The Years

It has been over four years since I posted on this blog. That time went incredibly fast. The kids grew, I got married, my dog died, we moved, I had another baby, we got two new dogs... The only things that have stayed the same is that I still do daycare, and being a mom is my favorite thing in the world. I also rarely have time for myself and writing is a luxury. I think often that I will start a new blog at some point and begin writing again.But the time keeps passing.   

When I fall apart

Wow, reading over my past posts I realize how much I've grown over the last two years, and how much I am still the same.

The kids are all doing great. They are kids. They have their ups and downs, their phases. The twins keep busy. Calvin is a competitive swimmer, plays cello, is in knowledge bowl and academic triathlon. Colton is in gymnastics and academic triathlon. Carrera is in Girl Scouts and basketball. My schedule allows me to get really great one-on-one time with them, in the car or at bed time. They all have been experiencing ups and downs with friends.

Their family has expanded over the last two years. David's family has contributed bonus aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. David is an amazing bonus dad. I couldn't have thought up a better person to take on the roles that David has. He doesn't push himself onto the kids, but he loves them, and they know it. 

Probably more important than what he does for them, they see how he supports me. I have this amazing strong man who doesn't give up on me. He puts me to bed when I am overwhelmed with life and my energy has dissipated. He is strong when I fall apart. He is learning that when I get down I need sleep or the gym or a better diet. He encourages me to take care of myself. He encourages me to be a wonderful mom. He is so incredibly selfless. Even what he is at a loss of how to support and love me, he admits he is at a loss. I hope that I can raise my sons to be as wonderful as he is.

Figuring it out.

I am lounging on my deck with a cold beer, a misplaced pink headband, peed on shorts, and a pile of swimsuits and towels. I should probably be picking up the day's worth of daycare chaos that remains inside my house, but I so rarely sit.

I graduated in May with my Bachelors in Community Psychology.
No more school (for awhile) and for awhile I felt a little lost. What do normal people do in the evenings? What am I supposed to do with all this extra time?

That didn't last long. Now I wonder: What extra time? Ok, really, I have very little of that extra time that I was looking forward to. Sitting down is a luxury that I have not been afforded.

With eight daycare kids plus three of my own and a second job to boot I just don't have extra to give out to things like... beer on the deck. I wonder sometimes if I am wasting my life away being busy.

David and I celebrated two years together yesterday. In our typical fashion we celebrated by going to the gym together. We are so boring from the outside. From the inside, we have a blast together. His steady simple self is the perfect complement to my chaotic spastic self. I may appear organized and put-together, but he knows me better than that. Life is so wonderful with him.

The kids are with their dad for the week. I miss them terribly. They may never know (I hope they never know) how painful it is to not have them with me every day.

Two years. It was two years in January since Shane walked out our front door, choosing something other than "us." Although, looking back, there wasn't often an "us." I found myself again and I found David and here I am... happy. Just feeling a little guilty for not getting some shit done while my kids are away.

With that said. I'll sign off.
 

Love & Life.

I crawled into bed at 5:30 yesterday evening. David rushed home from work to take Calvin to swimming and take care of everything so I could sleep off this cold. Another reminder of how much he adores me.

I had a rough week. Shane married Natalie. I cried for a whole day off and on. Not because I still want him or because I am not happy. I love David. My life has never been better. We spent the wedding day packing up every little thing left in David's house and hauling it into my garage. It was fun. We laugh over little things. Everything is fun with David. And he has so much compassion. I felt horrible for my tears and he just comforted me and accepted that it was a hard day. I'm not always rational and logical. Sometimes my emotional girl side bursts through the surface and I can't restrain all that I feel. And somehow David still loves me. Actually, sometimes I almost think that the mystery of my emotions make him love me even more. And his even emotions and logical reactions make him safe for me to love. I am so blessed.

Love.

For years I was told that there was something wrong with me because I didn't believe Shane loved me.

Shoveling is a great time to think. I spent the last 45 minutes shoveling and thinking about the past and how it contrasts to the now.

My boyfriend/lover/"soon to be" fiancé (I hope), David, dropped off a "Grande Coffee Frappucino with whip" a few minutes before I left for work last night. My favorite drink! Not because he expected to get laid (he gets that whenever he wants) and not to prove a point (that isn't his character), but simply because he loves me. Simply because. No prodding from me. No pressure to perform. Simply because (tears).

