Sensitive.

Confession: I'm sensitive.

My family would laugh because they all know that already. In fact most of them might say that I am one of the most sensitive people they've met. Over the years I've learned how to not overreact and how to control my sensitivity, at least outwardly. But yesterday I lost it.

I had e-mailed the Advising Coordinator in the Psychology Dept at the University I will hopefully attend in the fall. My e-mail consisted of three points:

1. How do I get an advisor?
2. Is Psych really what I should be going into for what I want to do, or should I be contacting the Community Psych Dept?
3. Is is even possible to fit the required classes into my schedule?

The last two questions I asked because I really didn't want to waste anyone's time, especially my own. I posed the questions in paragraph form (with some wit that I now regret). In the e-mail I sent I admitted that I am a little ignorant on how everything works in the University setting. When I attended the University right out of high school I only met with my advisor once, and that was basically only to introduce myself. All other contact I had with him was via phone or e-mail.

I received an e-mail back. An e-mail I perceived as cold and rude. She was critical of me contacting her via e-mail, and was certain that I could not complete the degree with my schedule. She also said she could only answer my questions by scheduling an appointment with her, yet did not include a phone number or office hours. I cried... for hours. And I don't cry often! I'm still trying not to cry.

At first I didn't know why I was so upset. The e-mail had confirmed a long held belief of mine that most professors are pricks, probably live in dungeons, and derive pleasure from torturing innocent, social phobic students like myself. I didn't want to show Shane the e-mails because I thought either 1) the e-mail I sent was somehow unprofessional, or 2) I was completely overreacting to an innocent e-mail back. But after mulling over it for two days, I have realised that the tone behind the e-mail I received back was offensive, and that it was also really unprofessional. I would not have been offended at all if the e-mail I received had said only "Please give me a call. 555-555-5555. I am in my office from XXX to XXX."

Well, today I attempted to call the number I found on the website for her office. There was no answer and no voice mail. I guess this woman hates e-mail and phone messages. So I e-mailed her back a VERY to the point and professional letter explaining that I think she may have misinterpreted my first e-mail, that I would be VERY happy to meet with her, but that she did not include a number or office hours in her e-mail, and that I had attempted to call the number on the website.

I haven't heard anything back yet.

After getting the reply e-mail I did a little research and have all the evidence to prove that I can take all but two classes with my current work schedule. By the time I need to take those last two classes, I could easily hire a substitute child care provider for 2 days or 6 hours a week. I can TOTALLY get my degree and continue doing Child Care, as long as Shane can be a little flexible with watching daycare for 30 min on 1 day a week so I can get to class at 5 o'clock.

(I should add that I came to that conclusion by looking at the last few semesters and seeing what classes are offered in the evenings and what classes are offered via internet/online. If I take one online class and one 5 o'clock class every semester then Shane would only have to sub the 30 minutes on one day a week, unless I have to go onto campus to take a test for the internet class. Also, some of the classes that were offered via internet were only offered in the summer session, so I would probably have to take summer classes.)

Undergraduate.

I registered for two classes at the University!! In other words I've taken the next step to choosing and completing a degree. I'm going to keep it a little "hush hush" for awhile because I have had a few other false starts. But I am feeling REALLY nervous and REALLY excited.

I've been thinking about going back Fall 2009 for awhile. My kick in the pants came today. First, I watch a little boy whose mother will be graduating next week, and it made me start to think about the feel of finishing. Then when I was killing time during nap time playing computer games Shane made the comment that I would easily have time to take an online class or two if I quit playing those stupid games. Then lastly I met with my therapist tonight. Me completing college came up a few months ago, and she brought it up and made me set some goals. My assignment for next time was to get an Advisor and register. So, now I just need an Advisor. I e-mailed the Advisor Coordinator for the Department so I am half way there too. For the first time, I really think I can do this!

Big girl bed.

It's ten o'clock. Carrera napped for less than an hour today. She is still up.

On Saturday Shane's mom popped in for a surprise visit. She whisked me and the kids out to buy Carrera a mattress for her bed, and all new bedding to go on it. It is so wonderful to have Carrera finally in her big girl bed, with a hot pink comforter and fun striped sheets. My mother-in-law is GREAT!

