Alone.

Feeling so alone and abandoned by all my friends. Its just me, fending for myself, trying not to get depressed. House in disarray. Nothing I can do about it until carpet gets fixed tomorrow. Nothing to distract me from my own blah-ness. Time goes slowly. Cloudy day. Want a change. Want something to motivate me. Playing with blonde hair. Everyone fights for my lap. Maybe they feel the same blah-ness I feel. We all need summer.

Sunday afternoon.

Fell asleep on the couch with Carrera at two o'clock and we're just waking up at five thirty. There is a reason I don't usually nap, and her either. We will both be up LATE tonight. Oh well, it was nice and I had funny dreams. Colton and Calvin have been outside almost this whole time biking around the neighborhood making new friends. I NEVER thought that I would get to the point when my twins would be able to go biking around the neighborhood while I napped. They sure do grow up fast. Now my little princess is staring at me with a hostile look because I woke her up and she was enjoying her siesta in the sun. We all love to nap in the sun around here.

This morning I went out for coffee and journaled about fear; picked up groceries; then came home and chatted Shane's ear off. This fear thing has really got me going. There are SO many things to be afraid of when you have kids. Will they graduate from kindergarten? What if they get hit by a car when they are biking? Are our neighbor kids safe and a good influence? Will my kids go to college? Will the get married? Will they blame me for fucking them up? What if one of them isn't good at math in school? Can I teach something that came so naturally to me? Or what if they never learn to read? So many irrational fears. Colton and Calvin have proved to me this year that they can handle life. Not only do they enjoy school, but they have lots of friends, and their teacher raves about how wonderfully behaved and artistic they are. I can see that they are well rounded. They have interests similar to children their age and interests that are different. They love Star Wars and Bakugans. But they also love reading up on the solar system and drawing pictures. I have no need to worry, they will be who they are.

Slamming door, garage door shuts, they are back for dinner. Shouting about their new friends. No worries.

Test of mindfulness.

Wow, this week has been... crazy.

First something happened to our laptop and our admin account locked up. Unfortunately I forgot the password and every website I found basically said You're screwed. You will have to use your recovery discs. I breathed. I reminded myself: Does it really matter? Does it really matter if we lose all our documents on this computer? Almost all of our pictures are saved on an external hard drive. So, we sat on it for a few days, not to rush. Today I played with the computer, ran it in safe mode (suggestion from my friend Jon), and fixed the problem. Boo-ya! Three cheers for Rachel the computer goddess!

Then yesterday Carrera leaned over and I saw that she had wet pants. Wet pants = pee. So I went to change her, smelled the pants. Ok, I'll pause here to say I ALWAYS smell the pants (really I like to smell everything, odd I know) for good reason. I WANT to know if it is pee or water or juice, 'cause spilled juice can cause more problems for me. Well, Carrera's pants were not wet from pee, as my nose told me. So I asked her how her butt got wet. She immediately said 'water' and that 'little friend did it. little friend did it.' Kids are ALWAYS blaming someone else. So, I went to the corner and squish, water rose between my toes. OH SHIT! OUR BASEMENT IS FLOODING! Called Shane at work. What the hell do I do?? He said wet vac it. So here I am. Six kids (age 3 and under), soon to be eight kids when the school bus comes. Trying to move EVERYTHING out of the toy room and then wet vac water out of our floor. And guess what my reaction was? Breath. This is not the worst thing that can happen. Breath. I can do this. Breath. This is actually a little bit funny (don't tell Shane that I wrote that). So, luckily little kid (that got blamed for the water by Carrera), well, little kid's dad installed that carpet and not only is he loaning me this kick ass carpet fan to air it out, but he'll be over on Monday to make it a carpet heaven in our toy room. Boo-ya again!

So, not only did I NOT stress about anything this week, but everything worked out. Duh, it always does! So three cheers for mindfulness. What really matters? I have my kids, Shane and food and shelter (even if it is a little wet right now). I couldn't ask for more.

Choose.

Sometimes I wonder why my daycare parents chose me as a provider. I'd like to think that it is because I am younger, laid back, and... well, there must be some reasons.

I've had only one couple not want me to watch their kid. I'm fairly certain that they were discussing the mom staying home. The dad said they had done a LOT of interviews and mom didn't like ANY of them. She barely let me SEE her baby when she brought it in for the interview, and I definitely wasn't allowed to hold it. Somehow it has always worked out that I have people to fill the opening that I need filled and when I've had to let kids go, someone else is right there waiting.