I was married for NINE years to someone who STILL doesn't know my favorite coffee drinks. Someone who had to be prodded to even pick up milk on his way home from work. Someone who as a last ditch effort, after staying with his girlfriend and then wanting me back, brought me PINK ugly flowers.

David knows my favorite flower. David makes it a priority to know everything about me. David loves me. And I KNOW it. There is nothing wrong with me. I can feel love. I know love when I see it.

I am so blessed.

Moving On.

It has been a long time since I posted. Life is keeping me over my head busy. In addition to my 6 to 6 Monday through Friday schedule, I also work 25 hours on the weekends the kids are with their dad. I am lucky my weekend job is fun and I get to sleep for seven hours of my shift.

I started school again at the University in January. Only two classes (6 credits/half time). One online, and one Thursday nights. I looked over my plan last week. If I take 6 credits this summer I can graduate August 2013. If I take nine, I can graduate May 2013. I feel that the end is in sight! Will I start grad school right away? I am not sure. That depends on life circumstances.

My schedule is fairly packed. Sundays I work or have my kids with me. Mondays I work, then I take one of my three kids out on a one-on-one. Tuesdays I work, and the kids each have an hour of tutoring in English in the evening. Wednesdays I work and have an evening without kids to spend with David and catch up on shopping, homework, socializing. Thursdays I work then go straight to class. Fridays I work then go straight to my second job or chill with my kids and often our friends. Lastly, Saturdays I either work or spend time with my kids and catch up around the house.

Single motherhood. Home owner. Student. Many roles that keep me on my toes.

David and I celebrated (well, we didn't actually find the time to celebrate) six months together in January. Six wonderful months! We have been talking about future, marriage and babies. And I cannot imagine not having him with me on my journey. I am completely in love. David is so patient, loving, sincere, stable, fun, funny, intelligent. He doesn't expect me to be anything other than me. I feel safe and loved with him. Feelings that I have never felt to this extreme in any other relationship. I can cry with him, say the wrong things (I am good at that), make a fool of myself. I love him so entirely.

So, I am moving on. I am building my life the way I've craved it to be. Getting out, being social, loving and being loved, staying busy busy busy and dancing through life. So, sorry I haven't written. I guess it just isn't that important right now.

Autumn Update

I am not sure how long it has been since I last posted life updates. Carrera had her 5th birthday in August, and Colton and Calvin had their 9th birthday in early September. School started for the kids at the beginning of September. Carrera started Kindergarten. It has been really hard for her to adjust, but she is slowly becoming more used to being away from home and mama.

I took a second job on the weekends that my kids are with their dad. I also extended my daycare hours and days. Basically I am working seven days a week. Part of me wonders how long I will be able to maintain the busy-ness. But I also like the financial security that it offers, and I am happier when I know that I can financially hold my own.

I am dating an amazing guy, David. He is a refreshing change from any relationship I have experienced. He is real and easy to be with. There is no drama, and I am so comfortable just "being" with him. I have high hopes, but am enjoying the cautious slow love. Tonight my parents get to meet him.

I love just "being." My water heater broke, I had to rip out some flooring that was damaged from the water, my house is not as organized as I would like. I have been trying to figure out how I will ever be able to finish my degree..., but really, in the moment, all is well. I am alive and happy.

Journeying Forward

It has been a month since I've written anything to post on here. Life happens. I haven't had any revelations or inspiration. Life has been kinda like the pounding of a runner's feet on pavement, one foot in front of the other, just moving. Not even necessarily straining for anything.

I don't like calling myself a single mother. When I think "single mom" I don't think "divorced chick" with her kids half time. I am, I guess, half-time single and half-time mother. Although, I am fully single and always a mother.

Life has its challenges right now. The kids are all three going through hard phases. I think it is because they are dealing with Shane and I living in separate homes. The excitement has worn off and life is different for them this year. School is starting school and Carrera will be in kindergarten. I think she is excited, but that entails another change for her. Lots of changes for them.

Shane asked me yesterday if I am happy. I have to say, that despite the challenges I am facing, I am sincerely happy. I have all that I need, my three kids and health. I refuse to let life steel my joy.

Sharings.

Love. Sharings. I may have written this before.
The kind of love I want is hundreds of thousands of sharings. I want to be with someone who will share with me and care enough to hear what I share with them the hundreds of thousands of sharings that come with a life.
That is my requirement. I like outgoing men. I like shy men. I like cute, sexy men. I like plain men. I just want someone who can do this one skill: listen AND share, give AND take.