My plan tonight was to get the kids in bed, do the dishes, quickly clear off the island, and then pick up and put away all the piles of stuff on my bistro table downstairs. The whole reason I wanted a bistro table in the first place was to be able to brew and drink coffee at home. I wanted my own space to escape to in the early morning or at night, that was unaffected by the kids. Somewhere that I didn't have to leave the house to get to. Well it has become a catch all. I guess it is kinda sorta my office space. I spent some time early this year moving all of my 'office' into a large closet in our family room. My bistro table just happens to be right next to the closet. If only I could keep up with all my paperwork, etc.

Tonight Carrera wouldn't sleep. I laid down with her twice, and she is not going to go to sleep anytime soon. So much for getting anything done, other than the dishes, which I am gong to do right NOW.

After 'Bed time.'

Less than a half hour after my last post Carrera came up the stairs (after she 'accidentally' fell asleep on the couch). I said "Do you want a snack?" She said "NO!" I said "Do you want me to hold you?" She said "NO!!" Then she reached her arms up to me. I picked her up, and she wrapped herself tightly around me and whispered in my ear "I'm hungry." An absolutely perfect example of my wonderfully funny, drives me crazy, 2 1/2 year old.

Bed time.

Every night I sit down next to my daughter's bed and we cuddle. I caress her cheeks and arms, play with her hair, until she falls asleep. I love this time with her. It is the highlight of my day. Often she also caresses MY cheeks and says 'I love you too' while giving me Eskimo kisses. Two nights ago she wanted me to sing to her. So I started with singing the ABC's... at least fifteen times, then some other of my favorite songs.

She is growing so incredibly fast. She drives me absolutely crazy. She screams 'I hate you' and 'You hate me' at me numerous times daily. She usually refuses to have her diaper changed or clothes changed so I have to pin her down to do it. If she doesn't nap she freaks out about everything. If she does nap, she will not sleep for me at night. She refuses to do anything I ask. If I say 'come here' she refuses. If I say 'Fine, stay there' she refuses. Her answer is always 'no'. I stand my ground, keep my emotions out of it as much as possible, and allow her to BE. What else can I really do, she is a typical 2 1/2 year old. She knows that she NEEDS me, but hates it. She knows that she LOVES me, but refuses to show it.... until bed time.

Busy.

I've been dreading the next couple of days.

Tonight I have Infant & Child CPR training almost right after I get done with daycare (6-10 p.m.), and Shane is working overnight because of inventory. I have a really hard time sleeping without him. Tomorrow I get to drive to Litchfield for an appointment with my homeopathic practitioner (I am excited about the appointment but hate having to make Shane watch daycare, and we are both going to be tired because of his schedule tonight.). Saturday I was supposed to go to the Mall of America with my sister, but never found a babysitter, so the kids just have swimming. Sunday we are going to a comic book show in St. Paul (I think). I'm not a big fan of BUSY (or of comic books). Next week is packed with stuff too (including Colton & Calvin's trip to the homeopath, and my First Aid class). I did get a huge 'to do' list done this week, so I won't feel like I'm leaving a bunch of work at home.

I colored my pink streak green for a change. I have wanted green in my hair since high school. I saw a woman at Barnes with dark brown hair and green streaks. It was SO cute! My green turned out turquoise. I'm not sure why. I had opened the bottle a year ago to use on my niece's hair but we had mixed it with blue that time. So either I accidentally got some blue into the bottle or oxygen changed the color. For whatever reason, my streak is blue-green, not green like I wanted. I may have to go pick up a new bottle. I don't think the green will be permanent though, cause for some reason I love the pink, although I am not a big fan of the color pink in general.

I'm feeling ready for vacation. The other day Shane came home from a long motorcycle ride and said "On our first week of vacation I want you to have a day to do whatever you want to." I am excited! Although I really don't have any idea what I am going to do with my day. It has been a LONG time since I had a day to do what I wanted to. Any ideas? (It can't cost any money.)

Dacare duties.

Last night a about 8:00 p.m. I started to think about how my job as a daycare provider is never really done. I contemplated this as I washed bottles and scrubbed down chairs and toys. I hadn't stopped working from 7:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m.

Just like me.

I make Colton a bag lunch every day. He doesn't want to be in first grade. He refuses to put his head under the water at swimming. He is afraid of everything. He is just like me.

Calvin is an over achiever. He debates EVERYTHING with me. He is just like me.

Pajamas.

Today: Still in pajamas. Eating cookie dough. Choosing to be lazy. Wrote a 'to do' list. Stuck it to the counter for later, much later.

Updates.

I had two interviews with parents that were looking for daycare. Both had two preschoolers. Both didn't call me back, and I am SO happy because I hadn't really decided if I really wanted to have any more kids here. I like it the way it is now. It is comfortable.