I don't take this good luck for granted. I am taking care of someone else's child; their world, their life. Someone once told me to think of my child as a million dollars, and to never leave my child where I wouldn't leave a million dollars. So, at the store, would I leave a million dollars in my cart and walk around the corner? Would I leave a million dollars sitting on my car seat and go into a store? Would I leave a million dollars with this daycare provider and trust that it will be here when I get back? I know, really silly cause we all know that our children are WAY more valuable than a million dollars. But it stuck with me. Maybe I'm just not trusting, but I wouldn't trust most people with a million dollars, and even when I leave my kids with a close friend I have some anxiety.

With all that said. Why me? Why am I so trustworthy? I know myself and I'd do ANYTHING for the kids that I watch in my daycare. But I'm still not certain how their parents know that.

Old Post.

Funny, I was just thinking about how great a writer my sister Deb is and how she can always make me laugh and then I ran across this. I wrote this in September (9/23/08 12:21 PM) and never posted it:

"I am NOT a writer! I was reading some of my sister's posts on her blog and she writes so beautifully!! I just write.
"I'm sick with a cold. Trying to have a positive attitude about life. Loving the kids!! Calvin is going through a rough phase. I can't quite figure out how to help him. He is really acting like a two year old. Throwing tantrums and all that. Just like Carrera."

So I thought I'd post it, just because... because my sister IS a great writer and I don't want to forget that Calvin went through a rough phase in September after starting school.

Computer gods.

Yes, I woke up this morning thinking "It's Tuesday. I can handle anything life throws at me today." That must have sounded like an invitation to the 'computer gods' who are not acting in my favor today. Somehow our User Account got deactivated (or deleted but I'm voting for the deactivated) and I have not been able to solve the admin password. Unfortunately without a password, the only way to reset the computer is to 'recover' it and start all over. Which means losing everything on the computer. I even tried waving my hands over the computer chanting and asking it nicely to fix itself. Not working.

Bring me coffee!

My sister came over with coffee today and stayed for about an hour. People bring me coffee, a LOT! My best friend, Gin, always has a Starbucks coffee for me when she comes over. My friend, Rachel, always brings me coffee when she comes for a play date. So I've been thinking, is it because they want coffee themselves and feel guilty not bringing me some, or is it because they know how much I LOVE and appreciate the coffee?

Yoga Night.

Thursday night is yoga night. It has worked out great. I met my instructor through community ed and she teaches two classes on Thursdays at a facility very near our house. The class I attend is from seven to about eight thirty. What I like so much about the class is that you only pay when you go. So if Shane works I can stay home. That means I don't have to choose whether to pay a babysitter or skip a class that I've already paid for. I understand why most instructors make you pay whether you attend or not. Hey, that is what I do as a daycare provider. But I really think that Tracy, my instructor, is on to something. Her class is always full, even if it isn't the same people from week to week.

When I first started doing yoga I had issues with the whole 'yoga image.' I am fairly flexible which makes it fun. I can put both of my feet behind my head. I like the energy of yoga and it really is a great workout. I also have hip issues, so yoga helps my whole body feel better. But yoga is popular, and I've always had an aversion to what is popular (or even normal, but I'll save that topic). But I sucked it up, and got over myself and I go.

I have issues with 'image'. I talk about it with my therapist and homeopath a LOT. On one side I feel that I am trying to portray a certain image to people, and on the opposite end, I try to NOT fit a certain category or group. I love piercings, tattoos, and I LOVE my pink hair, but I am not a bad ass. I love comfy tees and jeans, but I also love heals and skirts. I love kids most of the time, but I'm not really a baby lover most of the time. I'm not sure if it is just me, or maybe our culture, but I am always categorizing, organizing people into groups. Unfortunately I've never really fit into any one group. I'll be honest, I was really scared to try this yoga class because I was worried that I wouldn't fit in. I am not a raw vegan (although my best friend is), and I like my coffee. I eat meat, I eat 'junk food' more than I should. I ate cookies for breakfast and lunch today, and I think I will finish the whole oversize SAMS club cookie tin before the weekend is over. I don't always buy organic. Will I ever fit in a yoga class? Hell yes. I LOVE the women in my class! Sure, a few of them are granola, but not all of us. We're all women taking a break from our diverse lives to come together for something that makes us feel good. Leave your image at the door. I may not get to my yoga every day, but Thursdays... Yoga night.