Wednesday Night.

I really wanted to go sing karaoke tonight. I mean REALLY wanted to. I find myself at home, singing to Pandora. And it doesn't quite hit the spot, but I do love the freedom that I have in my empty house. Just me and my demons... and Millie, the cocker spaniel... who is losing her hearing.

I want love. I am singing Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You." I know that Hollywood love isn't real. I have felt sparks from a kiss, but it wasn't from someone that is a good fit for me.

Now its Sugarland "Sex on Fire (Live)." Music stirs everything in me. Music, people, realness.

I went to a church get-together tonight and met some good people. Some I didn't connect with, although I was friendly. Others I connected with well. It felt exhilarating to be with people. I LOVE people. That is my passion. Connection! Connecting with every human that I encounter on my journey on this Earth.

I can't wait until my home is really an open door where people feel they can come in and grab food out of the fridge, and dirty a glass for water. I want to fill my house with people coming and going and communing with one another. I crave it. I crave music and people.

This aloneness... I can appreciate it. I really can. But not forever. Love is more than just an exclusive one person thing. It is community.

Journey "Don't Stop Believin'"...music is love. At the end of the day I have such a hard time turning it off to sleep.

Darius Rucker "Come Back Song"...uh! I LLLLUUUUUVVVV his voice! Its yummy.

I don't need romance. I need music. And community. Now... I'm off to dance. Goodnight Wednesday...

Present.

I wonder often if other people like their lives, their jobs, their kids, their homes. I love my life, my job, my kids and my home. I love my family, my friends, my church, my lifestyle, my patio table that I am sitting at, the two year old asleep on my lap, the sound of all the kids playing, the shade from the umbrella, the breeze, my mug of coffee.
Present moment. I love living in this moment, unattached to future, setting free the past. I choose to not let the past keep me tied up. I choose to let the future be elusive in my mind. ...ok, that part is harder. Honestly, it is hard to be unattached to future. It is hard to say to myself that I can BE HERE NOW, and not think too much about what I will be doing a year or two from now. But I really can't know where I will be a year or two from now. What a great time in life to learn about being present in the moment. This is all I am certain of, all I have is NOW.

Divorce Life.

I have found it to be crazy how many people I am meeting that have gone through a divorce or who are currently going through a divorce. It is also quite shocking to me how freely people are dishing out advise. Many people think that I am not coping because I am not grieving. People expect me to be unstable and emotional. I may be a little unstable and once in awhile I am emotional, but not because of the divorce per se.
One piece of advise was to "use your library card" and get some books on divorce. I took it to heart and checked out ten books. Three on helping kids and seven on coping. After skimming some of them, I realised most of it did not apply to me right now. I already am doing all the things that they suggest. I am building new friendships. I made some changes in my life and home that are healthy. I have already forgiven Shane, and I am working hard at creating a great co-parenting relationship with him and his girlfriend. I am not dating, and I am not sure when I will want to or be ready to.
I am reading When the Vow Breaks: a survival and recovery guide for Christians facing divorce by Joseph Warren Kniskern. Some of it I have to skim because it doesn't apply to where I am at. BUT the author writes about how in divorce there is the initiator and the non-initiator unless it is mutual. Well, I have always claimed that my divorce was mutual. We had talked about it many times over the months before the decision and on January 11th we decided together that divorce was the best choice considering what we had been learning in counseling and what changes or compromises each of us were and were not willing to make. After this decision I began to work on figuring out the legalities of an uncontested divorce. A few days after the decision, Shane decided he DIDN'T want the divorce. So, from that point on, I became the initiator and he became the non-initiator. It was easy to identify the stages of grief he went through. It was painful to watch and at some points I had to be strong for him. I am glad that his family gathered around and supported him throughout the process. Me, on the other hand, I haven't had that experience as dramatically. I have felt lonely, and I have felt desperate for stability at a few points, but not the actual grieving stages. Leading to my point, Warren writes in his book that the initiator often goes through the grieving stages BEFORE seeking the divorce, while the non-initiator goes through the process later. A light went on in my head. I spent months before the decision to divorce crying, denying that this was really happening to my marriage, angry at Shane for putting me through this shit, feeling guilty that I brought it on myself and wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband love me, trying to compromise myself to be what he said he wanted, and finally accepting that Shane wasn't going to choose me.
So, I am going to quit trying to force grief, and I am moving on to better things. I have a future. Even if some days I can't see which way that future is. Today I am working on living in the present.