Both of the parents were concerned that I didn't have a curriculum, which is why I started considering purchasing one. Well, I sent home a survey with my current daycare parents to get feedback. I really have no clue if they want me to use a curriculum, or if they are worried about their kids being 'school ready'. So far the feedback has been that they are 'indifferent'. So I kinda had an 'aha' moment. I never have intentionally worried about my own kids when it comes to education. I have the philosophy that they will learn it when they are ready. And it has always been true. So why am I worrying now? Especially about other people's kids! Did someone else's fear rub off on me?

I still have no clue what I will be doing in the fall. I still have a few surveys to get back. Perhaps I can get some fun crafts put together this summer, and just keep on with what I am doing now. No one seems to think that I am doing a bad job.

More on Fear.

I was a very fearful child. I was afraid of EVERYTHING. I was afraid of monsters, of being kidnapped, of being watched through my window, of getting lost, of the dark, of my mom giving me up for adoption, of my mom forgetting that I existed, of demons, of hell, of snakes & spiders, of dogs, of needles & shots, of being spanked, of falling off my bike, ok the list may be almost endless. I still sometimes have bouts of fear. Sometimes completely irrational, like being afraid of someone walking into my house and killing me, or of my kids getting kidnapped or hit by a car. Being a parent gives us lots of reasons to fear. But I have this life philosophy: Fear serves no purpose for me. You could argue that fear keeps us from jumping off bridges or walking down dark alleys, but seriously? Fear only keeps us from action, and often times, for me, from good action. If I am too afraid to let my kid experience public school because they may get teased or a teacher may teach them something contrary to my own life philosophy, they will miss out on good experiences. Experiences learning how to deal with bullys, or learning that people do all have different life philosophies. I just did an interview with a parent of a two year old and three year old. She wanted me to lock the gate on the top of my stairs because her kids do not use the stairs yet. (Note: All the kids in my daycare learned to use stairs at about 12-15 months old.) If I refuse to let my 1 year old (or younger) learn how to climb the stairs because they may fall, what am I really saying about life? "Be afraid! It isn't ok to get hurt." Not true. We are going to get hurt. I guess I think that we learn not to fall by experiencing falling. I want my kids to enjoy life to its fullest. To take risks and conquer the bully or the stairs or the... whatever. I know that some people prefer caution. I guess I just don't.

Favorites.

Shane doesn't have favorites. Favorite color? No. Favorite shirt? No. Favorite car? Well, maybe. I, on the other hand, am a 'favorite queen'. I LOVE having favorites! I have a favorite EVERYTHING, and if I don't have one yet, I'll pick one (this doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to change my mind once in awhile). So when Colton asked me tonight what my favorite color is and I said green, he colored me with a green shirt in his picture. When he asked what daddy's favorite color is and I said daddy doesn't have a favorite color his eyes lit up and he said "I guess I'll just have to give him a rainbow shirt."

Abomination.

I've been reading the blog of one of my daycare moms. I love reading about their experiences throughout the last year because I remember a lot of those days. I also get a little sad. I have a few friends who have blogged about their pregnancies and first child. Friends that are SO excited to have that baby. I wouldn't say that I wasn't excited to have Colton and Calvin, but, well, it wasn't the way I had imagined it would be.

I'm not sure that I'd even want to write about all the events that happened at that time. Shane and I were dating. Actually Shane and I were engaged. I really didn't know that I could get pregnant that easily. My parents never talked about sex. I found out what intercourse was when I was 16 from my friend Hillary. My parents only liked one guy that I had ever dated. They had kicked me out and I was living with Shane, living in sin, basically excommunicated from my church and therefore my friends and social life. My poor babies. All the stress. I didn't have health insurance.

"Having a child out of wedlock is an abomination."
Not sure who said that or where I heard it, but it sticks in my head. It seems to summarize to my first experience with pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. I love my husband and my twin boys are amazing! I just wish that I had been more excited to have them, more prepared, more ready. I made a lot of mistakes with them. Mistakes that I will not make with Carrera. I hope that they can forgive me for all the times that I wished I wasn't a mother. I hope that they know that even though I wasn't really excited, I still am very in love with them. I am excited NOW to be their mother. I am prepared NOW. I have taken the time to read about parenting since having Carrera. I have built my own philosophies, and cherish the little things that they do, even the hard things. As much as I hate Carrera's tantrums, I cherish them. I could not have said the same for Colton & Calvin's tantrums. I wanted to plug my ears, shut my eyes, and make it all disappear. I say that I have no regrets in my life, but I do wish I could go back and enjoy Colton & Calvin at age 1 and 2 and 3 and 4... But, I enjoyed them at age 5 and now at age 6. Motherhood may have chosen me, but now I have chosen to be a mother.