Little Table.

So I'm sitting a the little table in the toy room. Three little girls have their laptops out too, and Carrera wanted me to join them. Of course I set theirs up so they can type, but they pound on the keyboards and end up changing the settings and turning the computer off, so I am spending most of my time turning them back on. Grandma picked up four of these little toy laptops on clearance at JCPenneys two Christmases ago. At first I thought it was completely excessive. Calvin already had one, so that made five computers. How are we going to use FIVE toy computers. Well, right about now I'm glad that we have three of them. Plus Calvin's is nicer so his is off limits. Soon I'm sure I'll have a fourth little kid ready to sit at the table with a laptop. That will mean that they will be kicking me off. I can hear it already "Only room for four, mom." But, for now, I'm included.

Cleaning Demon.

Last night I decided that I had enough. I have been sick for too long and my house was a disaster. Piles of stuff that really did need to get done. So I put the kids to bed, slammed a REALLY strong cup of coffee, put on some tunes and got to work. It was wonderful! I got the whole upstairs finished by midnight. Of course then I couldn't sleep because of the coffee. Needless to say, after only four hours of sleep, I am a little tired today. But I am determined to do the whole downstairs tonight. That should be a little easier. Upstairs I had clogged drains, and dog puke to clean off the carpet. Anyway, I got to thinking about why I enjoy cleaning so much. The number one thing that I remember about my home growing up is that it was almost always immaculate. I'm sure that my mother cleaned to cope with living with an alcoholic/bi-polar spouse and being a stay-at-home mom of six. I think that organization and cleanliness are not natural to my personality type. I tend to procrastinate in all other areas of my life. And I lose everything - keys, glasses, checks, coffee cup, whatever I really need at the time. Yet when Shane asked me where the motorcycle's manual was last night I could tell him exactly where to find it. Somehow I have become just like my mom. I clean to relieve stress. Actually it is the ultimate stress relief for me (better than sex). Even with little sleep I am flying high today. Organization is my way to control my universe. I have three sisters that are control freaks too. But it is very important to me that I not make having an immaculate home a larger priority than being with my own children. I don't remember EVER, EVER spending quality time with my mom as a child. I remember her reading to me a few times when I would beg her, and she always tucked me in at night. I know she loved me, but my memories of her are her cleaning, cooking, sewing and when she took a break, reading (to herself). I hope my kids learn organization from me, but I hope that they also learn my favorite word: MODERATION. That is why I try to save the major cleaning for after bedtime. That is why I slammed the cup of coffee last night and worked until my hands were dry and cracked and my back hurt. I like having a clean and organized home. I like having a clean and organized work environment. But my kids really don't care, they just want me.

Ode to Parents that make my job easier.

After my last post I laid in bed thinking about how I didn't mention the WONDERFUL daycare parents that I have now. But here is a list of some things that parents do (or have done) to make my life easier or just plain more enjoyable:

Parents that show they appreciate me. Parents that always pay me on time, even sometimes a week in advance. Parents that will write me a new check when I lost the one they gave me (oops). Parents that say 'thank you'. Parents that keep their kids home when they are sick. Parents that bring treats on Halloween, and Valentine's day (kid's birthday, etc.). Parents that give me wonderful well thought Christmas presents (Valentine's presents, etc.). Parents that bring me 'May day' coffee. Parents that give me Caribou gift cards when they feel bad about picking their kid up a half hour late. Parents that spend quality time with their kids in the evening and on weekends (Children that know they are loved are happier!) And of course parents who remember to dress their kids appropriately for the weather, and bring lots of extra clothes & diapers.

The list could go on and on. And it really requires some give and take. I've agreed to hold checks for a week, and do sometimes use extra clothes, shoes and diapers that I have on hand. But I don't have to do it on a regular basis, and that makes me happy. Plus, when I do go out of my way for any of my daycare parents, they always recognize it. A simple 'thank you' goes a long way!!

Crumbs.