I have more to share. If feels good to write. I hope to start writing more again and sharing the crazy life experiences I have been having.

New beginning (a.k.a. Life 2.0)

So many people have told me in the last five months that divorce is hard, that I need to grieve and cry, that healing takes time. I really thought they all just didn't get it. My marriage SUCKED (at least a large chunk of it did-maybe not all of it), and I was happy to be free of the negative and controlling environment. The first few days without him there I felt so free. It was great. Well, I was wrong. My circumstances are not making it easier now that the divorcing part is over. I do miss companionship. I do miss being a wife. It think I really got a lot of my identity from being a wife and mother. As a matter of fact, all I ever wanted to be growing up (besides an artist, teacher, or stripper) was a mother and wife. I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted between six and twelve kids. I wanted to live in the country, stay home, have a garden, be a PTA member and Sunday school teacher. Anyone that knows me now might guffaw at that. The artist and stripper might fit me better. But, no, I don't think so. I love being a mother. I love pouring out myself into making a safe space for not only my kids, but other kids, neighbor kids, friends and their kids and really anyone to come to. I value that. I value having an open and safe space for people to come to and be real.

I have been considering my gifts. I enjoy writing and sometimes I think I may have some talent there. I connect well with just about anyone. People confess things to me that they have never told anyone before. I have a large handful of people that call me their best friend. And two handfuls of friends that would call me one of their closest friends. I do hear all the time that my home is a great safe and comfortable space. So, I would say that creating a home and welcoming environment is my gift. I am very talented at cleaning and organizing. AND I enjoy that. I am GREAT with kids. I can be very consistent and I have a firmness that kids respect and appreciate, yet a softness that makes it easy to climb into my arms and rest. I have never met a kid that doesn't adore me after a few hours. I really hope that all of my daycare kids feel free to come and find rest at my home for years after they leave my care. I am very patient, I rarely over-react, and I love teenagers just about as much as I love preschoolers. I like the learning stages of the 3-5 year old and the emergence of adulthood in the early teen years. I like to be a part of that growth.

So, what does the future hold for me? My intentions are to someday marry again. But right now all I can be is a mother (and that is a wonderful huge responsibility!). I am planning to finish my degree and Masters in Social Work or Marriage & Family Therapy. I would love to work with teens. I recently started going to church again, and I want to get involved and find friends and community to take the place of that missing companionship piece. I will keep doing daycare for as long as it serves my needs. I have no problem doing it for 5-10 more years, but as my kids enter the teen years I am sure I will want to find something else to do. So I hope by that time I will be able to move on to a career with teens and counseling. And if God puts a companion in that mix someday, I will embrace that. If not, I know that I can be satisfied with being a mother and a friend.

As to the grieving. I am. I have been slightly depressed the last week. Screaming out to God. And crying. I have been embracing my emotional side and working through life's disappointments. So, I am welcoming this part of my journey, Life 2.0, yet still letting go of the past.

Partner (List no.2)

I want a partner that....
- is spiritual.
- can commit.
- communicates well.
- can confront issues.
- is good with money (frugal).
- appreciates me and all the energy and hard work I put into life and relationships.
- smells good (absolute MUST).
- encourages me to use my gifts.
- SEES me and who I am.

Final.

I woke up thinking, this is going to be an "inside" day, but it turned out pretty nice. I noticed my neighbors' lawn is mowed, so I will have to get mine done tomorrow. And at some point I need someone to show me how to work my weedwacker.

Shane and I signed papers on Wednesday. Within ten days I should get notice that our divorce is official. And I really have nothing more to say about that.

Depths.

So much on my mind.

I am laying here in an empty house, feeling not so tough. I have worked and worked for this life I have. I have labored to make a home that is safe, full of love, beautiful, put together. And here I am alone. What is a home without family?

There is so much to think about. Am I enough? Can I make it through this? I have only felt weak a handful of times since Shane left. And tonight I feel weak. I do want someone to lean on. I want to feel there is someone I can trust to help me right now. And yet, I want to prove that I was and still am that confident put together woman.