Laughter.

I used to laugh all the time. I blamed my awesome abs on laughter. Now they look like the abs of a woman who has had twins. (Btw Jenna Jamison just had twins, wonder how that will affect her career.) Calvin asked me about my stretch marks the other day, and got a lesson on how skin stretches. He asked if they hurt. I love how kids process things. He never implied that they were ugly. We adults label things: ugly, scary, funny, right, wrong. Kids just don't see things that way.

Back to laughter. I wish that I still laughed as much as I did in the past. Having children has made me more serious. The first time (and one of few) I heard my mom laugh was at the kitchen table. I think I was five years old. She had farted.

Recent resolution: LAUGH!

My Carrera.

I don't remember very much from when I was two. I was very shy, and I remember being sneaky. I'm sure that my sneakiness made me quite a handful for my mom. My little Carrera is quite a handful for me. Right now she is sitting on my lap drinking water, or actually she is kinda holding it in her mouth and I'm waiting for her to accidentally spit it out all over the computer. On Saturday I cleaned out the garage (in addition to all the work we did in the backyard), and in the process I put together Carrera's big-girl bed in her bedroom. One of my bestest friends gave Carrera her old twin bed frame, but we haven't purchased a mattress yet. So Saturday I put an old comforter on the bed frame to keep the kids from scratching themselves on the springs. Then we placed her toddler mattress on top. Carrera laid on the bed and it dwarfed her. She is still so small. I tried to imagine her 6 years old like Colton and Calvin. I laid down in the bed and imagined myself as a six year old in this room. I think we are going to have to find some other place in the house to put the three pack 'n plays that are now blocking her dresser. Will I still be doing daycare when she is six? Will she still like the hot pink flowers on her wall? Will she let me put her hair in pigtails? Or will they be uncool when she is in first grade? I guess we will find out when we get there. Right now we are having fun just being two, and driving mama crazy!

Spring Photos #1

Shane took this of me reaching for my coffee. It made me laugh when I ran across it.

If you don't know by now, I gotta have my coffee!!Easter girl.

Shane got this one before we left for his dad's. Carrera with her typical dirty look.

Dog poo.

My sister posts a picture to Flickr every day, and I LOVE reading her posts. So on Friday I thought "I want to post my first picture to Flickr." I know, I will NEVER have the time to post a picture a day, and besides I have two blogs to maintain and a Facebook. But on Saturday I found something in the yard and I promised Shane that it would be the first picture I'd post to Flickr.

The story:
Saturday it was beautiful so we spent a large portion of our daylight hours outside. I pulled all the sand box toys out of the garage, set up all the patio furniture, cleaned out the flower beds and picked up all the dog poo in the back yard where the kids play. Shane did some weeding in our biggest flower bed, and moved some soil around.
We have two dogs. A cocker spaniel, Millie, and a standard poodle, Jes. Jes is the baby. When Millie was younger she chewed up some interesting things, but never actually ate any of it. Jes, on the other hand, eats things. It is not uncommon for me to find pieces of toys or pacifiers in her poo outside. Well, this time I found these. Can you guess what they are?? (My thongs) Yes, she swollowed them, and I found them in her poo in the back yard.

Easter

Got this via e-mail from MN Atheists. Thought it was kinda neat because of the info. Enjoy.

Wishing you a Joyous Estrus!
By Tom Riddering

Quick! What do eggs, flowers, the East, maidens dancing around phallic symbols, the vernal equinox, fecund rabbits, chicks, flowers, Mardi Gras, estrus cycles, and Christianity all have in common? SEX!
Well, Christians actually call it Easter, named after Eastre, the Germanic fertility goddess, which comes from the same origin as the word "east." Why east? That's where the sun rises! The same spring sun that shines on those brightly colored chicken ova and brings new life to the earth -- flowers, chicks, bunnies, and the occasional god. Jesus wasn't the only god allegedly reborn around the vernal equinox. There was also Adonis, Osiris, Perseus, and Orpheus.
Spring is when we have the licentious festivals of Mardi Gras, Carnival, and the ancient Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. It's when the Kanamara Matsuri (Festival of the Steel Phallus) is celebrated in Japan. Nothing subtle about those Buddhists and Shinto! It's when pre-Christian pagans all over the earth celebrated the return of life after the dark death of winter and propitiated their gods for a successful growing season by celebrating their fertility. The early Christian church couldn't eradicate this popular festival, so they hijacked it and assigned new theological meaning to it. But under all that sanctimonious piety, Easter is nothing but the spring fertility rites. Now that's something even atheists can celebrate!

http://mnatheists.org/content/view/307/164?utm_source=Minnesota+Atheists+eMail+List&utm_campaign=d001d9b704-Apr_Newsletter_04_10_09&utm_medium=email

Making holidays special.

