament, but I chose to stick it out, to honor my covenant with him. I was religious at that point. If I had walked away would I be in a different place now, or would I still be searching for permission from someone to be who I am? I guess I think that all roads lead to the same lessons, and perhaps to the same end. Do I think I will be with Shane ten years from now? Uncertain at this point. A year ago I would have said definitely. But not only do I want to be happy, but I really want him to be happy, and I am not helping him find happiness. As a matter of fact, I feel that I only bring him pain. He wants a relationship and a life that I am not willing to have. Will he make adjustments for me? Some. Will he be happy with those adjustments? I’m not sure. I think he hates that I blog about him, but I have an obsession with openness. Perhaps as a result of my messed up childhood (oh, I know, we all have messed up childhoods. Don’t worry, I am not going on a “poor me” rampage. I actually had it pretty good considering.). I’m an overly honest person. One of Shane and I’s problems for sure. If someone asks me if they look fat in a shirt and they do, hell if I’m gonna lie! I wouldn’t want them lyin’ to me! So, here I am. On a journey to self-discovery. Honestly, my 20s were all about self-discovery, but this now is about self-expression. It’s about not apologizing for who I am. It’s about moving forward confident that I am worthy of belonging on this earth just as I am. Letting go of that obsessive need for approval and saying take me or leave. This year will definitely be an interesting one.

Bump.

I've been like a bump on a log. I have been so down trying to determine what the future will hold. It seems that no matter how it pans out there will be pain. Pain for me, pain for Shane, pain for the kids. I eventually got my butt off the couch this morning and made myself do some productive stuff. Lil' I.J. and me went through Carrera's closet and filled up over two bags of outgrown clothes. Lil' I.J. begged for a few items, which I will gladly give her at her mom's consent. It was so great to goof off and have fun with my babies today. So many of them aren't babies anymore. Lil' I.J. is 3 already, and her little buddies are almost all preschoolers (2-5). My house is full of tiny people that like to talk my ears off and fight over Barbies. God I love it! I am not a baby person. Give me the 3 year olds!! They hold my heart!

Proud Mama.

Calvin and Colton both recently got their first official journals. They have been obsessively writing in them too. I couldn't be prouder. This morning Carrera decided that she needs a journal too. She wrote her first two words (besides her name). She wrote: "Baby Odie" on a piece of paper, and she knew enough that "baby" starts with a B because of the sound! My baby is so smart, and my boys are such great budding writers. I am such a proud mama today!

GPS.

My friend Jennifer posted on Facebook today: "If I am in fact controlling my destiny maybe I should get a GPS, because I have no idea where I'm going." That is exactly how I feel right now. Also, Sabrina posted: "Dear Life, Please stop fucking with me!" Gotta love my friends. Are we all going through shit right now or WHAT!?

Falling...

Straight up, I'm falling apart.

Invested.

He wants me invested. I was invested a year ago. I poured out my heart and all of me. Then I was introduced to her. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck on a dirt road. My emotions are ripped to shreds. My heart is still sitting in the hospital. The rest of me is wondering if I will make it or not. I just can't stand up out of that bed and say "Ok, I'm invested again."