Where do I go when I am weak? I curl up inside and shut the doors. I don't want to do that anymore. Where is there a place I can lose it?

I want to scream at God.

Moving forward.

Today I am meeting with my therapist... for the last time. We are closing the file.

It seems crazy really. Three years of therapy added up to walking away from my marriage, only to find that all those remaining anxieties and fears and failures and feelings of inadequacy just melted off. I am happy. I feel fulfilled. I feel true to myself. I feel amazing really. Today is the day.

My best friend came over last night after we had coffee at our secret hideout. I laugh. After nine years of being unhappy and unfulfilled, I am learning again to laugh. The universe is filling my life with people that help me laugh. Everywhere I look I see joy. I can appreciate the little things. And I love life.

Three years of therapy, and the answer is to walk away. The answer was to admit failure. Perhaps it takes two to fail in a marriage. But I am becoming okay with the idea that I may have failed. I did my best. I pulled on every resource I could. I read books, talked with friends, met with a therapist weekly. And now, I am letting nine years pass behind me, stepping off the beaten trail, and making a new path.

I am not perfect. I see my flaws. I see challenges as I move forward. I still have work to do. I need to let go of unhealthy expectations of others, life, and most importantly, of myself. I am ready for those new challenges. I am excited for moving forward.

Update.

Still not divorced... learning to wait.

Unwanted.

I will be 31 in less than a month, and I realize that I have spent my whole life feeling unwanted. 31 years of feeling unwanted. And I wonder what needs to change. I recently started a relationship with, seriously, one of the most amazing men I have ever met, if not THE most amazing. And almost everyone in my life is ecstatic; happy for me. He is nothing like I have ever experienced in a partner. And I am trying at the same time as embarking on this new experience, to shed as many preconceived notions, or as he and I like to call it, the "carry over," as possible. One major carry over I have is worrying that I am not loved, not appreciated, not seen, and more that all of those, not wanted.

I have learned in my early childhood classes about how the brain develops. The connections that are formed in early childhood and that are used the most become strong, while the rest become weeded off over time. My brain constantly is trying to protect my heart and questions whether I am wanted or valued. Is that connect too ingrained in my head? Will I ever stop doubting that I am loved, appreciated, seen and wanted?

I am trying so hard to see the dynamics of this relationship from a different perspective than I have in the past. From the perspective of a child without preconceived ideas of what it means to be valued and appreciated.

It is not that I am insecure. In fact I really have healthy self-esteem and I am confident in my ability to be a fantastic life partner. I am beautiful, healthy, sexy, smart, funny and fun. But do others see that? Am I seen? Do others value that? Am I valued? Do other appreciate that? Am I appreciated? I am not the only person on this planet. And I value relationship (friendship and romantic). I like me, but is there another person out there that wants me?

One-Minute Writer

Today's Writing Prompt: Change
Write about one way you haven't changed since you were 13 years old.

I am 30 now, soon to be 31, and I still believe that people are basically good despite my experience of evidence to the contrary. I think that people make choices based on their life experience, upbringing and culture. And they must really believe that the decisions they make are the best decisions for themselves based on their values.
I still value community and individuals and freedom. I still value love and kindness. I still like to dance, all day, every day.

Another Wednesday.

I guess we can't exist without emotion. I am not by nature, or at least at my age now, very emotional. I feel like I do feel passion and disgust. I guess maybe a better way to explain it is that I don't SHOW emotion. I feel so many things right now. I don't know what to do with the emotion bombarding me.

Partner (List no.1)

I want a partner that... will willingly pick up cream on the way home from work for me without griping; will plan and cook meals with me; enjoys sex as much as I do; apologizes; seeks new adventure for us; motivates me; accepts the fact that I shower twice a week, wear my clothes more than once, like to stay up late; is as laid back as I am; basically doesn't sweat the small stuff; is spontaneous.

Transition.

I have been feeling drained. Emotionally and physically. I am to blame for the physical drain. I have been staying up too late and napping at odd times. I may be partly to blame as well for emotional drain. I have been not eating well and not working out as much as I need to. I also have one challenging kid in daycare right now. That makes a huge difference in my ability to get to the end of the day without being totally petered out. I know I need to offer myself more grace. I am embarking on a new journey. I am in a state of transition. I am learning how to balance a new set of responsibilities (um, doing the laundry, and trying to pack up more of Shane's stuff). And I am enjoying my new found ability to relax. I have been unmotivated to get things done around the house. This might be a good sign. Cleaning and organizing are my coping mechanisms. I have nothing really upsetting me right now, so nothing is getting done. I need something to motivate me.