I had a daycare mom remind me of one of my flaws today. How did she do that? She brought treats. Duh Rachel, tomorrow is Good Friday. This is the obvious day for schools and daycares to celebrate Easter. So I royally stink at making holidays special. I could easily blame my mother. She had the same difficulty. I turned out ok, right? So the kids in my care won't be scarred eternally. But I wish that I was good at it. I always have good intentions. I actually have a Spring craft bookmarked in Family Fun magazine for us to do. I just never got around to getting the supplies I need for it. And as far as treats go, I have none for the kids. I guess that means that I need to go to Target tonight for treats. Recently I really don't want to leave the house for anything. I haven't been enjoying getting groceries, or Target runs (Doesn't that make it sound like a disease? "I have the Target runs." Ha!). The other problem with crafts is that I have six kids here age 3 and under, and their skills are minimal. There is very little that they can do as far as crafts are concerned. This means that I end up making their crafts for them. That doesn't benefit them, only their parents. We did make St. Patrick's Day crowns that the kids wore all day and loved.

Immunization.

I know I've offended a few of my friends with my blog, and I'm sure that this will be not be the last time I do. I have been seriously thinking through some of my beliefs. There are quite a few issues that I have sat on the fence on because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. So here is the beginning of me jumping off the fence.

I've been researching the vaccination debate off and on for the last six years, ever since the boys were born. We did immunize our kids, but I have always been uncertain if that was the right choice for us. I now can say that I am certain that I made the right choice for our kids.

I was actually inspired to look into this more after talking to my sister Deb. She traveled to Burkina Faso, West Africa last summer (July 12 - August 6, 2008) with students from Messiah College http://www.thecollaboratoryonline.org/wiki. The team went to improve and build new trikes for physically disabled persons in this very poor country. A surprise for Deb was that many of them were disabled from polio. We are so sheltered in the United States.
History of Polio: http://www.cloudnet.com/~edrbsass/poliotimeline.htm
Little bit of polio info: http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/bacterial_viral/polio.html
So, to start with, I am glad that my children do not have to fear this disease.

"Ironically, the successes of vaccine coverage in the United States have made it more difficult for the public to weigh the benefits and complications of vaccines because the now-controlled diseases and their often-serious risks are no longer familiar."1

"Parents who believe that vaccinations are linked to autism, or who object for religious or other reasons, balk at government regulations that bar their unvaccinated children from attending school if they don’t have the required shots. One anti-vaccination group calls forced vaccination “a violation of human rights.”
"But those on the opposite side of the argument say not vaccinating violates the rights of others. According to officials at the Centers for Disease Control, “The decision not to vaccinate is a decision for your child but also a decision for society.” They say that unlike other medical issues where refusing treatment affects only the patient, refusing vaccinations puts others at risk as well, including newborns and people with suppressed immune systems.
"Parents of unimmunized children rely on the vast majority of kids who do get their shots, figuring there’s little polio, measles, chicken pox or other pathogens to be found among so many protected kids. But with recent measles outbreaks in four states, that protection may not be enough."2

"Immunization is widely regarded as one of the most effective and beneficial tools for protecting the public's health. In the United States, immunization programs have resulted in the eradication of smallpox, the elimination of polio, and the control and near elimination of once-common, often debilitating and potentially life-threatening diseases, including measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, pertussis, tetanus, Haemophilus influenzae type b."1

It is my goal now to look up a little info on all these diseases and to learn a little more about what I have chosen to protect my kids from.