Someday I want to write a book. I've thought about jotting down some of my experiences doing child care. I already could write a book on all the crazy thing that have happened. Kids can be funny and challenging. I've watched kids that I couldn't handle and had to quit watching. That is really hard for me to admit. I am a little bit of a control freak and don't handle children with attention disorders (if I may call it that). I have a harder time with kids that aren't quick learners too. Right now I am trying to get a child to eat over the plate at meal time. I don't think the child gets the concept. Hence the crumbs stuck to my feet. (I keep the littler kids on the far side of the table because they aren't expected to even keep all their food on the table.) But enough about that.
Then there are stories about parents. Parents lying to me. Never lie to child care provider. We aren't stupid. We know that if your child pees on our floor six times a day she must be peeing on the floor at home. (And it helps when her big sister tells us that she pees on the floor at home too). We know if you can afford to get a new tattoo or a new cell phone or a new car that you really DO have enough money to pay us. And if you don't, then we worry about your priorities. Yes, I've had a mom get a new tattoo and not have money to pay me the next week. I've also had a mom get a new cell phone and then tell me I charge too much. I sucked it up, said I could print off the average rates in our area for her. She said "Don't worry about it." I don't watch those kids anymore.
I loved those kids.

Today.

I hear on a regular basis how lucky I am to be able to be at home with my kids. I think that most people don't think very hard about what life as a child care provider is like. This morning I wanted to swear at the world. This is what I wrote:

Today I want to quit doing child care.
Today I want my home to be MY HOME.
Today I want my daughter's room to be full of her toys, not pack 'n plays.
Today I want my couches and floors to be pee stained from my own kids, and the crumbs sticking to my feet to be from their toast.
Today I don't want to wipe boogers or change the poopy diapers of anyone by my daughter.
Today I want 15 minutes to hold my daughter without being interrupted by a crying baby.
Today I want to sit with my boys when they get home from school and hear all about their day, and not be so busy changing diapers and getting kids ready to go home to be with their parents.

I really don't get the time with my kids that I would like to have. Yes, I get to see their first step, hear their first word and be there for all the firsts. But I do not get to give them the attention that I would like to. Carrera would probably get just as much quality time, if not more, if I didn't do daycare. If I didn't do daycare I could spend my evenings playing and reading and having quality time with my kids instead of cleaning up after a long day, getting paperwork and meal counts done, stressing about getting training done and meeting standards of other parents whose kids I love. And that is just it. Right now, as much as I get frustrated with the stress level of my job and the fact that I can't be as involved of a mom as I'd like to be, I still really LOVE all the kids I watch, and want to see them grow and succeed. Just some days I want to focus on mine.

Dinner Date.

I'm not a writer. I love to write, but I am not a "writer". I can fill a journal in under 6 months, but there is a reason no one reads that but me. Of course I attempt to have an irregular blog because I WISH I was a writer.

Shane, I and the kids were invited to a friends' for dinner this evening. Shane and I have never really had mutual friends, especially not mutual friends that were a couple, and especially not a couple with kids! Needless to say, I have been ecstatic for weeks. Our new friends are a married couple with three kids. Their oldest son is in Colton & Calvin's class this year at school. They also have a four year old boy, and a daughter that is one month younger than Carrera. Our kids all get along very well, and we also have a lot of similar interests to them. And best of all, Shane and I BOTH had fun tonight! I am flying high!! (And no, Shane, it isn't just the wine getting to my head.)

Carrera has been on this non-schedule schedule. I am not liking this stage. For example: bed time is 7:30 pm. I know, the time just changed (daylight savings) and I can be flexible, but midnight is a little late to be up at night, and 3 am is a little early to be up in the morning. I need her to get back on a schedule!

It is Spring break, and I should be happy that Colton and Calvin are home from school for the week. Unfortunately I've been sick since Sunday (suffered through daycare Monday, cancelled Tuesday) and I'm not feeling back to normal yet. I hate how I can't bounce back as fast as I'd like too. I hate being sick.

Shane did ALL the laundry today. He also watched daycare for an hour so I could nap. And helped with lunch. And snow-blowed the driveway at 6 am so that daycare parents could get into the house. I'm sure that there is much more that he did that I am not mentioning. He always spends his days off helping me out with daycare and housework. I married a REAL man, and he is AMAZING!!

So now that I PROVED that I really can't write, I'm going to go cuddle with my real man, and wait for Carrera to get tired enough to sleep.