Hope.

I am starting to wake up and feel inspired to write again. I am sitting here, surrounded by the days mess. Toys scattered across the floor; markers haphazardly thrown on the table; flour, sugar and egg smeared on the counter. Signs of life. We live here. Tonight was gym night with my bestest friend. After the kids and I got home I mixed up a batch of cookies with Calvin. I think I gained five pounds off of cookie dough. I love the little things. I love mixing up cookies with Calvin. I love hearing Colton's stories that only he understands completely. I love watching Carrera dancing through the kitchen (right before she wipes out. So funny, but not allowed to laugh). I miss "family" some days. I miss that my kids aren't going to have mom and dad in the same house anymore. But we are still a family. We still love each other. We still have each others backs. We are going to bake up some of the cookies tomorrow for the kids to bring for dad. Dad loves Mama's cookies. Our lives are changing, but we are still on this planet together. And I have hope.

Silence.

After weeks of silence. I am feeling. I started crying yesterday, and it is so hard to stop. I have so many questions. Questions for God, or the divine. Why? Why? Why? Why am going through this? Why nine years? A nine year lesson. Will I ever be enough? Enough for another person to love? I want someone to take a risk to be with me. Someone to give up, whatever it is that holds them back. I want someone that will give up other women. I want someone that will give up their ego or their insecurities. I want someone to choose me. I want to be loved. I will settle for nothing less.

Alone time.

I haven't been getting enough alone time.

I have been filling my time with people.

I spent the last nine years feeling unable to freely spend time with people.

So, I guess this is okay. It is okay that I have filled up my time for a few weeks... or month. I think that now I am ready for some down time. My house needs some TLC. Work is piling up. Taxes are screaming my name. And I am shocked that I haven't even take one bath since Shane moved out. I LOVE baths! I must create a new routine.

Living Outloud!

I have been refraining from writing partly out of respect for Shane. We have been officially separated for over a month. And honestly, it has been a wonderful month. Only one hard day. The rest of the time I have been enjoying my freedom by spending time alone and with friends, soaking in life. I have laughed more in the last month than I have in years. I have been surrounding myself with encouraging people. People that build me up and accept me for who I really am. It is so refreshing to live life outloud. I have been dancing through the last month. Living my truth.

I have had to drop two of my three classes this semester. It is just hard to balance moving forward with divorce, while being a mother and trying to take care of all the little things that come along with running a house.

I am looking forward to this summer. A good friend is going to teach me how to play softball. I have at least four friends interesting in motorcycling with me. Some friends have invited me and the kids to go to the black hills with their family. I want to take the kids camping. I am excited to set up the ring pool and spend fun time with the kids. I am excited to bike all over town with them.

I am working on doing some decorating in my home. I picked out paint colors and I am looking for some artwork. I feel like I have a fresh start. It is very nice to be able to make a safe space in my home for people to come and be free to express themselves.

Superbowl.

BEST WEEKEND EVER! Friday night I got the house cleaned and spent some time with my mom (Shane had the kids). Saturday Shane moved and the kids spent the day with some friends of ours. After helping Shane, I got a few things done around the house and made a Goodwill trip. I purchased a puppet stage. Its needs to be cleaned, but it was totally a score! That evening the kids and I spend some time with our friends P. & N., and we ended up crashing at their home. It was so nourishing to be away from home and in a safe space. I am working at creating friendships with people who are just real.

Sunday I attended a Spiritual Center with my best friend and drove down to the cities to spend time with friends. It is so nice to have the freedom to do what I want, go where I want, and to spend time with who I want.

M. Day.

Moving day.

Shane moved into his new apartment today. I think he picked a great apartment. It has lots of room for the four of them, it is closer to work and the kids' school than his hometown, which is where he was thinking about moving. There is a playground and a pool. It is far enough away from me that we don't have to worry about running into each other.

It feels nice to have the move over. I was worried about it. Mostly about how he would act around me. There has been a lot of tension when we see each other, and that makes it hard to know how to respond to him.

Well, on to the next step in our journeys.

Big Sap.