Vaccine Descriptions:
HepB: protects against hepatitis B
DTaP: a combined vaccine that protects against diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis
(whooping cough)
Hib: protects against Haemophilus influenzae Type b
PCV: protects against pneumococcal disease
Polio: protects against polio, the vaccine is also known as IPV
Rota: protects against infections caused by rotavirus
Influenza: protects against influenza (flu)
MMR: protects against measles, mumps, and rubella (German measles)
Varicella: protects against varicella, also known as chickenpox
HepA: protects against hepatitis A
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/spec-grps/infants/downloads/rec-iz-babies.pdf

And lastly, I read an article in Brain,Child magazine about vaccines and a modified immunization schedule. I will edit this post tomorrow with that info because I am going to bed.

Here is the commonly recommended immunization schedule:
http://www.cispimmunize.org/IZSchedule_Childhood.pdf

1. Immunization safety review: measles-mumps-rubella vaccine and autism
By Kathleen R. Stratton, Institute of Medicine (U.S.). Board on Health Promotion and Disease Prevention, Alicia Gable, Padma Shetty, Institute of Medicine (U.S.). Immunization Safety Review Committee, Marie C. McCormick
Edition: illustrated
Published by National Academies Press, 2001
ISBN 0309074479, 9780309074476
86 pages
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=nw75d4t_V9sC&oi=fnd&pg=PA1&dq=immunization+and+autism&ots=pjmxXSM5Gf&sig=5Eph5abREztZflJSvb-VBr5sT6o

2. Needling Questions: Immunizing Kids
June 30, 2008 By Kathy McManus
http://www.responsibilityproject.com/blog/post/needling-questions-immunizing-kids/?src=keyword_s=ggl_K=VaccineAndAutism_C=Parenting_G=Needle_Autism_M=Broad

Vocab.

I remember wondering: Are Colton and Calvin EVER going to begin to talk? Now I find myself thinking: How can Carrera be old enough to talk already? It may just be that girls talk earlier. That combined with twins talking later (I research everything cause I'm a nerd). Colton and Calvin were at least three when they started to really talk (Colton later than Calvin). Carrera talks constantly (unless we have company over and then she is a little shy), and in sentences. Right now she is playing princesses and they are talking to each other. She is saying things like: "Cindy, stay here!"; "I hate you!"; "I go with you. Wait, wait!"; "I miss you! You my friend!"; "Highness, stay here!" (Cindy is Shane's pet name for Cinderella). Of course she is almost shouting all her sentences for dramatic effect. As much as I am shocked that she is really getting older, it is VERY fun to be able to interact more on a verbal level with her. She can tell me EXACTLY what she wants, and she does. Like oranges. She is obsessed with oranges right now and asks for them all the time. She hasn't quite figured out a few words. She says "Mama, I full" when she is hungry and yesterday she said "Daddy play dums" (instead of drums). Of course it was Calvin playing drums, not daddy. Calvin is REALLY getting good at playing drums. He has been practicing a lot. I stub my toe on that damn trap set every day, but it is worth having it set up to hear Calvin play. Colton doesn't really have the interest to play. He has been rather obsessed with hugging and kissing people. It really is frustrating because he hasn't quite learned all the social cues that people give when they don't want to be hugged or kissed, but it is nice to see him love the people in his life so intensely. His best friend at school is not going to continue with the Chinese in first grade. I haven't talked much about it with the kids because I'm pretty sure that the friend's parents have not told their son yet. I thought it might be better to let the friend tell Colton and Calvin when he finds out, I wouldn't want my boys to spoil that one. I know that Colton and Calvin will be really sad about that. We had a meeting on Monday night for the Chinese immersion parents. Right now there are only enough students continuing next year to have one first grade section (there were two kindergarten sections this year). A few kids have moved, or have already quit the program. We plan on sticking it out at least until Junior high. Obviously we will reassess it every year. Both Colton and Calvin have been talking a lot in Chinese and reading a little in Chinese too. Their math is great, but as expected they are a little behind in English reading. No worries, we were told to expect that until about third grade. Two days ago Colton asked me a question in Chinese, Calvin interpreted for me: "He just asked if he could have rectangle (Club) crackers." It was so nonchalant that I had to laugh. I'm sure there will be lots of talking in Chinese to come. I hope that they have a community ed class this next year for Chinese. I think that I should learn a little more than I know right now. Just think, in less than three years it will be all three of the kids talking in Chinese. Carrera is already picking up some of it from her brothers so she may have a little head start. There were two other two year olds at the meeting, so she got to play with some of her future school mates. She was definitely Ms. Popularity. Definitely not my child. I have never been very popular myself.

Carrera just grabbed my arm and said "I want something eat. My tummy full." So that ends this.