I have been being a big sap and listening to Keith Urban's Making Memories of Us (posted a few days ago on the blog) over and over. Ever since I first heard the song on the radio years ago I've thought: that is what I want!! There are other songs that have done that to me over the years as well. I worry that it is an unrealistic expectation of life. I have the capacity to love someone like that. But is there anyone out there the has the capacity to love me?

Lists.

Lists.

I have been making lots of lists.

The major one is my boundaries right now. I haven't been good with setting boundaries... ever. I feel that I have been stumbling and tripping ever since Shane and I decided to split. I want to make friendships, but don't know quite how to not give too much of myself. It is embarrassing! I make a stupid choice or two and want to crawl in my closet and die. I have been to eager to get out and live a little. I am learning to accept all things about myself, but I am unwilling to stay in a rut, if you will. So I have some major "rules" for myself. A huge one is that I am trying to listen to the "little voice." I am rather intuitive, but often I question my intuitions and that voice that says: "don't do that" or "take a step back" and especially the one that says "you are okay even without affirmation" or "you have all you need." Abundance. I wrote that an the end of my last blog as a reminder to myself of what a friend said to me on Tuesday. And I forgot to delete it. I have an abundance; an abundance of time... an abundance of finances (I have enough)... and abundance of support. The universe is providing those things, but what I need is an abundance of positive. I find myself slinking into the negatives of life, of being alone. At first it was intoxicating, then challenging, now it just is. I am learning to be alone.

Back to lists. I have one of things I want to learn and do, like cross country skiing, ballet, voice lessons, and travelling. I have a list of the negotiable and non-negotiable in a future mate. I have one of all the projects I want to do in the house this next spring. It is exciting!

Now I need to get back to work. Snack is over.

Nourishment.

This evening was such a nourishing evening, all about me. I met my bestie V. to walk at the gym for 40 minutes, followed by an appointment with my therapist, followed by a massage with my friend Deb. I feel so grounded right now. I know what some of the choices I need to make are. I know what I need to work on. I talked a little about it with my niece when I got home. I need to work on the big four, and I've already started it. My big four are: physical, emotional, spiritual and relational. As far as that physical goes, I've got my gym membership, motivation, and a fridge full of healthy food. I do need to work on getting a better sleep schedule though. In the emotional, I have tons of work to do. I need to learn how to feel again. I am reading a book about the language of emotions. Spiritual, well I signed up for this program, I found a spiritual center to attend weekly, and I am reading about chakras. But what I really need to do is start meditating and praying again. Lastly, relationally, I have been meeting new people and building relationships. I just need to get my boundaries straightened out. So, here I am. I see what I need to do, and I'm heading in that direction!
Abundance

Define.

I def have some boundary defining to do. Too bad I have the kids all the time and can't even keep up on homework. Maybe this weekend I can work on that.... maybe.
(Something smells like vanilla in here. Mmmmm... yum.)

Dilemma.

So, I put out this commitment to myself that I wouldn't date until I completed the spiritual class I signed up for. I thought it was a year class, but it lasts until October 2012! So now, what do I do? Can I keep that commitment? Can I go like almost two years without sex!? (And I am ONLY doing the sex thing within a relationship, so no cheating on that. My heart gets too involved, even if I try not to let it.).

Just Another Manic Monday...

My bff has got me addicted to wraps... the food kind. Mmmmm... yummy! My daughter is presently squealing at how cute the little baby grapes are! Nothing is ever boring around here. Tonight was the first night that life felt semi-normal again. My mom watched the last 15 minutes of daycare so I could get Carrera to dance (she has had to miss the last three weeks!). While we were at dance, my mom brought my boys to see their grandpa (my dad) at the nursing home. I am a horrible daughter-I have yet to visit him myself. We met back at home and one of my fabulous neighbors had cleared my driveway of snow. So I made the kids a quick dinner, threw in a movie and sped to a local gym and signed up. CHECK. One major thing off my list of modifications I am ready to make in my life. Major bonus, they have yoga two nights a week. I am SO there! Then I ran and picked up groceries. It was so fun to buy foods for myself. And that brings me to now, my wrap and iced green tea. I feel so good! My fridge is full of healthy food, my heart is full of love and my head is clear. Mmmmmm.... I just want to sit and enjoy this moment.

"Mom! Mom!" Ok, that didn't last long. Oh well, I love being a mom more than anything in this universe!

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Aloneness and Faith.

Ok, so this morning at the spiritual center the pastor chick talked about faith, expectations and manifestation. What we expect is most likely to come to life. I know all this. I mean I really do. I get it. I've heard it before. I keep telling myself I just need some time to be negative. But I think that time is over... for now. I will be happy... I AM HAPPY! I hope to find another mate. I hope to make some great friends that I can spend time with on the weekends. But right now I can accept that the universe (or universal spirit) is pushing me towards aloneness. I will spend this time searching and growing and dancing. And then when the time is right I hope to find someone who wants to share in my dance. Even if that person is just a close friend.

Aloneness is a good challenge. I am working on developing boundaries and goals and routines. I am learning how to look out for myself. I've always expected that someone else would look out for me or have my best interests in mind... what was I thinking! That is so not true. So I am creating that security and safety for myself.

I also want community. I want to have connections and make connections. I feel like I can do that and that I am doing that. Random people are kinda coming together in my life to create this community that I can feel free to be myself within. People are happy for me and excited to see what will happen as this process unfolds. And I am happy to see their lives unfolding as well. How incredibly amazing life is!

I am. And that's it. I am not more than that, and I can't really be less than that either. I worry that I am TOO much. It will take a really strong and large person to be able to handle me as a mate. I like to take up space. I like to be loud.... and it isn't just that I like to be loud. I just AM fucking loud. I remember being called gypsy girl in elementary school because I was eccentric and artistic. I've always wanted to be a fairy. To be covered in glitter and color and fly and dance in the air. And that is what is going to unfold during this time of metamorphosis in my life. It is exciting. And I am going to take on an attitude of acceptance. I accept what I am going through right now. It is an important part in my life journey.

Another hump.

Brought Carrera into B&N for the first time since all this went down. She refused to go anywhere else with mama for coffee. AWKWARD! I feel that Shane must'ave painted a pretty negative picture of me because I got a few cold looks and lot less friendliness. I hope it doesn't last this way forever. I love Barnes.

Fucking Cry.

I got stood up again tonight. My bff, V, said, "Maybe the universe is telling you that you need to go home and be alone." So true, ...and so hard. Being alone. I am realising that, well, A) it is going to be awhile before I have another good fuck-which is crazy hard for me to come to grips with, but, B) I can't just surround myself with people and still work on finding me. So, I came home. And cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. Way to go Rachel! Lets do this! Lets cry!

One of my faults, or I guess a better way to say it is, one of the things I've given up of myself is my ability to express emotion. I was that typical overly eccentric and emotional child. My dad liked to call me "free spirit" and if I had been left to grow in a healthy environment I would have been so artistic and expressive. But that was stifled. I learned very early on to Stuff. Those. Emotions. Down. and to do it quickly and deeply. So, here I am at age 30 trying to Dig. Down. Deep. and find that... child. Just so I can fucking cry.

Friday Night.

I'll be honest. I was really hoping to go out tonight. Not that I couldn't just go out by myself.... but I won't. Tonight I did go to book club from 7-10 p.m. and that was fabulous. It was fun to listen to everybody's crazy stories and connect with women that are in a similar place in life to where I am. People can be so encouraging and so crazy fun. I feel like I've missed out on so many years of connecting with people and now I want to spend every free second doing just that. So here I am, all dressed up and no where to go.

The Moment.

Life is intoxicating right now. I feel high! I have been dancing and allowing myself to feel the air on my arms. I have been laying on the floor and being with my space. I am slowing down and really enjoying the moment.

New Beginnings.

Shane and I are getting divorced

It isn't the fault of either of us (or at least I'm choosing not to place blame). We fought out this part of our journey together for nine years. Being complete opposites with very different life goals, the challenges began to outweigh the benefits for both of us. I think he may be having a harder time with it than I am. Although I hide it all very well. Perhaps too well.

I cried for the first time last night. In front of my kids. Calvin told me something that I always tell him, "Mom, its okay to cry... It lets out the negative emotions." That made me laugh and then cry harder. I miss having someone here to talk to and tell about my day and what I am learning. I also miss being held.

I am excited to see what the future brings to me. Well, the "present" actually. I am focusing on being present with this whole experience. I am seeking the universe and myself, the self that I lost somewhere along the way.

I've started touching things, like tables and walls and fabric. I am really beginning to feel my surroundings. Perhaps the next step will be learning to feel my actual feelings.