Hiatus. (a.k.a. Lack of sleep and too much coffee)

My best friend is on hiatus. At least that is what her Facebook status says. I'm really not sure what it means. All I know is what I see (or don't see, which is her) and what I feel. I'm not going to tell you exactly what I feel on here, but it varies from understanding to hurt and back again. I will tell you that having a break from someone that I feel is so interconnected with who I am has been really nourishing. Unexpected, I KNOW! A break... just that word has so much meaning right now. BREAK. I have been in the process of breaking free from others expectations of me, breaking free from myself. There is something I need that I don't have: discipline. To be more specific, SELF discipline. Maybe this hiatus is a good thing. When I want to call her, I just don't. I'm giving her the space she needs or thinks she needs. So that means that I am getting a little space too. A little space that I didn't ask for, but is helping me find who I am now and what I want now. I want the self control to not eat all day long. I want the self control to walk away from Facebook and read to my kids (ouch). I want the self control not to lose my temper at 7:30 p.m. when my buttons have been pushed all day and all I want is a long massage and an orgasm, but my daughter is refusing to go to bed. (My cup o' coffee just ran dry. Drat!) I want to be able to walk away from a pile of dirty dishes, forget about making the bed, and just BE for awhile. I want to be quiet, be in the quiet, hear the quiet. I want to wander with no destination. Does that sound like a vacation (or a hiatus)? But this peace has to be possible here and now. I know that the answer comes in mindfulness, in the choices I make every second of every day. I may have been a little moody tonight, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same. My cup runneth over. I don't have to be spent at the end of the day, do I? I've always been fairly easily swayed by my emotions and by others emotions. This makes a perfect bed for drama to be planted and flourish, and indecisiveness. I hate drama! What I need is a planting of myself, a solidifying (ooh, that word again). Everything is a choice. Make a choice. Stick to the choice. What is my priority? Our priorities are what we spend our time doing. What do I spend my spare time doing? (I will not answer that for you all to ridicule me) I don't spend my time doing what I really want to do. Perhaps that is my question on this hiatus: Am I really living my priorities? (I should have titled this post 'Lack of sleep and too much coffee') I must go to bed.

Curriculum.

I am going to purchase a preschool curriculum in the fall.

I have been thinking about this for awhile. I have been filing away curriculum spam mail in a file for the last two years. In the last few months I have been putting together my own curriculum. I have lots of ideas in file folders, and it has been going well, but I suck at implementing things. The curriculum that I am interested in getting has all the crafts and activities prepackaged separately, easy instructions to follow for the month, and minimal prep time. This means that I wouldn't have to spend my time looking up new ideas, photocopying things, and making lists of items to buy for crafts. Another bonus would be that it is a perk for the families I care for.

Weekend list (as if you care) #2

I feel lost without a LONG 'to do' list. Although this weekend I am really ready to relax. My list only consists of:

• bring boys to swimming lessons (text babysitter for Carrera to make sure she is on her way)
• playdate with friends
• finish organizing boys room (from last weekend)

Wow, can I relax? I bet I'll find a few things to add to the list in the morning.

Top of the line.

Do I run a top of the line daycare?

I had an interview tonight with the parents of two preschoolers that are looking for immediate child care. I haven't been seeking to fill my last two preschool slots. Mostly because very few people are looking for care for preschoolers and it costs money to advertise. ...Ok, now for the real reason: I have been worried that if I added some new kids to our perfect mix it would cause chaos in our galaxy. The thing was, on a whim I called this woman back yesterday and ended up scheduling an interview for this evening. What surprised me was that I really liked them! The couple seemed very SOLID. The type of parents whose kids I would want to watch. They have two more interviews next week, but sounded very interested in my daycare and were very impressed by the interview (the dad said so before they walked out the door). I'm trying not to get myself too hyped up because they still have more interviews and I also didn't get a chance to meet the children tonight.

There was a point in time when I didn't want to have a full daycare and really thought that I couldn't stretch myself that far. I guess that I'm not so sure anymore. Currently I watch six kids during the day and eight when my boys get home from school. I'm not going to claim that it is easy, but we have our routines and, well, it has become easy. The hardest part of my job is listening to crying. The two youngest kids I watch are very clingy, seeking constant attention. I am very good at giving every child attention and affection. I could write a thesis on each of their individual personalities and I love to challenge them to stretch out and learn. We read books, dance to music, count everything from our toes to our carrots and peas to our owies (that one is my favorite). Learning is a game in this daycare. The kids have no clue that the games we play, books we read, interactions we have are all geared towards learning. I've read quite a bit on child development and parenting. I have philosophies that I stay fairly true to (more than I want to write about in this blog, but maybe later).

So all this got me thinking, am I a top of the line daycare provider? At daycare trainings I meet lots of other providers, many of which the contact is brief. But through observation I have learned a few things. Top of the line, excellent daycare providers have full daycares and waiting lists. They are easy to pick out from the way they talk and how they talk about the kids in their care. The majority of the providers I meet are NOT top of the line. They are providers that have a hard time keeping their slots full, have larger turnover, seem unkempt, boast about bending the rules. I actually had a provider boast to the whole class that she spanks the kids in her daycare. WHAT! Looking back, I should have reported her (hopefully the instructor did). And providers that admit to only serving foods that the kids will eat. Ok, that may not sound bad, but mac 'n cheese and hotdogs or chicken nuggets every day?! Mostly it is the energy and attitude that gives away the not top of the line providers. May I call them 'half ass' providers? These half ass providers slam the kids they watch and only talk negatively about them. Half ass providers say things like "It isn't my responsibility to teach the kids their alphabet, that is the parents job."

I guess my conclusion is that I am on my way to becoming a top of the line provider. I've only been in the business for two and a half years and haven't yet proved myself. I haven't had a full daycare. And although I could easily fill an infant or toddler spot with a click of a few buttons on Facebook, I don't have a waiting list. But I do have the attitude. My daycare kids and families are THE BEST, and we are a team.

Toy Room.

I never stop. Always working to organize, make my life easier. It does make it easier when Shane asks, "Hey what happened to those Iron Man posters I got a year or so ago?" and I pull them out of the file cabinet. Which reminds me, Shane did have a filing cabinet when we met, but there was a three foot pile of papers sitting on top of it. Back to my point. I stayed up late last night reorganizing the toy room, putting up new posters, filing some preschool and kindergarten stuff that I had printed off, stuff like that. My goal was to get it looking pristine and then taking pictures (perhaps to post on here), but it never got to what I wanted it to be. Partially because I recently moved all the board games, kindergarten materials, and some other stuff into the toy room. I've been trying to make the family room more 'adult' focused so some stuff has been floating into the toy room. But I am still very proud of our toy room. I built four shelves specifically to fit the bins that store our toys, and we have three Target bookshelves filled with all kinds of wonderful books. And then there is my kids filing cabinet (not to be confused with the one in the family room filled with instruction manuals and credit card statements). The kids filing cabinet is filled with preschool activities and workbooks, and catalogs of child care curriculums, and some of my own curriculum that I've been putting together for the fall. I will finally have some preschoolers again to do activities with. Of course, even preschoolers hate to sit at the table and do worksheets and activities, so I have all kinds of ideas for games and books on topics like farm animals, family, manners, and more. It sounds great in theory, but I know from experience, when there are babies around it is hard to follow a curriculum. Much easier just to put in a CD and dance to kids music, pull random books off the shelf to read, and hand out coloring books for some creative fun.

Back to the toy room and the work I did last night. Colton, Calvin and Carrera were VERY excited about the new posters this morning. And one of the little girls I watch was pretty enamored with them too, so all the work was worth the effort.

Farting Carrera

Tonight Carrera learned how to make herself fart. I, unfortunately, was not there to hear it. I guess Colton, Carrera and daddy were all hanging out on the couch and Rera farted. Then Colton and daddy laughed, so she made a face and did it again, and again, and again, and... I guess like mama like daughter. Shane is NOT the farter in our family. Gotta love my little Rera Roo!!

Forever 29.

I will be 29 in a little over a month. 29, that age we then stay at forever. I found that in my 20's I was, like most people in their 20's, searching, learning, growing, changing, challenging beliefs, developing my own sense of self, of values. And now, as I am approaching 30, I feel myself solidifying. My greatest fear, other than death, has always been to grow rigid, unable to bend my beliefs. I consider myself to be open minded and youthful, both traits that I value very highly. So solidifying should be hard to make peace with. But it isn't. I really feel okay about it. I feel like I am entering another natural stage of life. I do quite a bit of reading on the developmental stages that children go through. Not only do I find it interesting, but it pertains to my work with children. I am convinced that we continue to go through stages most likely until we die. Somehow that is reassuring. I feel that my challenge now is to find a balance between this solidifying which feels so right, and not becoming closed off to new ideas, thoughts, perspectives. I hope to always be able to change my mind; it may just be a little bit harder now.